I am 16 this year and always feel like killing myself, either by starving, dehydration, swallowing pills or injection of drugs. Since 10 years old, I am bullied because I am the teacher's pet until 12 years old after I had completed primary school with excellent grades going on to a prestigious high school. When I was 13, I was quite good and cool looking but because I was a nerd for so many years, I became sorta dunno how to play with other people and other people view me as a noob and they isolated me. But I do have some close friends. When I was 14, I am the best looking guy in class, very cool, hot, charismatic. I thought that everything was gonna change a lot for the better. I became a prefect and it really boosted my esteem. I started to make many friends and became popular in the school. I really can be considered as the best looking guy in school. However, I was the parade commander for assembly once and I screwed it up terribly. My leg shook due to nervous and the whole school laughed at me. I decided to try again to pick myself up but the during the second time, it was worse! From then onwards, I had extremely low self esteem, dun dare to look up high and always seemed very sad. People seemed to want to bully me.I became arrogant to act confident so that people wouldn't dare to bully me. And my arrogance is my character from then on. I quitted as a prefect as I do not want to be the parade commander again. I thought that was the worst thing I could experience in my high school life..but I was wrong. After I quitted as a prefect, I decided to work very hard in my studies and get to the best class when in 15 so as to boost my self esteem. I told the people I quitted prefect in order to concentrate on my studies. However, I got an F9 for my end of year exams and went to an average class. When I was 15, the third year of high school, it started off well. I was the vice president of my cca, been involved in some article writing stuffs and got famous again. It really boosted my self esteem. However, due to my arrogance and no social skills(was a nerd previously), I had no friend in class at all! I started to have severe teen depression. Everyone hated me. I hated myself too. Things seemed to go very wrong. My results dropped like some mad dog. Failing 6 out of 8 subjects is becoming a norm. I wanted to commit suicide but didn't have the courage to do so. After quite a few months, my teen depression finally went off. However, I retained in my 3rd year of high school. As my school is an all boy school, I decided to change school and try a coed school and because of my good looks and coolness and charisma, I may attract many girls. And before that, I was possessed before by a spirit which I offended of the offerings by the road. I was being controlled by the spirit and became very very violent and even had the
intention of killing my parents! Okay but it was taken off by some rituals. When I am 16, I managed to change school, to a lousy school. There were lots of pretty girls there. And expectedly, many girls were attracted to me. But I hated my character a lot and I isolated from them. I feel that I am not good enough for them. I am a loner in that school. I thought that things could change but it doesn't. Skipping schools had become a norm. I asked a fortune teller before and he said that I would have many friends and be happy in that new school and this is what happens to me...I am really sad. Right now, I feel that life is really suck, I feel that I should actually be a great guy, with good looks, coolness, charisma and serious kind. Girls woo me kind. In my childhood, I had 4 girlfriends and they were all snatching for me. I dunno why but it seemed like even my parents don't really love me. I got a feeling that they would just abandon me if they feel that I am useless. I am not, but it's all these things that had happened to me caused me to be like this. I feel wasted. God gave me looks coolness and charisma but this is how I am today. :( I really want to end my life now. I dunno with my character, no social skill etc, how am i going to face the society. Everyone hates me whomever I talk to, cos my expressions, actions and smile sucks. Even the things that I say sucks. My arrogance, it's still there. Everyone shuns me. But I have a dream, that is to study very hard, become a doctor and save people in my country, being a loner. At least this can make me go to heaven. I was thinking, what if good people don't go to heaven? What's the point of living so painfully? And if roaming spirits don't get to hell or heaven and won't I be a loner for eternity? I'd rather my soul perish!!! | |
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