I've never given anyone a reason to hate me, so why do they?
Im so depressed I honestly just want to die I want to kill myself i cant deal with any of this shit right anymore.
All i want to do s cry, scream, punch someone in the face, cut my eyes out, and be beaten to death. I'm so frusterated. I hate the fact I'm like this. I just want to be "normal". I want someone amazing to love me. I want to be pretty and funny. I want people to love me, and want to be around me. I want to get hit in the face with a shovel and die in a hole.
Why is it when things start looking up shit always happens and ruins it. Why does god hate me. The only thing that keeps me alive is lying to myself that things will get better someday you will be pretty and beautiful. And someone will love you.
I hate how everyone walks all over me and treats me like shit. I hate how I let them.
Somebody just fucking kill me already.
I'm the most pathetic person i know.
It really upsets me when people think of me as a whore. That people think I'm easy. But at the same time, I am a whore, I am a slut, I am easy, but honestly, I do it because I feel like maybe someone cares about me when i get physical. That maybe i mean something to them. That they want to be with me, or love me, Or care about me... It makes me feel wanted at least for a little bit.
I wish i had somebody to love me...
I wish i meant something to someone...
But I don't there's not a god damned person in this world that would want to love and ugly fat piece of shit like me.
So I'll tell you a little bit about my life.
When I was six I was molested by the school police officer. It frighted me, but I never told him, or anyone, because I wanted his approval I wanted him to like me.
When I was eight I got baptized into the church of latter day saints. I've never liked church, and never actually wanted to get baptized either, I just told my parents that for their approval. I tried to do all the things that would make them happy. All I really ever wanted was my parents to be proud of me, show me love, but I guess that was too much to ask for. I feel my whole life I have been neglected by my parents, and family members. Especially my dad, I love my dad but itís hard to love him when he doesn't love me back. I used to try so hard for him to make him happy. He never seemed to notice all the good things I did for him. Instead all he noticed were the bad things, I was constantly yelled at for things out of my control, accidents, or whatever went wrong. I could never do anything right in his eyes. He's never been there for me as a father, he thinks he can buy his love from me, but I could careless about the material things. All I wanted was a father who was proud of me or at least showed he cared about me. My dad was usually only home three or four days out of the week and when he was home he was either yelling at me or beating me and my sisters. I guess the reason I never had a father figure in my life is why I always go for older men...
I was molested again when I was nine by a sisterís boyfriend and his three friends. I don't want to go into depth, but that's when my weight exploded. I'm an emotional eater and I eat whenever I'm sad, or depressed. I was nearly obese, and reminded of it everyday at school. Elementary was a hard time for me, I literally had NO friends.
I was constantly teased, bullied, kids would even throw rocks at me and beat me up. Purely for the reason I was fat. It was a hard time for me, nine was the first time I attempted suicide, I slashed my wrists and tried to bleed myself to death with no success. I had a terribly dysfunctional family, who constantly belittled me and mentally abused me. I was never rude to my family or did anything to provoke them. But still they all hated me and made sure I knew that.
I was so depressed, I was eating so much that my parents sent me to fat camp that summer. That was the first time I really had friends. But the reason I'm telling you this was because of a girl I met there her name was Melanie, we became good friends and when we went home we always talked on the phone with each other, shared secrets helped each other with tough times at school. she always called me, crying, saying that she needed someone to talk to and she needed help. She always called me like this. She called me one night and I was annoyed, I didnít feel like talking to her, I was just being selfish. I called her the next day, she didn't answer. I tried again the next day, she still didnít answer, and the third day I called her house phone. Her mother answered when I asked if she was home she started sobbing and breathing really hard. She replied, "Melanie killed herself two nights ago." She read me her suicide note because she had mentioned me. The line went like this: "Olivia, if you ever read this thanks for always being there for me and being my only friend, I just wish you could have been there for me the night I needed it the most. Love you always."
If I wasn't such a selfish lazy ass, I could have saved my friend from killing herself. This was when I started cutting myself again. I attempted suicide this time I tried to shoot myself. I fired, but no bullets, with none to be found. After that, I tried to hang myself in my closet, but the bar broke. After those incidents I went psychotic, I started seeing ghosts, I started feeling ghosts. They followed me everywhere I went. I saw them everyday they petrified me. I spent days huddled up in corners crying screaming for them to go away. That's when I attempted suicide for the fourth time, I took every pill we had in the house, Advil, Tylenol's, Prescription drugs. I almost succeeded but was put on life support in the hospital. I was then shipped to the insane asylum to be evaluated. They diagnosed me with bi-polar disorder, after staying there for more then a week, lying my ass off to get out. They sent me home with a prescription. I ended up not being able to take them, because it worsened my depression and made me even more suicidal. I was only fourteen.
Well to sum up this year I've been molested 8 times raped 6. I'm self medicated with marijuana, alcohol, and coke. Everyone hates me I'm a failure at school. I have no motivation to get up in the mornings and I just want to die. I fell In love with a 22 year old who keeps leading me on and I know doesn't love me back. I started prostituting to pay for my drugs. Now I'm sixteen with no friends, and no future ahead of me, just a tool for everyone to use for there selfish and personal gain. Everyone hates me, I have no friends. Now that I've got most of that off my chest I'm leaving this world for good. If you see this Mr. 22 year old I love you I always will I wish you loved me like I loved you. You would be the part that could complete my life.
your honey pie.