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why do i go through this shit? should i just go ahead and kill myself? why are men like this with me???

Posted by anonymous at April 7, 2011
Tags: 2011 April  Attitude  Family  Loneliness

my life is complicated as fuck so let me start from the beginning. i am 23 years old now. when i was born i almost died due to lung complications. 2 years later my sister was born. about 3 years later she got cancer and my parents divorced during her treatment. i was left in the dark. my sister made it through and my dad raised me and her. my mom remarried twice and has another daughter and a son. my dad and everybody else always gave my sister the attention and i was always neglected. not only neglected but abused and talked down to by everybody. nobody ever cared about me. i never had any friends in school and everybody always made fun of me. my dad thought something was wrong with me at 5years old and put me on medication then i got fat. even though i always got into fights with everybody at school and at home with my dad and sister i was the sweetest nicest person in the world. then in middle school i started noticing an attraction towards other guys. not only that but at like 13 years old i started to develop an obssessive foot fetish where i like to smell guys feet and give them money for it and i like to be humiliated and shit. so my whole teenage years i was struggling with my sexuality. then at 15 i was thrown into a group home and then i fell in love with one of the guys there. i lived there for 3 years. during my teenage years i started practicing hinduism and i got very heavy in it. i was a hindu for a few years. my dad always told everybody that i have an identity disorder but thats only because he always thought something was wrong with me to make himself look better. i didnt start making friends until i turned 18. i graduated high school and went to college but then i dropped out. i got expelled during middle school for fighting too much and i was overly suicidal. i tried killing myself for the first time when i was like 10. i have bipolar disorder and i get ssi. i had my first boyfriend at 20 years old and thats when i lost my virginity. he only went with me because he felt sorry for me. then before i turned 21 i found out that i was adopted and my real parents were hispanic. so it turns out i was never mixed white and indian. i have no trace of my real parents and i dont know how to find them. at 21 i got into drinking and drugs really bad and then i turned into a hoe and i cheated on my first boyfriend all the time. then i met this tall sexy guy and he claimed to be straight but we had sex all the time and i fell in love with him. after that he put me through hell and took all my money and made me give him money and he treated me like shit and got some bitch pregnant while we were together. he took my life from me and my apartment and everything i owned. so i moved in with my cousin and her man would treat me like shit. then i finally left his ass last year and since then i been single lonely and sexually frustrated. he turned me into somebody mean. then i lost alot of friends because of my attitude and any guy that i thought looked good i would get close to and then they would play me and treat me like shit. every guy is like that with me. now i finally gotta car but im homeless. then i got locked up this year because my sister called the cops on me and set me up. nobody understands me at all. not even myself. then last nite i fell out with this guy i been talking to and im in a lot of pain. and my friends are shitty. everybody expects me to be nice to people and make them happy but if i try to get what i want then its a problem. im miserable hurt and depressed and i just wanna die. nothing can ever be fixed. and lately anytime i came close to getting a fantasy fullfilled at the very last minute something would happen that would mess it all up and i end up worse off then i was before. it just keeps going and going but thats basically it. let me know if u wanna know more about my messed up life!


Votes:


Similar Entries:
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New Comment

Comments:
By anonymous at 20,Apr,11 15:40

alright bro, this is a heavy story!! I am sorry, man! Please check out this page, there will be people and places who care for you and there are redemption-groups where you can work through it all:
www.marshillchurch.org
Good luck and blessings!
By anonymous at 27,Apr,11 03:55

I don't think it's a bro, and I don't think she likes to be treated as a dude either :O
And about churches ? I wonder what she'll do right there ! Pray for jesus ? or talk to a priest all he wants to do is gettin laid with a 7yo lil child ?! Ow Ow or perhaps drink some blessed water cause it tastes like normal water i use to take a shower and masturbate ofc
Christianity SUX, find somethin else!


By anonymous at 20,Apr,11 22:07

So sorry. Find some support with some kind people. You need some kindness in your life. There is more right with you than wrong. Don't hurt yourself, don't hurt others. Live this life to its fullest. Fill it with love. I am so sorry for your pain. Find some support.

ONE BIG FAT HUG TO YOU! (just don't smell my feet -- jk)


By Rachel at 21,Apr,11 01:27

hi you, I just read this and want to give you a big hug. To make a very long story short--I have been there, too. I feel so, so alone. And it hurts beyond words. My one hope is to channel the pain into something new. Like yours, my situation is completely unfair, painful, hurtful, often unbearable.

But you and I, we are still here. Still breathing. I am writing this, you are reading this. Why? ...

The ONE thing I believe is that people are given burdens they can handle. If you look at your friends, their circumstances must look heavenly, compared to yours. Same here. It seems unfair, until I remember: if my friends had to deal with my personal, lifelong struggles and circumstances, they might be in mental institutions. The fact that you have persevered EVEN WITH THESE STRUGGLES makes you different and gifted. To describe your experience in such detail, so articulately--this takes great courage. You can't underestimate yourself.


By anonymous at 26,Apr,11 07:36

Wow you got a hard life.Remember that life is never ending. WHich means there's always chance for life to become better. You just have to forget the past, heck care the future, live in the present. Then you will have no worries or regrets.


By anonymous at 28,Apr,11 02:10

"any guy that i thought looked good"


Not to sound like an ass, but maybe you need to look at other guys. The pretty boy perfect looking guys treat all women like shit because they know they can, and they do and women seem to love it.

Makes me sick to see this as a frustrated nice guy always finishing last.


By anonymous at 19,Feb,12 22:01

i hope things go well for you in future.
Sounds like a life no to have but it also sounds like you are very strong as well in ways you cant see


By Keydren at 15,May,17 01:18

So much info in so few words. Tostloy could learn a lot.


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