LIFE SUCKS

Life, loss, futility - why am I not able to find what I need and deserve.

I am a 58 year old woman. I am terribly lonely and feel hopeless and terribly anxious. It is weird to say I am lonely when I am on my third marriage but circumstances have caused me to find out I don't know what to do anymore to make connections.

My first boyfriend, and you will see the revalancy later in this, was a sailor and I was an 18 year old virgin who had been beat by her mother and always verbally put down. He was like a god to me but treated me very bad at times, not physically but wouldn't talk to me for days on end when he was mad at me and I didn't try to make him mad. He also cheated on me and this broke my heart and made me doubt my faith in anyone or anything. He went over seas and I felt relief and someone nice asked me out and we got married before my first boyfriend came back to the U.S.
My marriage was okay for the first six months but I wondered if I had married him on the rebound. He started working nights and started having affairs. I tried to contact my first boyfriend but he had gotten married. I fantasized about him over the next 20 years and had forgotten all of the bad things about him. I divorced my first husband after 5 years. I met a really nice man who treated me well and I loved him dearly but he had a hard time getting a good job. I had some connections and he eventually went from no job to a very high paying jobs over ten or so years.every time he got fired I thought it wasn't his fault and because of the previous jobs he was able to get better ones with a salary capping at a hundred thousand a year. I didn't know it at the time but he was cheating on me, and I am a loving woman, and there was no need to. He finally had pain in his groin area and I went with him to the emergency room only to over hear the dr. Say it as a STD. He had also been written up on the job and eventually fired and spend his nights and days in our den super drunk and verbally abusive all of the time. We separated when he had a loaded gun in the house and was drunk and threatened suicide.

I had gotten the email address of my first boyfriend and emailed him. We began a long distance phone relationship and after his divorce became final we began seeing each other I person.About two years before this my mom died suddenly and my 85 year old Dad started to develop Alheimizers. I loved my Dad with my whole heart and soul. My first boyfriend came along at the time when I was at my lowest. I had forgotten how cruel he could be and held on for dear life. I needed someone so badly. He mocked me getting a graduate degree and told me I was stupid but still I couldn't face things alone.

I didn't have short term relationships. My first marriage as a teenage stupidity and lasted five years. I was single until 35 and then married then. I was married then for 15 years and have been married this time since I was 53.

I have tried to please my husband aka my first boyfriend but I am afraid to do things with him because he takes things wrong and when he gets upsets he splits and goes to a house he has in Nev. I have multiple properties that I bought myself before I married this last time and they are in my name. He has worked on them but has never contributed to our living expenses except buying groceries. My money pays for everything else. I have never brought this up tp him as I knew he didn't have the money I do. Then his mom died and let him two houses one close in Nev. So he gets mad at me for something I don't understand and packs up all his stuff and splits leaving me alone.

He recently went to Nv. For a trip to see friends. He told me he bought me a Valentine's present and later in the day I told him I bought a new refrigherator for one of the two bedrooms apartments I rent out and I bought a nice one. I was quite upset as my aunt, who I really loved and treated me well when i was a did like a real mother died a few day before Valentine's day, a couple of days before her 86 birthday. I received a call saying she wasn't breathing well and rushed up to her hospital room where she died. I made funeral arrangements and was crying every day. I bought the first refrigerator I could on sale, I was grieving and too upset to do more. He was made at me because I bought a good refrigerator because I had lowered the rent on the apartment when one of the people were laid off. He says they are scammers and worked me. They didn't know what I was buying and pay their rent and are painting trim and odds and ends to make up the rent difference. When I talked to him he told me that was wrong and I lost my temper and told him it was all about the difference of two hundred dollars and I had just wanted it done. I had tried to call him when the refrigerator went out but he didn't answer. I was so distraught over my aunt'ts death that I told him I couldn't deal with him taking about things it didn't matter no one had died. Like my aunt did, it was just about things and not about people. He told me he didn't want to talk to me and I just hung up. Now the man who won't tell me he loves me had sent me a wonderful email telling me he truly loved me - now a few days later he won't even answer his phone. I talked to him once and asked when he was coming home and he said he was already home in Nv.

I need to give up on him and this fantasy of him I carried all of these years. His daughter doesn't send a father's day card or birthday card but always wants money and can't take care of herself. They are both mentally ill and I may be too since I want to love someone so much and be loved in return. I have no children, I teach psychology in college but I still can't seem to let go gracefully even though I am not happy and can't keep being punished by the coldness and being left alone. Not having anyone to care about is hard. I was so tied up taking care of Dad, my aunt and working I don't have any good friends anymore. I am lonely and wish I wasn't here to suffer anymore. Burying my aunt was the last me member of the family I truly loved and I am missing them and so lonely and depressed.