Everyday i wake up with my skeletal body making an attempt to finish my day. I'm a college freshman & i hate my life. My entire life, I've been a loner. Once 6th grade started, I became extremely shy and only at the end of high school, did i finally achieve something sort of making an attempt to be social. I have no self-confidence & I'm a guy. It doesn't help that I'm gay, though I consider myself to be homoromantic.
Every passing day feels like a compressed pressure I constantly keep bottled up inside of me. I'm mixed/asain/pacific island, 18, 5'10'' and 140 lbs. Everyday, i feel like I'm slowly fading into the darkness. I'm slowly losing my grip on reality and it scares me to death. I've never been in a relationship, let alone even kissed someone. I have no friends & the 3 i had, they all arn't here for me anymore.
My best friend I ever made in high school has similar issues with me. In the 11thgrade, we were best of friends. But somewhere in my depression, I hit her twice. Her nose bled & i got suspended for a week.We still went to prom after and since then, we've never been as great as friends though we still are. She found a boyfriend and I slowly became friends with her them. We all did drugs together and alcohol.
My other friend, he moved to another island. He's my closest male friend. It sickens me to my stomach that i ditched him last minute for the college he's at now because i got nervous.
My other female friend, she moved to Seattle. All three of my closest friends are never around me. In college, I only go to classes and find myself in solitude most of the day. I don't know what to do and am not sure how much longer i can handle this. I don't have the motivation much longer to continue. Fucking loathe my life & just want to become a shadow already. What's the purpose of me even trying anymore.