LIFE SUCKS

Not really that bad.

I'm just a major fuck up. Classic scenario, grew up in middle class suburbia as an indian minority. Got picked on in middle school, but nothing major like getting my ass kicked on a daily basis more or less some name calling here and there and social isolation. Was a pretty chubby adolescent with braces, so girls were never really in the picture. Then when I was 13 or so, I started working out, these punks started yelling at me and my sister and I yelled back, they came over like they were going to kick my ass, I recognized one of them from my bus, so I waited and punched him in the face on the way to school the next monday. Apparently they formed a small gang of kids who were going to kick my ass but never happened. I was really interested in girls but knew they wouldn't go for me, was in decent shape, good athlete, not bad in school, girls were never into me, they would always say I'm "alright" at best. At 14, my braces came off, went to highschool, no girls were really interested, talked to a few but could tell they weren't into me sexually. Kind of a social outcast, I found myself hanging with "stoners" some were considered the in-crowd...wouldn't consider myself a total loser in highschool, just never really got any girls, or played sports even though I was athletic, barely passing grades, just spent most of my time getting high. Senior year, I looked decent enough...and there were girls in my grade and younger who were obviously interested but at that time I didn't want anyone to know about how inexperieced I was as a 17 year old, I would have gladly gone out with these girls if no one else knew about it. Coasted through, getting high and generally doing as little as possible...didn't get to walk across the stage to recieve my diploma because I skipped gym class too many times...had to take summer school for gym...now all that might not sound so bad, but it left me bitter to no end, I have always been an angry person. My older brother had a lot of real and close friends and was successful as far having an identity...my older sister was more like me except she tried lot harder and didn't get into trouble which is all I ever seemed to do. My father was cool enough, not a typical indian father, worked a good job as a computer prorammer, basically let us to our own thing within reason, my mom ws more of a typical indian mother, little education, worked really hard for the family, had a job at a factory as well as doing all the housework, laundry, cooking, etc.

Well ended up graduating highschool after doing a health class at the community college, get a few girls phone numbers for post highschool life but totally missed out on a lot of girls that I could have had. Started taking classes at community college, actually doing well, had a job on the side, sold weed to basically support my own habit and smoke for free, finally got laid, had a somewhat girlfriend, not the girl I had sex with...still didn't want anyone to know about my business. Was hanging out with a group of people but they didn't seem to be on my level, barely made it out of highschool types with zero direction, no jobs for the most part, no cars, etc.

I was desperately wanting to change and have my own life for once, I did but it didn't feel right...like I was selling myself short...constantly trying to cling to my older brother's side who was off at college in a major city (Philadelphia)...being cruel to my older sister who was at Rutgers and pretty miserabe herself. Then my life just went majorly downhill and has been spiraling out of control for the past ten years.

In a nutshell, I got my nose broke making me more self-conscious than ever about my appearnace, lost my liscense due to too many tickets, got busted with weed with that girl who I had only kissed....decided to make a break for Rutgers myself only to just get drunk and fail out, my sister graduated and got an arranged marriage that failed after less than a year causing intense depression in the entire family, my brother graduated and took whatevr job he could find.

I got busted for tresspassing at my old highschool during my winter break from Rutgers, ended up back at community college totally depressed but graduating just before I turned 22. My sister was back home, my brother was there working, my mom was going about her businessa susual. My dad lost his job, like 03-04'...ended up moving to Florida...then selling the house, there was this younger hot indian girl who moved in next door who I never had the guts to talk to but was clearly intrested.

My brother and sister ended up staying in NJ while my parents and I moved to Florida, I came first neglecting to go to an overseas wedding that would have been a real great time and possible healing...I was just so depressed and angry and confused moreso than ever...like I had been my entire life but it was all coming to a head...I was 22, an adult, with a associate's degree, spotty driving record, weed and tresspassing charge on my record.

Went to Florida to finish undergraduate degree...soon as I got down here I knew it was a major mistake just like going to Rutgers 3years earlier...I was so desperately lonely, isolated, and horny...I was 22, gotten laid like a few times and some blowjobs...but I felt like the 40 year old virgin...in fact it was around that time that the movie came out, 2005...and it was so depressing.

I just felt like a complete loser and failure in life....now in retrospect I would do anything to go back to that time. Ended up moving back up to NJ wiith my brotheer and sister because staying in a small apartment with my parents 1100miles away from anything familar was too much too handle.

Its 2006, my buddy was able to get me a job at a hospital next to Rutgers, my bro and sis were at each othr's throats having to pay rent in the same town where we had grown up in a much nicer house...I only made things worse...as usual there were plenty of girls interested in me but I always end up messing it up....I was just plain fed up with life...ended up getting a DUI and a felony joyriding charge that has appeared as grand theft auto on background checks....lost my car, had to move back to fl with my parents on felony probation for a year, 2007, at age 23, worst year of my life.

Worked odd jobs, still have been,at 24 I crashed a few of my parents cars, got another DUI, got went crazy, and I still feel that way....put on probation again, finally got off and got my liscense back at age 25...working as a pharmacy tech....just feeling super wierd, out of place, isolated....like my life was over....I was able to get laid quite often that year however, but was still desperately lonely and depressed....got fired from that job and worked odd jobs that never amounted to anything all of my 26th year.

Almost committed suicide on my 27th birthday, my parents are in basically financial ruin, my sister is living in the UK doing god knows what with god knows who, I started working telemarketing jobs, tried going back to school...just feel completely isolated and old and like a major loser.

Now the final insult in what Im sure will be a long line of further humiliation and shame that is my lifestory...I got a job at a call center....was decent money and a real opprotunity to turn my life around, get out of florida and do something with my life....well I got another DUI, which I feel will totally be the end of my life....I almost committed suicide once I got out of jail.

I have court in a few weeks, hired an attorney who still expects 3500 from me which I cant afford, no job or prospects, possible jailtime, still have that DUI pendiing in NJ from 2006...and this will be my second in Florida....still dont know anyone...never been more isolated in my life...cant get a job, been basically railroaded out of society...feel so alone in fl, as a minority on top of everyting.....still just an associate's degree....not real concrete work history, no real skills, no girl, I hook up with strane women from bars and off craigs list whenever possible.....that is basically what my life has become and what I feel it will be for the rest of my life.

I'll be 28 in August but feel 68...and I have no one to blame but myself....I would kill myself if I wasn't so scared of dying....my entire life is one major embarrassment.

Even if I can miraculously turn my life around in soome magical way I feel as though I've wasted the best years of my life on absolutely nothing ad I will never be able to live this down.

Honestly wish I was never born.