My life sucks. I am a 19 year old male going to college and i am so sick of the shit i've had to put up with i don't feel like getting up in the morning. It seems like it should be fine, i know there are people out there with things like medical conditions but that doesn't make my life any better does it.
I am in my second year of university(college) and really can't be fucked to study or work out or anything, all these things that i used to do for my 'future' seem worthless now because i can't enjoy my future if my past is so fucked up, it just doesn't feel normal.
I was a virgin till I was 18, which really tipped me over the edge of sanity, considering it was added to a childhood of poverty, abuse and getting fucked in the ass by life.
I feel that I can't be part of a group or relate to any friends because I know they all gort to have those expreiences growing up that EVERYONE got to have as a birthright, but i mised out on and every time my friends talk about those experiences it cuts me up inside.
I suppose I'll start from the beginning.
I was born in a shitty third-world country called russia, where i had to live with my mother because my father had been shot serving in the military. My mother didn't get paid either, so we lived there borke as fuck for a while until we moved to another country where we were still broke-as. Despite not having the money to go anywhere or by shit, my mother decided to send me to a male-only boarding school where i had to live in a cubicle and shower with dudes and either stay at the boarding school while my friends went on leave or go to dances with girls I couldn't afford to go to because I didn't have the $5 entry fee or barely any money for that matter. The alternative was to go home to my mother where I got to listen to her manhating rants and get physical abuse. I didn't even consider to ask her for the $10 to go to any dances because this is the woman that told me that she found me inside a cabbage when i asked her wherre babies come from and told me that nobody would ever love me and that teenagers with girlfriends are the devil.
If only I had a father to at least give me an alternate oppinion to her crazy shit, if not help me out a bit.
When I finished school and still haven't kissed a girl, as glad as I was to get out of that prison, I also had in mind that I spent my highschool years locked up in a cubicle with a bunch of dudes, never seeing a girl. Now every time I see one of those high school movies where they get to go home to that white picket fence and normal family, after a day of school where the charachter got to see his girlfriend, it shits me to the point of wanting to throw up and I can't keep watching.
To put the cherry on top of the shitcake that was highschool, in this country, after years of school we all go away for a week of partying, but need $3000 for the hotel and other stuff. Obviously since I was in a boarding school I could not get a job, and when I tried asking my mother for the money there was no chance, because according to her, partying is also the devil plus we were still broke as fuck.
So i got to sit around at home for a week, while everyone went and partied and had sex all they liked while I was still a virgin. And afterwards I ad to listen to people telling me countless times all about how i missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime experience that everyone else got to have.
So I thought fuck-it, i could still be normal, get over it and get on with my life, I was still 17 in college and thought if i lost my virginity before 18, i could still be normal and it wouldn't matter that i spent my high school years locked up with a bunch of dudes. The only problem was that i had no idea how to talk to girls, I never had a father to learn from, I had a man-hating mother telling me how hitting on girls is evil and for the past 5 years of my life I have been locked up not seeing a female my age, so i was terrified of talking to girls, even asking the time, since i haven't talked to one in years, literally.
So i looked for help on the internet, and forced myself to taolk to girls and prayed to god every day, that if I could only have sex before I turned 18, while i was still a child, like normal people, i would get some of that growing-up experience that everyone else got and be able to get over all the other shit that i've had to deal with or ignore it. My skills with women improved, but the whole praying to god thing only showed me that it was fucking with me because the first time i had sex was 2 weeks after my 18th birthday. This really was the breaking point for me. I just snapped, i no longer feel happyness or the desire to do anything. Sure, great food still tastes great, i've gotten much better with women and can get girls that really turn heads everywhere, but none of that matters to me, because I am still that guy that never had that 'white picket fence' childhood, and the high school and grilfriend experiences i have to watch on tv. The reason i don't watch TV anymore. I will always have that broke-ass childhood growing up with no father, a borderline insane mother and all the other shit and nothing I do can change that so why should I bother do anything. I don't want to live with that.
This depresses me to no end. There is no way to undo it or fix it, and all the movies and my friend's stories of their highschool days just remind me that i missed out on all that.
I could work on my career and get married like 'normal' people but that would be meaningless to me because success in my future just wouldn't make me happy about my life because 'my life' is the past present and future and this shit in my past makes my life suck. I can';t ever get maried because i will always be jealous of my wife that got to have sex and have a bf in highschool and I didn't and if i have kids i will have to watch them have these experiences that i missed out on.
I really don't want the rest of my life, it has no value to me. I wouldn't commit scuicide, because it would upset my brother and grndmother who i think is the reason my mother didn't kick me out when I was a kid, but then again i might have been better off with foster parents. I shoudl have just eran away but my mother always told me stories to make herself look good that foster parents beat and rape you.
All in all, i've had enough of this shit but don't know how to fix it.
I've tried praying to god A LOT, but it seems that it only wants to screw with my head. I've tried speaking to a shrink, but they just ask endless streams of questions, and give no answers. I don't want to take meds because antidipressants only mask the problem and help someone pretend it's not there instead of fixing it.
I try to live my life but I don't feel normal or like I can relate to anyone. I can't find an excuse to get out of bed the past months, i really look for one but there's no reason to get up.