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Lucky . . .

Posted by Lucky . . . at January 30, 2011
Tags: 2011 January  Philosophical

I'm lucky . . . I guess. I hate the person I'm with. But I'm stuck with her. I can't leave her. She's one of the last types of people I would ever otherwise be with. But you know what? I'm stuck.

I got her pregnant. When that happened, I said "Oh SHIT." She wouldn't get an abortion - and I'm pretty a persuasive dude. When trying to talk sense into her didn't work, I simply got off the phone, got on my knees, and prayed, prayed, prayed. I said "God, PLEASE don't less this unwanted, demon-spawn thing growing in there be born. I absolutely PROMISE that if you make this thing go away, I will sacrifice my life for this female and stay here."

A week or so later, she took a pill and got an abortion for a reason that just happened to come up (won't bother explaining it. The point is that GOD did that shit - lol).

And well . . . I got it. I mean I GOT it. I understood that God did me that favor. Got rid of that thing/kid growing inside there. And well, I had to hold my end of the bargain up now. No way I'm going to back down on my promise to God. I was serious that if this kid was not born, I'd throw my life away - all my aspirations to find my soulmate, etc, someone I feel good about and with, someone I love - and stay with this person instead.

And well . . . here I am . . . coming on seven years later.

. . . Hating life . . . lol . . . Every day. Trying to deal with it . . . This prison. Looking (way) forward to death. :)

But also understanding that as bad, and as horrible, and depressing as is my life currently . . . It is one MILLION percent better than it would have been if I would have been responsible for bringing another life into this world without love, or strength, or togetherness, or both parents for great support, etc, etc. This life is too hard. Look at all the wonderful people on here - all the wonderful souls on this site that are sooo fucking FUCKED up because they were born under fucked up circumstances by fucked up people who totally and completely didn't want them or love them.

I didn't want my kid to be another one of the many horribly depressed people on here with a terrible story about how horribly fucked up their life is.

So I sacrificed my life, my love, my aspirations, my goals, so that the person I'm with wouldn't have a baby under unloved circumstances.

So, again, my life is great. My life is wonderful . . . because, as bad as it is . . . at least it's just me . . . and her. Not me, and her, AND an innocent little kid that would have to live a life where her father doesn't love her (or him) or his/her mother . . . or love himself because of the situation he's in.

Yeah . . . Life is good. :)

God rocks.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
hate my life  March 26, 2012
Lonely April 14, 2012
Life can be fine but my mind isnt March 11, 2012
Freedom May 15, 2012
My wasted life May 2, 2011



New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 16,Nov,11 15:39

Wow man, I am fucked up myself, and I mean seriously fucked up, if you put a gun in front of me I would blow my own head off without a second thought, and it would be over something as stupid as a parking ticket. I have nothing going for me and nothing wrong with my life, no debt, no illness (other then crippling depression) and I am nowhere near as fucked up as you.

Have you ever thought of getting a psych evaluation? You may be psychotic to some degree or another.

At least you had the common sense not to bring a kid in the world.


By anonymous at 11,Jan,12 16:36

Listen, leave the girl, the two of you will be better off.


New Comment