LIFE SUCKS

what the hell is wrong with me?

I do not have a bad life persay, I'm just sad almost all of the time. Sometimes I can pinpoint a reason, othertimes I can't. Just bedriddenly depressed for no reason. I wouldn't call myself a drug addict, but I will do whatever I can get my hands on. This has cost me a lot of time and freedom and yet I still use regularly. I mean without it, my life is almost unbareable. I was with this one girl, named MacKenzie for a long time, she was my everything, and I know how pittiful it is when your general happiness and well-being is dependant on another person...but that's honestly what it is. One night I was piss drunk and sent a flirty (not suggestive, just flirty) text to her friend. She left me the week after that. I've cried almost every day since then, it's been a few months. I still see her everyday, we are in the same theatre troop. Everyday I have to hide myself away, and be so reclusive just because I know if her and I were to have a conversation I would break down into tears (it's happened like 4 times)
Every day I wake up with nothing but the memory of what I used to have. I used to wake up every morning with a smile, either I would send her a text wishing her a goodmorning, or she would send me one (depending on who woke up first) now I wake up dreading the day I have ahead, a day with no job, few friends, a drug habit with no money to support it, and above all I am so alone. I've never felt more alone and distant as I have in the past few months, but I've felt alone and distant for most of my life.
I've tried to kill myself twice, the first time I pussed out the second time I've failed. I am a dissapointment to myself and everyone around me.
I don't know why I can't get over Kenzie, I've tried so hard not to think about her, but I can't get away, I can't stop missing her. I've had girlfriends and casual hookups since then, but even with these other girls...I still need her.
Pathetic right?