LIFE SUCKS

My story with hope!

I have never come across any sites like this before where I can just write honestly about me and read plights of lonliness and anguish of others so thanks for this oppportunity whoever created it.

Truthfully I am lonely too. It's xmas day and i am wondering what to do with my life. Mid life crisis springs to mind. I am employed as a manager and live in a 1 bd flat alone. I'm a 35 yr old single gay guy that carries on regardless of what life throws at me.

I hope to share a summary of my life/childhood (to whomever reads it) with the hope to urge and inspire other fellow lonlely lost souls to not give up. (I suppose it is also my way of reaffirming this hope to myself and getting it all out of my system!)

Like many of us, I had a crappy childhood, mainly messed up by 13 yrs of sexual abuse by an uncle which I took to court when I was 15(The abuse is NOT the reason I'm gay by the way.... I believe it's because of genetics and nothing else) and parents that gave me a rough start in life with beatings from my mother (Who was raped and convinced the scum is my father so she constantly called me ugly) and my father gave me a very hard time for the trauma I presented to his wife who later became diagnosed with schizophrenia. This family dragged my brothers and I up on a grotty council estate where we were always picked on. I had a lot of fights growing up which was to protect myself. I loathe violence and do my best to prevent it though we can't refrain or predict the actions of others.
The point in sharing this past is to shed some light on my present life style.

I have a relatively good body despite copious attempts of suicide many moons ago (I have literally come back from the brink of death twice at hospital and very lucky to be alive apparently) and I spent most of my twenties trying to survive being homless, doing drugs and drinking excessive amounts of alcohol. I have spent years trying to better myself, my mind and my life. I no longer do drugs at all but still smoke which is the next vice to give up when I can. However I still battle with the problems and the anger/madness derived from drinking alcohol at times (On a lighter note... I have a couple of good friends that I have some good nights and times with when drunk so I am not a complete monster!)
As I can be quite social and it seems others say I'm good looking, I get attention from men and have been a complete whore at times and admittedly sold my body when I am completely out of sorts and struggling with cash. No suprising then, it has left me feeling cold, indifferent and even worse about myself but I have learnt to live with it and moved on from all that now.

Despite years of therapy, councelling and self help/improvments, inside I
still full of pain, insecurity and still feel I am ugly. This deep rooted lack of self esteem and confidence has caused me so many issues in life and with relationships. I have had a couple of long term partners and even had a civil partnership which turned into a total disaster and left me in debt. I have also had some dysfunctional 'unhealthy' r'ships that turned really sour and violent. Now I am not looking to get involved with anyone unless someone extra special comes along, which is doubtful since I am still too fucked up and left jaded.

The moral to this story is I am still fighting to survive and striving to co-exist in a world where people are unsympathetic, cruel, judgemental and don't understand what it means to someone like me... to just want to be liked, even loved and let be. I try damned hard to be a good person but just don't know what direction to take my life in now. I am lonely but I am not giving up.

If you have read all this, thank you and I hope it didn't come across as a narcsasistic, self pitiful pile of crap.

I wish you all a good xmas day.