I am so impulsive. If I am super happy one moment, and then suddenly some asshole makes some rude comment to me then I will be down all of a sudden, and I will resort to suicidal behaviors. I down painkillers with nyquil, or I stock up on antidepressants and take them all at once. So far I haven't died, but I'm messing my insides up. I just get REALLY suicidal REALLY suddenly. Usually I am deeply depressed, but I am too lazy or disinterested to off myself right then and there. It attacks me, and I am usually never prepared. I'll start walking around, asking people for money so I can go to six different stores (Wallgreens, CVS, Stop & Shop, Rite Aid, and others) and get a bottle of nyquil from each of them, so they don't get suspicious. Then I drink all of them. I never die, of course. I just either 1) fall asleep really quick, so I don't think suicide anymore or 2) go on a trip. You know what I mean. I told my therapist "I am suicidal" and she said "No you're not. You can stop thinking that, but only if you want it badly blah blah blah" crap talk. So I never got help. One time i even ended up in a hospital because i took too many pills, but after i got out of the hospital, people kind of forgot about that incident. no one really cares, even though i tell them desperately. they do not want to be stressed out by my issues. I don't blame them, though. I'm dangerous to myself. But it's not fair to keep me locked up in a mental hospital until I randomly go nuts. and i am no good at telling people when i am feeling suicidal. i withdraw immediately and do it. I am thinking that there's really no hope for me. I wish I could rid my mind of suicide. my mind is going to kill me one of these days. | |
One thing I can say is ssri medication helps me a huge deal... without it i would be dead. It has made me a new person but the second someone brings me down I get shot right back into my old mindset for atleast 4-5 days feeling severely depressed and hopeless. Don't know why I said this but good luck to you man.
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