I'm going to tell you a story. The story of my life. If you don't want to read it, then....don't...
I am an 18 year old, college freshman. My life right now consists of driving 70 miles to classes every day, actually attending class, and attempting to study for these classes. No matter how much I study, I cannot seem to do well. Last semester I wound up with a 1.66 GPA (pathetic, I know), thanks to failing pre-calculus. Math has never been my strong suit. Honestly. I had to take out a loan to actually go to college this semester, thanks to academic probation. I honestly try hard. I really do. I've always been taken as the "smart, nerdy-ass guy that nobody really likes", even though I struggle with classes. I'm not trying to be conceited, but I don't think I'm a complete idiot. My mind never stops thinking. It's...complicated.
I do have friends, but only a few that go to the same college that I do. In high school, I tended to make friends with the smart people (no, not to cheat off of them), and as a result, I was always being compared to them academically, reducing my already low self-esteem even lower. Hell, even the cousin that I occasionally stay with during the week (to save on gas money) has a 35 on his ACT, the maximum being 36. So in a nutshell, I have extremely poor self-esteem.
I was raised by a single mother who is a teacher. If you don't know, teachers do not make that much money. My father didn't want anything to do with me until I was 10, after his second marriage, his first producing my half-brother (yes, I am a bastard son), and he now bitches and complains when I don't call him every other day. My mom is very old-fashioned and religious, and since I am her only child, she is extremely over-protective. Not a great combination.
Lately I've been very depressed. I don't talk to others about myself, and am sort of a "lone wolf". Never having been in a serious relationship hasn't helped.
I'm not about to openly discuss my "feelings" with anybody. That's not how I roll. I have absolutely no life, as I live an hour away from anything exciting, so I'm restrained to stay in my room, and do nothing. Oh, and getting 4 hours of sleep a night probably isn't great for my academic career. Damn you insomnia, damn you. I've had numerous people tell me that I need to get a job, girlfriend, life, etc., but doing any of these things requires me to live near my college, and being the son of a teacher, I have no money to do so.
I'm predicting that I will be forced to drop out of school, and get a meager job somewhere, earning minimum wage. I have already resigned myself to this fate. In essence, my life's not peachy right now. I'm not planning on killing myself (I'd rather stick around and see what happens), or cutting myself (seriously, why do that), or seeing a psychologist (that one I might need to consider).
I'm not writing this on this site to have pity from people, and I'm sure not writing it to get attention. I just felt that I needed to actually see all of the things that's wrong with my life at the moment, so as to take it all in.
Oh, and if you, as a reader of this site actually read this, I applaud you for sitting through my ramblings, and ignoring the problems of your own (which is most likely the reason you're on this site). | |
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