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Sick feeling in my stomach

Posted by Fragile Horrible Woman at March 25, 2011
Tags: Attitude  Family  Loneliness  2011 March

Hello. I am going to be 30 in a month. As a kid I was mute basically, extreme shyness. I walked in on my mom raping my little sister 19 years ago. My mom was having a schizo episode, she is schizo affective. Lots other stuff happened throughout also.

Last month I just got out of my third relationship. All three were really really bad. In a few weeks I am going to court for assault againest this ex. He hit me in the face hard.

I now live with my mom and her boyfriend. She is leaving her boyfriend after 11 years. He also was physically aggressive with me too. And in July my mom and I will live alone together in an apartment somewhere. As I watch her date new people.

I have no one to call or hang out with. Men make me uncomfortable. I just want one bestfriend. Why is it so hard for me to find a woman friend? I hate being so hypersensitive. I think I am horrible.

I tried to believe in God and christ a year ago. some days I feel ok like he is with me. But when I get home from work I feel like I am going to vomit but I can't.

Sorry this is so long I am so self centered.


Votes:


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Comments:
By anonymous at 03,Apr,11 22:37

having feelings and admitting what they are doesn't make you self centered. it makes you a human being.
By fragileweakwoman at 08,Apr,11 19:46

wow. I just feel like such a selfish horrible person all the time. I hate to complain about anything. thank you really. you made me feel alot better


By anonymous at 04,Apr,11 02:13

I do hope you find a friend, you really deserve it. Don't beat yourself up emotionally, you seem like a nice person who's just been through some very tough experiences.
By fragileweakwoman at 08,Apr,11 19:50

I wish I could hug you. I just need to cry for months. walking around doubting yourself all day sucks ya know? and two years out of my life I lived with my dad and I had a friend or two, but still really bad at social skills.

And since that movie Black Swan came out it gave me such a panic attack in the theater cuz my mom is almost exactly the same.

She won't talk to me and completely ignores me since I told her I am trying to move out. She seems very mad about it. She also told me I was an egg dropped in the wrong basket.

I am being selfish again but I can't help it my body feels like its breaking apart.


By anonymous at 04,Apr,11 04:35

you can do it. Stick to god and christ, read the bible and know that those responsible for all the crazy stiff that happened to you and ur sister will be punished. Good luck sweetie. God bless. I'ts not to late, find a passion create think be. Good on u for admitting and expressing urslef. One step at a time. Try doing a community event or going to a women only gym or something to meet a potential best friend. Good luck :) XXXXX
By anonymous at 04,Apr,11 21:30

DO NOT stick with God and Christ. Believe me, I spent 14 years praying and when everything is said and done and your spouse screws around on you and chooses her addiction and new lover over you, you will ask why didnt God help me. They will tell you. Because she has free will. So you see our free will renders God impotent. And no amount of prayers will ever help you in any way shape or form.

We all have the power to change our circumstances within ourselves. For some it is burried deeper than with others. But it is there trust me. I have gone through dark days and come through. Some days are still difficult but I get through them on my own strength. Please do not be decieved by people who tell you lies about someone else or some God taking care of your problems for you. It will only lead to more dissapointment when nothing happens.

Dont give up, you can win this and the brighter days will slowly become more and more frequent.
By fragileweakwoman at 08,Apr,11 19:54 Fold Up

I just could walk out that door feeling good for a change. THANK YOU! man. ya know I am going to open up more to people.

I do like to paint. I went to college for it. And a woman only gym is a very cool idea. I might just try it.

I have to stay hopeful. What choice do I have. B/c if I could have just ONE person in my life that cared about me and understood me I would feel like I won the lottery. I just never had that before.


By anonymous at 04,Apr,11 11:49

I'm 30 and don't have any female friends outside family members. Why would you beat yourself up over that? Women are bitchy and jealous, I've never gotten along with them. Its very difficult to find a sincere female. Its best to depend on yourself, God & family.
By fragileweakwoman at 08,Apr,11 19:55

I know what you mean actually. I am a preschool teacher and it seems like some of the other women hate me. I can feel it in my stomach. I am actually afraid of one of them.

In a month I am taking an assertiveness training class. god I need it.


By anonymous at 04,Apr,11 19:34

kill yourself. Death is the only way out.
By fragileweakwoman at 08,Apr,11 19:56

I actually did attempt it 6 years ago. I was locked up for 3 weeks in a very very run down mental ward. I will NEVER do that again. Even though I want to.
By John at 27,Apr,11 11:08

Please do not try that again. I will be sorry if you die and I don't even know you. There are people who care about you. You just don't know them jet.


By anonymous at 05,Apr,11 16:12

You're problem is you don't feel any power in your own hands. You need to go out there and throw yourself on a guy, own his dick for the night, and then the next day, you will understand power is in the eye of the beholder...
By fragileweakwoman at 08,Apr,11 19:58

No. Power is HE on my clitoris FOR THE NIGHT.


By John at 27,Apr,11 11:06

no matter what happens, you must learn to let go of the past, for it does not defines you. you define yourself. what have you got to lose if you try this? try to think "hey, what if for a day, i just don't give a fuck"-like it was your last day. than you could do whatever you wanted :)


By John at 27,Apr,11 11:10

btw, my life also sucked and I do not think that you are a horrible woman, quite the opposite from your post


By Bobby at 15,May,17 02:04

My daughter tells me everynight, “I miss daddy!!!” It breaks my heart…I don’t tell my husband her comments anymore because I could see how much it was hurting him and we can’t afford for him to qui23#8t&0;.Those two are like two peas in a pod…I don’t think my husband has ever had the oppurtunity to get that close to any of his kids until now!


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