I am only 21, but I feel as though I am 81. As an only child of a single parent I was constantly alone in my youth. On top of that, my mom and I moved around a lot (at least once a year until I was 15), so I was always having to readjust and try to fit in. It never worked. In middle school, I was mercilessly teased for my terrible acne, my body type, and my general presence. At that time, I couldn't even escape to my home for solace because my mother was entering a relationship with an abusive alcoholic who domineered my every move. When I was 15, my mother married this abusive man and thus ensued a total of eight long years of domestic violence, lack of self-esteem, and general anxiety nearly every minute of the day. I spiraled into a depression that, now as a university student, is really coming through in everything I do. I have many acquaintances, but no honest to god friends. Everyone I do end up becoming close to, eventually begins to hate me and I really can't understand why. It feels like everything I touch turns to shit, everything I try to fix just becomes more unrepairable. It is the day before my 21st birthday. I should be out having fun, making plans with friends, and getting really excited but that won't happen. It never has happened. I am not like most 21 year old college students. I feel that my loneliness is intrinsic, and even if I were to find friends and support, there is something inside of me that will not budge. I fear that I'll die this way...alone, unhappy, unsuccessful, and damaged. I can't let go of what happened to me in the past, I can't escape my imagination, and I feel that my anxiety is growing by the day. Life shouldn't be like this.