When i was a kid i was into music,i spent the whole day singing english songs although my first language was not english(it's persian),the love for singing just made me to learn the english well enough to sing.i grew up listening to michael jackson,jlo,madonna,beyonce and X-tina from my radio.
My dad was a sick bastard who always beat me in every moment he could find and my mother didn't care.I always had bruises on my skin and i had so many problems in school and my grades were low.
I always cried at night and wished for a better life without my crazy dad. in high school i realized that i'm gay cause girls were more appealing to me than boys and this one really gave me a hard time.
because of that i didn't experience any relationship with someone cause i hated myself and i had social issues like severe shyness and people phobia.
i was being tortured and beaten by my father until i was 18.then one day i told myself enough is enough and i left home and went to live with my grandmother in another city. Although my grandmother was a nosy bitch but life was better than before cause there was no beating and torturing.
I was 19 when i went to college and got a job.i ditched college in the second year because i didn't like my major,i quit my job,got some money from my mom and left Iran.
I came to Malaysia when i was 2o years old.went to college in here and finally got my bachelor degree in IT but always the thought of music haunt me. i wish that i could do something about my love for music but i couldn't cause i have so many behavioral problems,i'm afraid of beautiful women,i'm so shy and olso i have financial problems.
in these years that i spend here i didn't even have one friend,i just know some people and they're my classmates and i have to know them because of assignments but other than that i have no social life.
i hate going out and i hate bars.i hate beautiful women cause every time i see one, my whole body start trembling and sweating and my heart beats like crazy.
i don't know if it has something to do with my sexual preference towards women.
right now i think i'm transsexual, i think i'm a boy that is trapped into a girl's body, i like wearing men cloths and i hate girlie things.
it's been 2 weeks that i finished college and my student visa will expire next month,if i can't get a job i should go back to Iran and i don't want to go back there,cause i hate Iran because of it's stupid laws for women and it's stupid society that suppress people and my stupid family.
I don't know what to do,i don't think i'm gonna get a job in here cause i'm so depressed and i think it's showing in my face.
i feel sorry for myself cause i'm stuck in something that i don't like,and i can't do anything about music that i like and i don't even have a proper visa to stay here and not going back to that shit hole called Iran.
I have several thoughts of suicide but i'm a coward.my life seems so complex and full of problems.
the only wish i have is to go to USA and become a singer and also change my sex to man but it all seems impossible.i don't know how long i can survive.
This is my blog:http://suckylifeofmine.wordpress.com