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Posted by anonymous at February 28, 2011
Tags: 2011 February  Health

I can't understand myself. I've been under the tutelage of a fine educator and I've had a good upbringing. But after years of being tormented by an over-active and self critisizing mind I've gone to the best psychologists and therapists. Year after year I've been diagnosed with something new. They once diagnosed me with multiple personalities, but another psychologist noticed that was not the case since I basically change who I am each year. First I started out as a limit pushing party girl who had no care in life and that lasted for a good year and a half. Then I felt a sudden change, possibly brought on by a chemical imbalance in my brain, that caused me to withdraw from any human contact. After the change I pushed my cognitive functions to their limits, studying and absorbing knowledge as best I knew how. Some years after that, I've grown sadistic and am having trouble controlling violent urges. I desire power more than anything now. But there is a part of my frontal lobe that still morally sways me and I am tortured by my thought processes that have caused me to hurt friends and family. Lovers have run, friends dissappeared, family keeps their distance. I'm all alone in my mental prison. I'm on the brink of something chaotic and sadistic. Now the pain is growing everyday. My IQ spiked beyond it's normal capacity. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm starting to like these dark feelings. I need help before I draw blood.


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By hmmmmm Impalement at 17,Mar,11 16:33

You don't need to draw blood, you need to spill blood. You can embrace your dark feelings by inflicting pain upon others, or you can stop yourself by ending yourself. The choice is yours.

By anonymous at 18,Mar,11 07:55

You need a vacation. The type where you can be alone and chill out.
Stay away from doctors and medication.
Try yoga or some other form of meditation.
Whatever you do, you need a change of scenery, a change of outlook.

By anonymous at 18,Mar,11 12:20

lol hannibal rising

By anonymous at 20,Mar,11 06:36

Well, I can't quite relate to the sadistic part, but the rest sounds familiar. I'm a neurotic mess with no ability to socially interact with anybody. I've never had my IQ tested, but I've always scored in the top 1% on any standardized tests. My brain is much too active, I over-analyze every aspect of my day until I'm somehow certain everyone hates me; it's terrible. I also frequently feel like hurting people I perceive as being mean or smug. I've been thinking about taking up pot, just to mellow out some. Sounds like drugs haven't worked so well for you though so that is probably no help. Maybe try volunteering somewhere that you can make a positive impact? I used to put in hours at a hospital and a school and found it helped some. Doing something nice might help ease feelings of violence while earning a little more self esteem. Either way, I wish you the best. Thank you for sharing.

By anonymous at 20,Mar,11 06:41

You're smart and you write well. Ever tried writing a short story or novel? It might give you a more peaceable outlet to get some feelings out instead of bottling them up. The creative aspect also gives your mind something to occupy itself other than self-criticism.

By anonymous at 21,Mar,11 16:50

I'm gay!

By anonymous at 07,Apr,11 23:47

Its me. The one who wrote this brief little article. I've not found an outlet nor have I tried to control these dark urges. I've come to like them. They feel so bone chillingly intense because they are on the farthest edges of our human capacities. It's somewhat of a high. I won't draw blood. Not yet. But I feel dangerously close. I won't take my life. I'm a creature of narcissistic tendencies and can't bring myself to believe suicide should be done. What category does that put me in? Statistics are so boring. I did get into a nasty scuffle. That outlet felt delicious.

By anonymous at 18,Apr,11 12:15

damn your sexy

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By link building at 25,Oct,13 05:44

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