Or maybe I do. I don't even fucking know anymore. Picture this, been with the same woman for 7yrs, doesn't sound like much? That's a third of my damn life. I served her night and day, my social life suffered, I dropped outta high school so I could help support her and her dieing mother. Thank god I got a Good Enough Degree...worked my ass off doing under the table work and working fucking customer service. Trying, preying, begging I could save up enough money so I could give her a proper wedding.
I had to deal with her shit for how many years again? Her suicide attempts and her violence and her fucking insanity, all well holding a stiff upper lip while playing her shrink. The bitch leaves me...for some asshole twice her age and 200lbs of pure piggy fat bigger than me. Seriously? The dud can barely move under his own fucking power...but he was 'successful'...if he was such a goddamn success then why did he have to cheat on his wife of twenty years, lying to his children, to fuck some bitch as old as his youngest daughter?
So naturally, I was pissed... then this asshole started playing games. Arrested me on bogus charges. Stalking me after the bitch and I split, trying to get me in trouble with my boss..he won...the fucker won. I got fired...skip ahead a year and a half.
I thank god for a friend of mine, put up with my ass leeching off him for the past year as I been trying to pull my life back together. I have been looking for a job, but the area I live in doesn't have any that I'm qualified for...if I only had a CNA, cat do manual labor without running risk of tearing a hole in my intestines. Its gotten to teh point where I can stay here and do NOTHING with myself and live off my friend until...until I kill myself. Or I can hit the streets, become homeless and prey I can get to a decent city (200 miles away) where I might get employment...or you know die from exposure/health issues/violence/accident/disease/or my own damn hands...
I have no honor left, no hope, no dreams, no where to go and a 200mile hike to get to the nearest decently sized city....and to top it all off repressed memories of child hood of physical/sexual abuse are starting to crop up in this twisted little brain of mine, not to mention I have started hallucinating ...hearing voices and seeing shit.
... I think what pisses me off the most...out of this entire past 2 years...is jsut this last month I met a girl online. I spend literally at least 3-4 hours a every day talking to her. I have clicked with her like nobody I have EVER met... I really like her... but A: She lives literally on the other side of the world B: Fucking look at me, homeless sick half insane got no education no direction..what do I have to offer any woman?
Sometimes I think God might have it out for me...well if you do big man, I got a message for you.... FUCK YOU!