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fuck my life, i hate my life, it sucks how can i go on with my future when my past haunts me

Posted by anonymus at February 14, 2011
Tags: Attitude  2011 February  Juvenile problems  Poverty

My life sucks. I am a 19 year old male going to college and i am so sick of the shit i've had to put up with i don't feel like getting up in the morning. It seems like it should be fine, i know there are people out there with things like medical conditions but that doesn't make my life any better does it.

I am in my second year of university(college) and really can't be fucked to study or work out or anything, all these things that i used to do for my 'future' seem worthless now because i can't enjoy my future if my past is so fucked up, it just doesn't feel normal.
I was a virgin till I was 18, which really tipped me over the edge of sanity, considering it was added to a childhood of poverty, abuse and getting fucked in the ass by life.
I feel that I can't be part of a group or relate to any friends because I know they all gort to have those expreiences growing up that EVERYONE got to have as a birthright, but i mised out on and every time my friends talk about those experiences it cuts me up inside.

I suppose I'll start from the beginning.
I was born in a shitty third-world country called russia, where i had to live with my mother because my father had been shot serving in the military. My mother didn't get paid either, so we lived there borke as fuck for a while until we moved to another country where we were still broke-as. Despite not having the money to go anywhere or by shit, my mother decided to send me to a male-only boarding school where i had to live in a cubicle and shower with dudes and either stay at the boarding school while my friends went on leave or go to dances with girls I couldn't afford to go to because I didn't have the $5 entry fee or barely any money for that matter. The alternative was to go home to my mother where I got to listen to her manhating rants and get physical abuse. I didn't even consider to ask her for the $10 to go to any dances because this is the woman that told me that she found me inside a cabbage when i asked her wherre babies come from and told me that nobody would ever love me and that teenagers with girlfriends are the devil.
If only I had a father to at least give me an alternate oppinion to her crazy shit, if not help me out a bit.
When I finished school and still haven't kissed a girl, as glad as I was to get out of that prison, I also had in mind that I spent my highschool years locked up in a cubicle with a bunch of dudes, never seeing a girl. Now every time I see one of those high school movies where they get to go home to that white picket fence and normal family, after a day of school where the charachter got to see his girlfriend, it shits me to the point of wanting to throw up and I can't keep watching.
To put the cherry on top of the shitcake that was highschool, in this country, after years of school we all go away for a week of partying, but need $3000 for the hotel and other stuff. Obviously since I was in a boarding school I could not get a job, and when I tried asking my mother for the money there was no chance, because according to her, partying is also the devil plus we were still broke as fuck.
So i got to sit around at home for a week, while everyone went and partied and had sex all they liked while I was still a virgin. And afterwards I ad to listen to people telling me countless times all about how i missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime experience that everyone else got to have.

So I thought fuck-it, i could still be normal, get over it and get on with my life, I was still 17 in college and thought if i lost my virginity before 18, i could still be normal and it wouldn't matter that i spent my high school years locked up with a bunch of dudes. The only problem was that i had no idea how to talk to girls, I never had a father to learn from, I had a man-hating mother telling me how hitting on girls is evil and for the past 5 years of my life I have been locked up not seeing a female my age, so i was terrified of talking to girls, even asking the time, since i haven't talked to one in years, literally.

So i looked for help on the internet, and forced myself to taolk to girls and prayed to god every day, that if I could only have sex before I turned 18, while i was still a child, like normal people, i would get some of that growing-up experience that everyone else got and be able to get over all the other shit that i've had to deal with or ignore it. My skills with women improved, but the whole praying to god thing only showed me that it was fucking with me because the first time i had sex was 2 weeks after my 18th birthday. This really was the breaking point for me. I just snapped, i no longer feel happyness or the desire to do anything. Sure, great food still tastes great, i've gotten much better with women and can get girls that really turn heads everywhere, but none of that matters to me, because I am still that guy that never had that 'white picket fence' childhood, and the high school and grilfriend experiences i have to watch on tv. The reason i don't watch TV anymore. I will always have that broke-ass childhood growing up with no father, a borderline insane mother and all the other shit and nothing I do can change that so why should I bother do anything. I don't want to live with that.

This depresses me to no end. There is no way to undo it or fix it, and all the movies and my friend's stories of their highschool days just remind me that i missed out on all that.
I could work on my career and get married like 'normal' people but that would be meaningless to me because success in my future just wouldn't make me happy about my life because 'my life' is the past present and future and this shit in my past makes my life suck. I can';t ever get maried because i will always be jealous of my wife that got to have sex and have a bf in highschool and I didn't and if i have kids i will have to watch them have these experiences that i missed out on.

I really don't want the rest of my life, it has no value to me. I wouldn't commit scuicide, because it would upset my brother and grndmother who i think is the reason my mother didn't kick me out when I was a kid, but then again i might have been better off with foster parents. I shoudl have just eran away but my mother always told me stories to make herself look good that foster parents beat and rape you.

All in all, i've had enough of this shit but don't know how to fix it.
I've tried praying to god A LOT, but it seems that it only wants to screw with my head. I've tried speaking to a shrink, but they just ask endless streams of questions, and give no answers. I don't want to take meds because antidipressants only mask the problem and help someone pretend it's not there instead of fixing it.

I try to live my life but I don't feel normal or like I can relate to anyone. I can't find an excuse to get out of bed the past months, i really look for one but there's no reason to get up.


Votes:


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New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 08,Mar,11 15:01

LOL. your life doesn't suck. YOU SUCK.


By anonymous at 08,Mar,11 20:34

There is more to life than screwing. What if you had sex with a slutty woman and got an STD? I would rather wait until my twenties or even early thirties for the right one than have red scabs and head cheese on my stuff.

Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. There will always be people who are better or worse off than you out there.
By anonymous at 28,Mar,11 18:00

There is not more to life then 'just screwing'. The whole of our existence is based on it. If it wasn't for your dumbass parents screwing then you wouldn't be here today to write a stupid comment like that.


By anonymous at 09,Mar,11 05:48

you are an idiot and have no idea when life sucks. there are a bunch of people having stories on this site being raped as kids. YOU R DEPRESSED BECAUSE YOU HAD SEX 2 WEEKS AFTER 18.


By anonymous at 09,Mar,11 08:05

The person post above is right. I'm 27 still a virgin, never kiss, never had a girlfriend, can't even talk to girls. Not by choice either, never had the chance cus everyone says I'm a butt ugly freak. I wake up everyday thinking of suicide. Next time you think you're a loser, think of me least you had some, I didn't and most likely die a loser. /coming from a real life male from America.


By anonymous at 15,Mar,11 09:50

Your fuckin retarded. you probably left out the part of your story when all the dudes in your school butt fucked you and made you their bitch.


By at 10,May,11 09:56

Bottom line. By your own post you say you're in college. 99% of the people in the world don't get to go to college. You life isn't bad. But your outlook is terrible. Yeah, you were in boarding school but it was obviously better than living with your mother. And sex? Seriously? No girl in the world would have sex with such a whiney baby. Stop acting like such a nipple sucking six-month old and grow up.


By anonymous at 30,May,11 15:51

i was rap i what justice


By anonymous at 30,May,11 15:55

my life is so dad but i am never going to give up it cold take 30 year but justice will be dont


By at 12,Jun,11 21:39

I feel so much hppaier now I understand all this. Thanks!


By anonymous at 30,Jul,11 07:39

pffffffffff ihate all this sick life can anybady tell me what i should do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


By at 24,Aug,11 00:38

I am so sorry for you. You sound like you have had not only an extremely traumatic childhood but an adulthood that wasn't what it was cracked up to be. Try writing about your life. Omit the swearwords,gussy it up a little and hey, you might just have a book to make some money off of. Of course, instead of making it completely dire and depressing, try to throw in a couple moments you might have had when you were happy. Think happy thoughts. Peace and light, friend, and I hope soon you can find your way.


By anonymous at 16,Nov,11 14:01

This sounds totally made up.


By at 26,Nov,11 07:57

Well put, sir, well put. I'll cetranily make note of that.


By anonymous at 29,Feb,12 18:46

is this really a serious thread? do you actually believe that everyone had a white picket fence childhood and got to have sex in highschool? what you see on TV is made up,not real, it's a fairytale, life really rarely is that way.. and about not having sex till two weeks after your 18th birthday, there are a lot of women and men out there who didn't have sex till they were in their 20's it isn't abnormal, a large group of people even choose to wait for sex nad a lot of the stories you heard in highschool were made up by boys who wanted to sound cool... besides sex doesn't solve anything, not really,if you had had sex before your 18thbirthday your childhood still would not have been normal... I look quite sexy and could probably haqve sex with almost whoever I wanted to but I'm still a virgin at the age of 26 cause I realize that sex without love wouldn't be good for me... I need someone who loves me not empty sex nad after what i hear about your life that is what you need too... just find a girl who didn't have sex in highschool (there are a lot of them) and whose childhood sucked (there should be like a million or so of those in your near presence) and marry her... get out of your bubble and face reality, OK?


By anonymous at 10,Apr,12 19:20

I'm really sorry for u. but don't become emo and cut yourself. its a very sad story, I'm sorry


By at 26,Apr,12 00:46

your life is so fckin better than mine. i was born homeless and lived homeless for 3 years. then i got child abuse at the age of 7. my dad raped me for almost every week for 1 year until my neighbor found out and arrested him. now i live with my aunt who doesnt give a shit about me and what i do with my life. i didnt even get to go to college so shut the fck up and deal with your not so shitty life.


By anonymous at 08,Dec,12 22:57

Feel sorry you lost your dad but everything else is just your messed up way of thinking


By anonymous at 19,Feb,13 05:04

know how you feel lost my dad when i when i was 12 have no friends it doesnt go away just embrace it carry on with life i never had a white picket fence child hood either :(


By anonymous at 09,May,13 20:29

R u fuckin serious right now cry me a river wow


By anonymous at 09,May,13 20:30

Try god he never fails


By matz crorkz at 23,Nov,14 10:41

ediFzS I'm not sure exactly why but this blog is loading incredibly slow for me. Is anyone else having this problem or is it a problem on my end? I'll check back later on and see if the problem still exists.


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