Today I found out that a good friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver. This is the second friend in four years I have lost due to the fact that some asshole couldn't monitor their alcohol consumption. I'm not a negative person and have always tried to look on the bright side of every situation. But lately things just never seem to work out no matter how hard I work towards making the situation better. My parents are divorcing or should I say attempting to divorce. My dad was laid off almost a year ago and isn't really trying to find a job to piss off my mom because she will have to pay him alimony if they spilt up and he doesn't have a source of income. So basically they have no choice but to stay together as my mom is having a hard enough time as it is trying to pay the bills and sell the house we can no longer afford to live in which is impossible because of this shitty housing market. I go to school full time and work two jobs so I can support myself and my dream of becoming an opera singer. My parents don't support my dream and do EVERYTHING they can to stop me but I refuse to back down which makes them even more angry. My father has anger management issues and has verbally and physically abused me since I was young. I stood up to him last time he tried to lay hands on me which surprised him since I'm usually pretty submissive. He's stopped doing it so frequently but anytime he starts again I fight back. My mother is no better. She has this way of beating you down mentally till you feel like the most worthless piece of shit. Just when I start to feel proud of myself or start to even like myself she comes back with some hurtful retort. For instance calling me fat every free second she can. She was a size 2 at 18 and I'm a size 8. My dad says she is the way she is because of her "nazi mother" who used to call her fat and torture her relentlessly with demeaning phrases. Now my mother thinks its normal and uses it on me. When I called her crying to talk to her about my friend who had just been killed she asked me if I had finished all my assignments for my professors and that I better not fall behind because failure is a sign of weakness and the weak don't succeed. I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this schedule and this kind of life. Between working 13hr days, balancing school work and studying music, as well as learning french, italian, german, and attending voice lessons, then having to come home and listen to my parents scream at each other and try to make me take sides like little children with no self control. I'm at the end of my rope. Nothing good ever seems to happen. I'm tired after having this same routine for a year and only getting 3-4hrs of sleep a night. I've lost almost all of my friends because they think I'm "boring" because I work so much and train for opera any chance I get. But they have no idea what I go through on a day to day basis because I always have a smile on my face and listen to other peoples problems yet when I have a problem myself nobody will take the time of day. The only people who will know will be anybody who reads this assuming anybody reads this, which seems to be reassuring in a weird way. Knowing that somebody took the time. Little do my parents know that I have been slowly saving money to go to NY because I was invited to tour Juilliard. I WILL NO LONGER BE A VICTIM. My life does suck but as I'm learning that as you get older you have more social power and freedom to dictate how you live your life, NOT your asshole parents. It just depends how hard you are willing to work and how far you will go to make sure no one will crush that. "no one can make you feel inferior with out your permission." | |
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