I apologize as my letter will be very long, so i decided to split it into categories, so you could chose what to read. All that i seek is advice and would be really grateful if you could make an effort and read it till the end.
INTRODUCTION
Hello everyone. I don't even know from where to start. I'm a girl almost 18 years old and i feel like i have lost myself as i am so confused.
For starters, let me say that I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother, it's like she never understands me, can't talk to her about anything as she's a bit old-fashioned and doesn't seem to understand me at all. I have tried to talk to her, try to establish at least something that could help us to get on better. I have a friend that shares everything with her mom, if she's stuck in a difficult situation her mother always gives her advice. What I am saying is that they have a really strong connection. Wish I knew what's like to have a mom that cares for you, listens to you, gives you advice. Once I told my mom that I like a boy at school, and she started telling me that I think only about boys and nearly called me a bitch. And that was not true at all, that was the first boy that I liked ever, but i guess i learned not to trust my mother and share things with her.
On the other hand, I have an amazing dad whom I love very very very much. He has always been caring for me, supporting me through all of my difficulties, advising me and loving me more than anything on this world. The problem is that 3 years ago he moved to another country because of his work and i tend to miss him a lot and kind of suffer because of it. I am studying at a university so when i have holidays i visit him. And sometimes I feel insecure when dad is not around, get the feeling that i am completely lonely without him. Sometimes he disappoints me and I tend to think that i have idealized my father and actually he's nothing that i think he is. Just want to mention that he has accomplished very much in his life, he started from 0 (before marrying mom), had no money at all but with all his efforts he managed to become rich not much, just a little bit higher middle class.
LONELINESS
I have never complained about the fact that I am lonely. I don't have real friends that could support me and do everything they could if something happened to me. It may sound weird but I enjoy being with myself, i feel more alone in a company, when everyone pretend to be something that obviously they aren't. I have a brother but this doesn't help a lot, i would describe him as a selfish person but still, I love him very much. Sometimes I talk to him when I really want to share something, but all that i get is critics. It offends me, but I move on. Sometimes I think that I am a strong person as I have been through a lot of things that helped me realize that there are no real friends just constant interests. Anyways, there are days when I feel more alone than ever and I don't know to whom to talk to as there's noone around that cares (guess today is such a day) and i break down and cry as i feel that I am helpless. While constant arguing with my mother i have several times thought of killing myself but then comes the thought with my father suffering I just can't hurt him in such way, seems too cruel. Sometimes only this helps me to move on.
DESTINY OR WHAT ?
Few days ago, while I was coming back home from my dad (as I had a vacation) I had a strange experience that I don't know how to interpret. The thing is, that I chose for the first time to come back by bus not train..and I was glad that nobody sat next to me. So, after 3 hours as the bus stopped people started to come up, so a very nice boy sat next to me and he couldn't stop talking with me. Here I have to mention that I had just 1 serious relationship with a boy maybe when i was 16 or just turning, so that boy meant the world to me back then..and when we broke up i totally gave up on something called love or a relationship, just couldn't find anyone interesting or good enough for me. I know that 16 is a very early age for starting relationship, but it happened i found a boyfriend and was pretty happy with him. Unfortunately, all good comes to an end. So, going back to what happened to me. We started talking (with the boy that sat next to me) and I found out that he's really interesting person. When I told him where I was headed to, he told me that the bus that we were on, doesn't go there and that I have to catch another bus. Here I didn't know what to do whether to trust this young man or not, so when I saw that all the people were getting of the bus, I simply didn't know what to do (I was in another country, don't know the language that is spoken there). Then this boy asked the driver, he gave him instructions and next thing I know, this boy grabbed my bags that were really heavy and waited with me for my bus to arrive and helped me with my luggage. I was so thankful to him, besides while waiting we kept on talking about ourselves, so we exchanged our numbers, promised to keep in touch and find each other in facebook. We did so, but it turned out that I can't stop thinking of him, all I do is think of him. Honestly, if it wasn't him, i'd probably be lost somewhere back there as my battery was dead and couldn't call anyone. But the thing is, that he invited me to see his town after all and of course I'd love to, but isn't it all fast? I mean we keep in touch, we write to each other almost every evening, and i couldn't help but notice that i am starting to fall for him. But what if he sees me only as a friend ???
To sum up, I am not saying that my life sucks or something like that..I just have hard time figuring all this out on my own, I am confused. After all, I see my friend with her boyfriend being so happy, that I want to have someone close to me as well, someone who could hug me when I feel bad and support me through my problems. I am very grateful that you read all this, please give me advice or say what you think. :) | |
love is a lie...
the only result of your relationship with that boy will be something like stories we have read on this site.
I read your entire story and I must say that I feel that I can relate to how you feel,I am an 18 year old guy and I've always felt like I was alone in groups of pretentious people. I tend to only keep in touch with close friends and don't like having casual ones because I feel like they will never be able to understand who I am.
I must say, there's nothing like finding someone you can feel very close to. That being said, I think you should continue to develop your relationship with this boy because in the end we all want someone we can share everything with and be happy that they are around us.
This is my email ----> gorner_92@hotmail.com
if you ever need to talk to someone or want to have an anonymous friend please don't hesitate to contact me.
I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness.
New Comment