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My life

Posted by A at January 29, 2011
Tags: Health  2011 January  Loneliness

I'm a 20 year old male, and I hate my life.

I was diagnosed with Chron disease at the age of 12, and I had to take some pills that made my face really swallow, which made me constantly being harassed at school.

2 years later, I got a severe acne problem (and I mean, really severe) that made my entire face look like an erupting volcano. Combined with the swalowness of my face, not only it made me look like a monster, as it was really painfull through the entire day. Sometimes I just wanted to go to the kitchen and grab a knife and manually rip off those painfull tumors under my skin. My disease (which is related to the intestines) made me constantly want to go to the bathroom during classes, which made me a laughing stock in my class. I cried every single night, sometimes I still do, because I never understood what I had done to deserve this.

Only now at the age of 20 my disease stabilized. My face is normal, and my acne problem disapeared (for now). I almost look like a normal person, excluding my acne scars through my entire face. However, the damage has been done: I had the wrost childhood I can imagine. I never talked to people because of the way I looked like, and now I have poorly social skills. I have no friends. I'm a virgin and don't even know how to talk to girls, my entire childhood left a trauma on me that I don't have a single drop of confidence. I see all the people I knew being sucessfull in life, getting their driver's license and girlfriends... the only thing I managed to do was failing twice in my driving exam (I still don't have my license) and being a pathetic loser who gets no girls.

I have always been a good student, but since I got into college last year, I became one of the wrost students. I feel like I am never going to graduate and my life is pretty meaningless right now. I cannot make friends in college and I don't have motivation to do anything every day. I joined a football team to meet new people, but it didn't help very much. I love the sport and give my best every single practice, and I can kinda talk to people while I'm there, but I only talk to them while I'm there, when I get home I get back to being a lonely and depressed person.

I don't have an open relationship with my parents; I spend all my life on my room, on the Internet and only see them at dinner time, and we never talk about anything. They love me and I love them too, and I know they have suffered for of seeing me having the childhood that I had, and they want me to talk to them more often, but I don't feel confortable to talk to them about anything, it feels weird.

I hate my life, I feel lonely and meaningless. But I know there are much worse cases than mine. I want to change my life and I know I have everything in my disposal to do it, but I just don't know how to... I don't know where to start... I don't know how to do it... i read a lot of self-help ebooks concerning social communication and talking to girls, but I just can't do it... I'ts like I don't have the courage to start applying the theory of what I have read. My childhood still haunts me, not letting me be what I want to be. I don't know what to do, I cry every night thinking about how miserable and pathetic I am, and sometimes I just wish I had never been born...

Please help me.


New Comment

By anonymous at 11,Feb,11 00:35

God.. Reading your story brought tears to my eyes (no sarcasm). I'm a 21 year old guy so I'm about the same age and gender. Doing bad in college too! Haha! You do have the right to feel sad about Crohn's disease. You're not weak to do so. It's a problem unique to your own (unlike divorce, acne, relationship break ups, everyone goes through that).

All the stuff about reading books on self confidence and girls.. Hell yeah I know how you feel! Just to let you know, those books on advice are just a way for society to promote masculinity and capitalism.

I can't tell you what to do but if I were you, I would hang around my parents and forget about impressing girls and achieving popularity. Those things come naturally to people. Yeah, you could be all positive and work really hard. But in the end, I'd ask myself "Why am I not being loved for who I truly am?".

You have loving parents. If people call you momma's boy or whatever for hanging around them, so be it.

By anonymous at 25,Feb,11 17:30

There is a person who loves you and, for Him, all your problems and your past don't matter cause He has the power to make you feel really happy. His name is Jesus. He can solve every problems. You live to be a winner, don't accept the idea that you heva to feel this way, and that you will never know what happyness is. Just pray and believe that He is the solution.
By anonymous at 25,Feb,11 18:34

"He" is not the solution. He is a myth. Total bullshit. Don't give people false hope. Encourage them to fix things themselves with hard work.
By anonymous at 25,Feb,11 22:16

There is a God. He believes in you. Pray and ask him to reveal himself to you, and he will. You can have peace and joy in the midst of the pain. I had a really horrible childhood and the only peace I have ever had is with Jesus. And like the other guy said, hang around your parents. And go to Church. God has someone out there for you, just hang out with Jesus and wait.
By anonymous at 26,Feb,11 11:28

fuck off, stop giving people false hope
By anonymous at 27,Feb,11 09:50 Fold Up

Don't be an idiot.
By anonymous at 02,Mar,11 10:17 Fold Up

if there was ever any proof that there is no god, than this is it
By anonymous at 14,Apr,11 06:17 Fold Up

I agree.

By anonymous at 25,Feb,11 18:29

my sister still takes pills for her acne n shes 24 she also has scars, its worst for girls than for guys(they are more sensitive), I got my face burned and developed rosacea now its better than before(but some days I feel suicidal), google it you'll see how rosacea can be bad and unlike acne is doesnt go away as easily, its daily factors, humidity etc that trigger it. As for Crohn's disease have a friend that has it and he is fine, no choice adapt.

By anonymous at 26,Feb,11 02:18

Hi Friend, when i am reading your story,i can feel it,i can see you,dear don't worry,all your problems will be solved.
I think u can undergo some skin treatment or plastic surgery for the scars u have.but u know some thing,your personality, nature, behavior is more important than your looks.
i can understand your problems in studies,once i undergone such situation,you have to come outside your room(your world),to get rid of all your problems.try to talk to people,u said u have internet u can chat with people,u can use social networks to get friends,the world of internet will give u friends,who can hear you,if there is someone to hear us,understand our feelings that's the best way to be happy.gradually u can improve your social skills,your confidence,and u can be a successful man.when u have confidence automatically your studies will improve.
When u r good at studies,people starts admit you,when u have a good job in your hand,everybody will admire you,and everything you want will come to you.
so be confident my boy,you are going to rock this world,if u need friendship mail me to

By at 26,Feb,11 15:31

i feel for you i'm just 14 but there where always people in my class which always bullied me and i gues there will be girls that like you because they won't look at the way you look from the out side but the in side they will probally help you. you will get happy go out some times ore try too get a blind date you know it really can help there are some times congress which help people too come over it and don't say it ain't that bad i think your problem is one of the most serious when i was reading it it felt like i had too cry (your storie where the first one that i felt that)

so good luck if you want to ask me stuff mail me at :
By anonymous at 02,Mar,11 10:18

advice: dont react. it may be simple, but word spreads that people can get a reaction out of you if you react and then itll be harder to make friends
just make a couple of friends and talk to them and forget about everything else

By Nick at 04,Mar,11 21:09

Hi. I want you to know right now that it will get better if you want it to get better and you try. It will be a very gradual process, taking a long time, but if you put in the work and keep at it you will get to happiness and peace that you didn't know was possible. Some people are not born "naturally outgoing". No one is born knowing how to talk to people, or how to flirt with girls, make friends - it is something we learn as we get older. If you miss opportunities to learn it, because of sickness, diseases, bad childhood experiences, whatever, you can learn it as an adult. It just takes a conscious effort.

If I could give you a couple pieces of advice it would be, use the relationships you already have as a basis to grow from and build upon. Any healthy aspect of a relationship at all is a good starting point. It seems like you have a reasonably accepting and loving relationship with your parents, so I would definitely start there. I know you don't sound happy just being at home at all the time, and you want to reach out to more people, and you can do that as you work on it. But any good relationship is a basis to learn how to create new relationships.

Secondly, this may be the most important; ask your parents for help. That may be all you need to say, is, "I think I need some help." They seem like will be accepting and willing to help you get the help you need, but maybe they don't how to go about it bringing it up to you. From the way you describe them though, I believe they really will jump into action if you ask them.

Thirdly, a good outcome of this would be if you started seeing a psychologist. I do not recommend a psychiatrist, because they have a tendency to prescribe medication, and from my experience they are not as skilled in the talking aspect of therapy. A good psychologist will give you an environment to face your childhood and the feelings you got from it and to sort out your thoughts and emotions in a safe place. They will help to deal the past so that you can grow in the present. It may take a long time, but you will know when you are ready to end it. They will help you to learn all the skills you need to create the life you want.

I hope this helps, you seem like a good person, and you have a healthy desire to interact with others, but you just don't know how well enough yet. I believe you can learn. I was silent when I was a child, I went through school, from Kindergarten til 8th grade, not talking to anyone in class, I would follow around one friend that I just clung to. I was terrified of people, even of my own relatives, and I was always teased about being shy and never talking. It was indescibably painful and frustrating. I never really learned how to talk to girls or make friends with people. I started a therapist only after i got to the point where I was going to either kill myself/allow myself to die or do something about it. I would not wait until you are at your lowest to get help, it just makes getting better that much harder. I went to a psychologist for 2 years and she saved my life. I have had a lot of experience with psychiatrists also, and I can tell you that psychologists have done 1000 times more for me than psychiatrists. Medicine can mask symptoms and pain, but it cannot solve the emotional problems and trauma behind them that cause them to continue. That is my belief, yours may different. Anyway, I am getting continually better as time goes on. There is no miracle quick cure, but I have experienced things and become a person that I didn't even know could exist. We can achieve just as much happiness and peace as anyone else, it just takes time and work.

So, I take a lot of interest in your letter because I am also a male in his early twenties, I have a had lot of deep childhood pain, and I battled with depression for over a decade. But I am getting better. I believe we can all heal, and there is hope for you. Ask your parents for help. Hopefully, get set up with a therapist. And believe you can learn how to get better and interact with people and live the life you want to live. I still struggle with things every day, but I have achieved a lot of peace. I found this post because I was feeling lost and confused, and I searched for "I am so lonely." These feelings come and go. You have given me strentgh and encouragement in remembering what it is I came from and what I am working towards. I am confident you can heal, just like anyone else. Good luck to you, and if you have any questions, please post here and I will do my best to answer. I believe you can get better. Just do the work.

By anonymous at 07,Mar,11 07:00

wow im rellyu sorry about ur problems man i am only 11 and im having the same childhood problen as you except without the disease

By anonymous at 10,Mar,11 23:02

I am writing because there is hope. I was in the same boat as you. I was the outcast during school, graduated, went to college and grew confident in myself. My little brother had ulcerative colitis (similar to chrons) and committed suicide May 2010. I wish I had given him this advice before he acted out. THINGS GET BETTER! Your life will not be ruled by who you are in high school and college! You have to start small. Look at yourself in the mirror and point out all of the things that you love about yourself (this works believe me). Slowly but surely you will start letting the things that you love grow and flourish and the things that you hate will slowly fade away! I hope I am not too late telling you this. Invite a person from work to go out for drinks or to hear a band or something. Be friendly and personable. Going out little by little will build confidence. I PROMISE!


By anonymous at 14,Apr,11 06:16

Kill yourself, it's the only way out. Trust me.

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