So, I'm 15, a guy, home schooled all my life (i'm desperately behind, four years, i had a meltdown after my mom got diagnosed when i was 11, and didnt come back out of it til 13, but i didnt start trying to catch up til last summer), my mom has cancer, my dad works himself to death, my little brother whose 13 is estranged, we're trying to get rid of our house, my older siblings live across the country, so i never get to see them, most of the people i ever cared about are dead or removed from my life. i've recently accepted the fact that after doing everything we can for her, my mom's going to die, and i've always been extremely close to her. i dont think i've felt a real, positive emotion for the past month now. all i feel is apathy and hurt. its gotten so bad i feel physical pain from the hurt. im depressed as well. but i wouldnt try to kill myself. i already tried before, but the pistol jammed. the only good thing is i have a girlfriend who's crazy about me, and i'll admit i'm not all that stupid in spite of my grade. i'm not very attractive, i got most of my dad's rough features, bad acne, brown hair thats always plain. i'm socially awkward, in fact, i had to have special ed to learn how to speak properly, and at that it's still a challenge to complete a sentence. i'd give my life away if it'd mean my mom could get better. i could care less about anything material. i just want things back the way they were before she got sick.
oh, and i don't have very many friends, but i'm sure you expected that after hearing i was home schooled. in fact, i've been more or less rejected by three people who constituted, sadly, almost half of my friends. two of them wont talk to me and the third had broken my heart before, and i feel she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, not that i can really handle the pain of dealing with her right now.
not that i really actually care about any of that. i'd rather not have any friends right now. i just want to be with my mom while she's still here.
i really wish i could help her.
i just want to make it better
thats all i want
but it could be worse. i guess.
i could live in the ghetto, or never had a dad,
or a brother, or my brother couldve died when i was younger,
or my mom died giving birth to me,
or i couldnt walk, or was a druggie,
or my dad left us, or my mom died sooner,