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I've lost all hope, I wish i was dead.

Posted by anonymous at December 26, 2010
Tags: Death  2010 December  Tragic Events

About 2 years ago, I had a normal (average) life. I had a good job, lots of friends, big happy family, etc. And althought I was stressed out a lot, I was happy expecting my first child. The pregnancy was going normal (or so the doctors thought), but the week i reached six months my baby died inside the womb. The moment my life was over, all the dreams and plans i had for me and my baby boy died too. Giving birth to a baby that i could never hear crying, or smiling is the most painful experience and i don't wish that on the worse person. I'm someone who always beleive in God, and always been there for anyone who needed my help and i give anything to make others happy. How could this happen to me? As if losing my son wasn't enough, his father tried to commit suicide, i never saw him after that day in the hospital. He called once to apologize for not being 'stonng' enough. I had to plan our baby's funeral alone, I've been dealing with all the emotions of grief imaginable. Now 18 months later it isn't any better. Each day i feel worse than the day before, sometimes i'm hopeful but that feeling doesn't last long. Most days i think about ending my life, but i know i won't because it would cause my mother too much pain. Before this i was very social, i was the one everyone called for help, advice, or just about anything, but i've been so distant from eveyone including close friends and especially my family. I no longer attend any gathering, to make me feel worse, it seems eveyday someone i know is having a "baby". I want to be happy for them, but it's too hard for me (only somone in my place can understand this feeling, so please don't judge unless you've been where i'm). I try to think that my baby is in "heave" is with "God", but how can i believe that? How can i beleive in a God, a God that allows so much suffering. Everyone knows i was the person that would make the best mother they ever known, after all i'm all the kids favorite "auntie", "cousin". I had such a great life planned for my baby, sometimes i wonder if every expecting mother has just as much plan. This is already too much to share and there's more but i'll probably have to write a book to detail everything that's happened to me, like my baby's father totally abandoning me during the time i needed him most, his family pretended to care, but they all eventually stop talking to me, and today they are welcoming his new baby, which he had with the women that try to make my pregnancy stressfull.
I once used to believe that life was full of ups and downs, but i never imagined my life to go in the direction that it went and continues to go. If there is indded a Hell, i'm definetely living it now. I'm a fighter, i never thought of giving up, always been thrugh a lot hardship ever since my childhood, but this is a battle i don't think i can continue to fight becasue i might end up giving up. What's the reason for all this suffering? and when will it end?


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Comments:
By anonymous at 15,Jan,11 05:21

my life same like you, I am more suffer along time , but I still live alone for hopefully
By anonymous at 12,Aug,11 09:21

wow english is clearly not your first language
By anonymous at 26,Aug,11 22:51

You are a fucking dick! How can you be so heartless to her? I HOPE SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPENS TO YOU!!!!
By anon at 13,Oct,11 09:26

Yes he is a fucking dick but don't wish something horrible on him. Chill, and help the author.
By anonymous at 07,Nov,11 05:45 Fold Up

like that is important?!


By anonymous at 15,Jan,11 06:30

if god allowed too much suffering for you, it's not for pleasure, it's for a reason, God didn't make me with a desease just cause he wanted to, He did what he did cause he wanted to see how patient we are and if we're really capable of going throu our problems, the father of your baby killed himself, He failled in the exam, it's simple... You're able to go throu this, I mean if you were really someone who believes, you're gonna get better soon, and you're gonna even succeed in your test.
Just be strong, and I know there would be a light in the end of the tunnel, just like the light I had myself... I wish you good fortune
By anonymous at 12,May,13 19:36

God is a DICK!!


By anonymous at 17,Jan,11 00:18

look we cant know if god truly exists. You might want to read some books that deal with death. Nature is often harsh. Things just happen and people die for no apparent reason. Many animals have multiple babies because most of them will not survive. Your life is not over. Miscarriage is much more common than most people realize. I know people who had older kids with bright futures die tragically but they still find a way to bring meaning to life and keep going. Life is not always so easy or like a fairytale. Sometimes you have to take the punches and keep going. This will only make you stronger and develop more character.
By anonymous at 07,Nov,11 05:47

Yes, miscarriage is rather common. Understandable that you were upset because you became attached to the baby. But it is a common thing and you will have another baby. This is actually a blessing in disguise as it showed that your husband is not strong enought o go through thick and thin with you, and be thankful he didn;t walk out on you years later when you would have lost even more time on him.


By lunch lady at 29,Jan,11 21:26

My little boy was much like yours. His organs were in a sack outside his body. They had to apply to do a late term abortion and tried to induce labour for 3 days. After that they did a C-section. Woke up in the maternity wards, that was special. My husband then had an "emotional" affair with my best friend.

Today I have two teenage daughters that have made me greatfull that I hung in there. They cause me no end of stress, what kids don't. Don't give up, I was going to, but if I had, two less lights would exist in this world.
By anonymous at 07,Nov,11 10:30

These husbands are useless!!


By anonymous at 30,Jan,11 21:50

i know the world is a place of heartach, and you have had more then any one person should have too deal with.i would be a liar if i said i know how you feel, but god has a plan, no one person knows why these thing happen. my heart aches for you, and my heart truely weeps as i read your life story. i wish you lifes greates treasures, you will always be in my prayers. sincery, ONLY GOD KNOWS. a person of faith.


By anonymous at 04,Feb,11 10:52

God has a plan trust me. He didn't take your little boy for a laugh. Think about it maybe He wanted to save you another pain but one other thing is for sure and its good you found out before you married that guy that he def wasn't right for you and he'll get his for doin what he did to you. Believe me God will give you joy in the end just keep faith


By Missy at 27,Feb,11 18:01

I lost three folks in my life. My step moither May my freinds siter Linda and Kerri year she she died after he house cuaght fire. I did go in after her bu the flames and smoke was too intnese. My freind Kat is has helped get throguh it and therapy is helping. Killing my self will not bring linda and Kerri back. When throws you curve just try and make contact. Your life is worth alot killing and wishing you were dead is just negitive thinking think of the posititves in your life an things will get better and keep god in your heart. I go to church talk to your pastor and if that does not then get some help from a freinds or therapy. That sometimes can help. I have moved on the pain f losing those three people that were good freinds and a peron who more of a mother than my own mother is less. Hang in there and please get some help.


By at 28,Jun,11 20:03

im sure ur a gods person ... i read it n i really want to hug u ....all shall be well ..... i really want to advise u sumthin .. pls get a pet .. a dog a cat .. a bird or a fish .. n take it on from ther .. start reading .... join a gym ....... im not askin you to talk to u anyone or make friends with anyone ...... but make friends with ur own self ......... it helps me .. m sure it will help u ...or cum n meet me ... tc ...


By anonymous at 30,Oct,11 02:40

I understand you and how you may feel. If you haven't already seen a specialist, you should do so. The doctor can be a big support for you. He can become the friend you need that understands how you feel. I'm not saying it will make everything right - I know it doesn't. But having that person to talk to really helps. Being alone with your feelings is one of the hardest things. You need to find someone who can hold you if need be, I believe depression has something to do with feeling disconnected from the world. And believe me, I know depression well. I'm fighting the battle all the time. The dark days of winter are harder too, it's a time of year when you may need to do something new for yourself. Sometimes life needs some down time as well - time to sit and feel and learn. I hope I've helped a little bit.


By anonymous at 01,Dec,11 20:23

you ha


By anonymous at 29,Apr,12 03:08

That is very saddening, please listen, this is very selfish but I have a one year old and want to die. I mean literally. No matter what horrible thing happens to you remember, everyone has problems that can lead them over the edge, It's how we survive that makes us who we are.


By anonymous at 09,Jul,12 12:49

I lost my job. I have a masters degree, experience doing scientific research, experience teaching in college. I sold my car. Cashed out my retirement and savings accounts Had to have an emergency surgery (appendicitis) with no insurance, so owe 20k in medical bills, still owe 68k in student loans. I moved across teh country with my g/f, who them left me, stole all of my belongings, and left me homeless with no money. I now live in my mom's basement. I'm 37 years old. I can't get a cashier job; can't get a grocery store job; can't get a starbucks job; can't seem to get anything; they say i'm overqualified. I can't get a job in my field.. every research position has at least 100 applicants; although I am good and know my stuff, its very competitive. I have lost all hope and desire to be alive. I have lost any confidence in a future where I can take care of my own self, lost any confidence that I will ever be able to love another woman after the emotional abuse my last one spewed onto my life; she now, out of the blue, filed for a restraining order, 4 hours away, so I can't even afford to get to the court to defend myself, and show that I have never even done any of the things that she is claiming.
By anonymous at 13,Oct,12 14:20

You still have your family and good brain. I lost my fiance a year ago. I would have been happy to see him alive even if he stole my money. (he didn't) the thing is.. you have hope my friend. just keep on swimming. You have all the tools with you, you just have to keep on looking for the cheese.
By anonymous at 16,Mar,13 05:00 Fold Up

you are full of shit. Sorry but I call it like I see it. I have been down that road and i know there are jobs. Not the one you want, but it is there. Suck up your pride and get to work. You will be stronger for it before you know it. Let us know how it goes.


By anonymous at 30,Aug,12 01:57

These are sad situations. I do have a job and husband. I have three grown kids. One married in Canada I will probably never see, one who does not want to come home..and then my son whose wife is having a baby next week. She doesn't like me and neither does her mom. I wonder if I will ever have my kids together for anything, Chirstmas, birthday..anything. I miss my family. I have been waiting and praying for over ten years for things to get better :( My friends say I am a kind person..My kids just dont care.


By anonymous at 11,Sep,12 15:34

I'am questioning my faith ...why does there have to be so much despair, pain, hurt, and depression in the world? And why can't those who are suffering find and get the help they need ?
If you are one of these many people , FIND SOMEONE TO HELP !!!!!
Do not go to the web site that tells you in detail how to take your life, how to do it , quickly & painlessly....becasue even tho it might not hurt you
( pianfully ) while you succomb to death, the pain , depression ,hurt and despair are now in the hearts of the ones who loved you .You have solved your problems ( or so you think ) , but your family and loved ones will suffer for the rest of their lives .
The last time my sister posted on facebook , she was welcoming my oldest sister into the circle of social media...it read" welcome seester , great to see you on here !!! And went on to explain what a wonderful , useful tool facebook would be ...she sounded fine , she seemed excited , and happy....she hung herself the next morning.
Im mad , Im sad , Im numb ....I have questions I can never get answers too. Did we fail her , or did she fail us ...
To anyone out there contemplating , do not take your life ,seek treatment , please ......Im sorry if my agenda seems selfish, but I loved my sister very much , and the best times of my life were spent with her , my oldest sister , and our mom . I hope she is in heaven , and at peace now .....that is what she wanted . For those of us left behind , we have no peace , our hearts are broken , and we will feel this pain until we die someday.......
By anonymous at 12,Sep,12 21:49

she doesn't want you to suffer. If you know she is at peace now then you can also be at peace. She never wanted to hurt you. Her pain was too much for her and that's all.
By anonymous at 13,Sep,12 12:01

Thank you ( question my faith replying ) , you have no idea how much those 4 sentences you typed have helped me .
I will remember what you said for the rest of my life ...
my eyes welled up with tears as I read it , but my heart became lighter . You gave me a part of the answers I was looking for .
Thank you
By anonymous at 13,Oct,12 14:37 Fold Up

i think we feel we are alone, but we are not alone in pain. all people go thru pain in different ways. As i read thru all these comments.. it makes me realize that life is really difficult. i have thought of ending my life so many times. I felt everything is utterly meaningless. I cannot live with myself anylonger. I lost my fiance a year ago, and this made a deep impact in my life. i felt unmotivated and find it useless to dream of my future again. But then again.. even though I hide myself from daily busyness, life seems to go on even without me. Even though my world collapsed.. i realized it was just my point of view and that everything else continue their own business.. so what now? shall i waste valuable time? is there still time. yes everything is just a point of view, but the thing is now is what i have.. now is the only thing we have. either you chose to be a loser and let things pass you by or you go on and try as hell to make things work one step at a time. anyone reading my comment. I challenge you.. you have nothing to lose, you have reached the deepest point in your life and there is no other way to go but up. lets pick up each other's misery and push each other to move forward. losers gone mad. so what.. life sucks.. but atleast we die trying.


By anonymous at 03,Nov,12 23:06

i had a massive stroke 4 years ago yhat left me crippledfor life i can hardly walk and mybleft arm hand and shoulder paralyzed after 4 years of this fucking hell and praying to jesus to get better my wife hos the best person in the world that helped everbody and everything at the the age of45 gets breast cancer!!!!! where the fuck is god and jesus and all that?
fuck them all
By anonymous at 16,Mar,13 05:10

Sure, that will work. Blame God... not the food industry for the chemicals processed in your food, the government for allowing big industry to poison the air you breathe, big industry for doing it in the first place, or the thousands of other causes for your suffering.. not to mention your own choices in life. Just blame God, its easier right? No, really, go on ahead. He's a big boy and can take it. Before we all start blaming God for everything wrong with this world, why don't we look at ourselves with that finely tuned microscope we use to judge others with.


By anonymous at 01,Jan,13 02:27

I have The. WORST LIFE EVER :(((
1st,I hate my Lil brother his being a jerk.2nd,He is USELESS.
3rd,Today is new year,HE'S BEING A CRY BABY(LOL)
And last Iwish I was DEAD
my happiest wish is playing computer on heaven but it will nvr come true
By anonymous at 12,Jun,13 10:38

ur a fucjing idiot people have real peoblems cancer ceippled by strokes and this is ur problem?


By anonymous at 01,Jan,13 03:36

and I use MEH FKIN IPAD


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