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I've lost all hope, I wish i was dead.

Posted by anonymous at December 26, 2010
Tags: Death  2010 December  Tragic Events

About 2 years ago, I had a normal (average) life. I had a good job, lots of friends, big happy family, etc. And althought I was stressed out a lot, I was happy expecting my first child. The pregnancy was going normal (or so the doctors thought), but the week i reached six months my baby died inside the womb. The moment my life was over, all the dreams and plans i had for me and my baby boy died too. Giving birth to a baby that i could never hear crying, or smiling is the most painful experience and i don't wish that on the worse person. I'm someone who always beleive in God, and always been there for anyone who needed my help and i give anything to make others happy. How could this happen to me? As if losing my son wasn't enough, his father tried to commit suicide, i never saw him after that day in the hospital. He called once to apologize for not being 'stonng' enough. I had to plan our baby's funeral alone, I've been dealing with all the emotions of grief imaginable. Now 18 months later it isn't any better. Each day i feel worse than the day before, sometimes i'm hopeful but that feeling doesn't last long. Most days i think about ending my life, but i know i won't because it would cause my mother too much pain. Before this i was very social, i was the one everyone called for help, advice, or just about anything, but i've been so distant from eveyone including close friends and especially my family. I no longer attend any gathering, to make me feel worse, it seems eveyday someone i know is having a "baby". I want to be happy for them, but it's too hard for me (only somone in my place can understand this feeling, so please don't judge unless you've been where i'm). I try to think that my baby is in "heave" is with "God", but how can i believe that? How can i beleive in a God, a God that allows so much suffering. Everyone knows i was the person that would make the best mother they ever known, after all i'm all the kids favorite "auntie", "cousin". I had such a great life planned for my baby, sometimes i wonder if every expecting mother has just as much plan. This is already too much to share and there's more but i'll probably have to write a book to detail everything that's happened to me, like my baby's father totally abandoning me during the time i needed him most, his family pretended to care, but they all eventually stop talking to me, and today they are welcoming his new baby, which he had with the women that try to make my pregnancy stressfull.
I once used to believe that life was full of ups and downs, but i never imagined my life to go in the direction that it went and continues to go. If there is indded a Hell, i'm definetely living it now. I'm a fighter, i never thought of giving up, always been thrugh a lot hardship ever since my childhood, but this is a battle i don't think i can continue to fight becasue i might end up giving up. What's the reason for all this suffering? and when will it end?


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