LIFE SUCKS

Alone.

Sorry if it doesn't exactly flow. ok here goes: I dated this guy in highschool and he was abusive and raped me multiple times but I never told anyone at the time. He was a wrestler and my dad was the wrestling coach. You can see the complications here. Then I finally got out of the relationship and didn't even date casually for a couple of years, I hated men of all kinds. I worked at this summer camp and this guy seemed like he was genuinely nice and eventually I started dating him. He had some wierd ticks but compared to the last boyfriend I had in highschool he seemed like McDreamy. But then when we continued to date after working together at camp it was like he was a completely different person. Once he was taken out of the camp environment it's like everything just changed. He smoked pot and he had told me this but I didn't think much of it. Because it was just pot and not a super hard core drug. Pot isn't that much different than being drunk. He offered it to me and I smoked it. It was bad for me. Which I know may sound weird to many, but it was. All of the memories that I had worked so hard to suppress dealing with my last boyfriend were all of the sudden back. I had violent flashbacks. I started freaking out. I shook and from there I couldn't get it out of my head again. Then my boyfriend at the time, we will call him D, moved into the city with a friend from college. I was just starting college and he had just graduated. I didn't make many friends because I was so focused on driving to see him all of the time. Everytime I would go see him we would get drunk or high. He also has type one diabetes and bipolar disorder. These conditions mixed with alchohol and drugs is a recipe for disaster. He would get angry out of NO WHERE and hit me. I didn't even fight back. This also didn't help the memories that I was still dealing with surrounding the past boyfriend. He moved in with drug dealers and everything got even worse. Its my fault though because I would stupidly go see him EVERY weekend. Everyone in his apartment was a drug dealer. There were fifteen year old kids comming to buy from them. They had anything from pot to extasy to acid and even cocaine once and awhile when this one guy would come visit from Florida. He would roll on E and become super affectionate and want to have sex really badly. But see I would have violent flashbacks if he even brushed my body the wrong way so this was out of the question. he would get frustrated and then eventually he just held me down and did it anyway. I didn't even realize it at the time as rape. Thats how stupid I was. He would hold me down and I would cry and he would tell me to just be quiet and pretend I was somewhere else and use one hand to hold my down across my throat and chest and then the other hand to stabalize himself and rip down my pants. Then he decided one day that I would be able to "Chill out" if I got high on something stronger than pot. I of course declined. He then slipped acid into my hot chocolate. That was the worst "high" I have ever had. I thought I was in hell. I literally thought I was in hell and a demon was raping me. It was like D's face, my past bf's face, and a demon had all morphed into one. It seemed like the LONGEST night of my life. Time went on forever. I called a friend I went to high school with and she drove 3 miles to pick me up. I left while he was in the shower. ( this time that I was over at his place was during my winter break and I had intended to stay there all break because my ex boyfriend lives about a block from my house and I get very anxious when I go home and everything in my head just gets worse) Then went back to him. I have no idea why looking back at it. But I kept saying that he wasn't as bad as my past boyfriend, because he wasn't. That is a story I still can not go into detail about. I still called him everyday and went to see him on the weekend but I didn't eat or drink anything the entire time I was there. I decided to work at a different camp the following summer in order to distance myself from him and get a clear perspective. I went to work at a bible camp. Which was the biggest joke I have ever seen. No body is more corrupt than bible camp councilors. I have never seen so much drinking and random sex. But during the week they were completely different people. While this made me resent god and the church it did save me. I was able to break up with D. He had been cheating on me the entire year I had dated him. He was 24 and was cheating on me with a 16 year old girl. I used that as the excuse to break it off with him. He was living at home at the time. I called him, asked him about the girl, I had proof, ( he gave me his fb password and I snooped and read all of their messages back and forth in which they openly talked about me, so she knew about me) So I broke up with him and he went into a manic breakdown. He threatened to kill himself and me. I called his parents because he was living with them to tell them to watch him because he was suicidal. His parents were PISSED at me. They told me that if he hurts himself I would be to blame. I just cut off all contact. Then his brother said that he had attempted to kill himself and was in the hospital and needed to see me. SO weak little me decided to go ahead and go back to him. I took off from work and went to go see him. Then I took him back. Stupidly. Then I went back to school and still called him everyday and went to go see him frequently. But in secret. I didn't want anybody to know that I was still dating him. Because I KNEW it was stupid. My friends that I made the first year at school all three of them were now down to one. Two of them had transfered and the only one I had left was this boy that hung out with us often, K, we'll call him, and I didn't know him that well. I was very lonely. We started hanging out a lot because we only had each other here. When he asked about D I told him that I broke it off with him this summer. Thats what everybody had thought. But I didn't. Anyway K and I just kept getting closer and closer. He eventually asked me if I wanted to be more than just friends. The dilemma was that I really really did. But I was still dating D. I told him yes. Then it took a bit for me to realize what I had just did. I was cheating. On D who I hated but just couldn't leave and on K who was literally the most innocent nicest boy I had ever met. He had never had another girlfriend before and didn't smoke or drink. He is a computer major and really smart and funny. I felt horrible and didn't know what to do. I felt like shit. I would get texts from D when I was with K and I felt SO guilty. Then after dating K for three days I called D and told him we couldn't be together because I cheated on him with K. I lied and told him we had, had sex. Not true at all. But I told him this because he had always said that he would break up with me if I cheated on him. But he didn't want to break up he just wanted to break K. He threatened to come down here and do just that to me and to K. I decided to take the cowards way out and change my phone number and block him on FB and on my email. Then I contacted the Police at my university and gave them a picture and told them that he made threats to me and K. They said that they really couldn't do anything. They called him and he didn't pick up and then they left him a message that he was not welcome here. But that was all they could do. Now here I am. I should be happy now. Its all over now right? I am with the nicest boy anyone could ask for. But it makes me sick when he touches me because it reminds me of my previous bf's. I smoke and he didn't like it and tried to help me to stop, to no avail. Then he started smoking with me one day. Now he smokes more than me and I feel horrible. I also had a bit of a drinking problem and he really didn't want me to drink, which wasn't a problem because he didn't drink. But I would drink and then he would get upset and then one day he just got fed up and decided to drink with me. I feel like I have corrupted him. I want things to be like they were a few months ago when he was innocent. I hate what I have done to him. I hate myself. I want to kill myself. I don't want to continue this nightmere. I know that I am "a survivor" I got out of abusive relationships, but I can't forget everything that happened. It's haunting me. I am not doing well in school. I can not pay attention. I loose time, and have NO IDEA what happened during class because I am stuck in past memories that literally freeze me. I snap at K all of the time. He does really REALLY sweet things for me all of the time and I feel like a horrible person. I don't deserve all of the nice things he does. I constantly think about suicide. It is literally always on my mind. I am constantly thinking of different ways I could do it. My family has no idea what really happened with D, either. They think I hate them because I never go home to visit them. I feel awful. But I can't go home for long periods of time. It upsets me too much. I am alone. I can't tell K about everything thats going on bc I don't want to upset him more than I do. He knows a little bit about D and my past boyfriend. But he doesn't know any specific details. He doesn't know whats wrong with me when I freak out. I have no friends. K is my boyfriend, so he is all I have. I am alone. I see girls walking around and laughing and I get seriously jealous because I wish I had a friend. My family doesn't really know me. K doesn't really realllly know me. I am alone and I am going to kill myself if someone doesn't notice and help me.