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I don't think it gets better

Posted by marshalt at April 12, 2011
Tags: Anxiety  2011 April  Job  Life Story  Money  School

I know I don't have it as bad as some of you. Growing up, my family was poor, but never in poverty. When I graduated high school, I thought I would escape from that little town and go off and see the world. I went to college about 3 hours away from my hometown and I was so excited about learning new things, making new friends, and discovering who I was. I ended up on academic probation at the end of my freshman year. I couldn't handle the stress of being a full time student and trying to support myself at the same time. I had trouble finding a job that would pay enough and give me time to get my school work done. I have social anxiety and the idea of going in and looking for a job was just overwhelming. I ended up just dropping out after 2 years, with nothing really accomplished. Maybe if I had some goals to work for, (I never could decide on a major) I would have worked harder in school. Maybe if I could have just found a decent job, I wouldn't have been so stressed about money. Either way, I was done there.

I decided to enroll at a tech school. I found something I enjoyed doing and thought maybe I could make a career out of it. But the same old problems came back. I couldn't find a job to work with my schedule and depression and anxiety got so bad my parents checked me into a mental hospital. I was there for 4 months. I was kind of excited about being there. I thought it would give me some great life experience while I healed. But I never did heal. Medication never worked for my depression and I still suffer with it everyday.

Since I got out of there, I've bummed around for job to job, staying a year or so at one place and trying to find something better. The sad thing is that I've never made enough to really move away from here. I live an hour away from that hometown I swore I would leave. Recently, I found what might be a decent job, but I can't afford to move there. (You need about 1000 dollars for the first month's rent and a deposit.) With gas prices the way they are, I can't afford to commute either. (I live about an hour away from there.) So I'm looking for jobs closer to where I live now, but there aren't a lot of good paying jobs for college drop outs. I'm sure I'll find a job where I can once again afford my one bedroom apartment, but that's a far cry from the life I thought I was going to be living 10 years ago.

Like I said, I thought I would get travel the world and have all these amazing experiences. In those ten years, I've left the state 3 times, and I've never been more than 500 miles away from my hometown. It's hard to see all these photos of my classmates on facebook, showing them in Vegas, or France, or wherever.

A few years ago, I thought maybe that travel just wasn't in the cards for me, and that maybe I was going to have a more domestic type of lifestyle. But naturally, not too many girls want to hang around a depressed loser, let alone marry him. I've never had a girlfriend. I've had sex a few times, but they were just one night stands. (I haven't been with a woman in 4 years.) I've never known passion or love.

So I guess I'm just rambling at this point. No, I don't have the horrible life of abuse like some of you. My friends aren't dying in horrific ways. (Not that I really have any friends.) I don't have some terrible disease. (I'm pretty sure I have a heart condition though.) No, all I have is a life of regret and failure. I don't see a reason to wake up in the morning. I do have a niece who is the one bright spot in my life. But sometimes I think that maybe it would be better to go now, because she's only 4 and will only have happy memories of me. She'll never have to see or know how much of a loser I really am.

Maybe that's better for everyone. If I die young, well, sort of young, since I'm 28, I'll never have to turn into that loser 38 year old who has never had a girlfriend, is always broke, and never did anything with his life.


New Comment

By anonymous at 24,Apr,11 08:53

lol your a funny guy

By anonymous at 24,Apr,11 11:38

The things you say and somewhat the way you say them is something that I would say myself, try stand up comedy or write a book.

By at 25,Apr,11 14:20

I felt your pain for a while.. then I just said fuck it.. you can always travel cheaply with Just think of this - I can't even legally GET a job in this country due to visa restrictions. At least you're allowed to get one.
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oh. How desperate you are.

You know, even travelling to ants' home is travelling.
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