I am 25 years old and still I don't know what's the point of living. I suffer from depression since I was a child. The reason is that there are many problems within my family and I could understand them from an early age. I always wanted to die or run away from my home. Even though I had though many times to commit suicide I gave up in the end because I was afraid what will happen if I survive... so I had to find a way to leave home. I never was a good student but I tried my best to enter a good university and few months before finishing my studies I had a job. But for my father I was a useless human being. I started thinking again about leaving home and one way to do this was to continue my studies abroad, so I tried my best to save as much money as possible because I didn't want to depend on my parents any more. Finally after two years I got accepted in a master program in another country and I was really happy for that (after that I was still useless). For the first time I had dreams for my new life. I would be able to live in a beautiful country and wanted to get a job there so as to never go back. Maybe the problem is that I am taking things too seriously. Since I came here I saw that everyone just wanted to go to parties, have sex etc. I like to have good time too but I think that I am too old for doing all the things that others do. So I ended up again depressed mainly because I there is no one to talk to. I never had many friends because of my shyness. All the friends I had at school were the freaks, weirdos, fat and ugly. Most of them had problems within their families like me and I liked to discuss with them and give advices. But after some time I realized that some of them copied something I did (in behavior, expressions etc). I don't find myself any special. I don't like people who follow the crowd and do not have their own opinion about something. So I started not to come too close to others and just say a hi every now and then with some of them. I never had boyfriend. two guys tried to come closer to me but I ran away. I don't know why but I am a bit afraid of having a boyfriend. Some people say that I am a lesbian without knowing me but I like men, only men! That happened again when I came here. One guy approached me but I ran away again. My flatmate stopped talking to me because I wasn't like her - a party animal - and I didn't have a boyfriend. I live two years in this country and I have met about 10 people but I ended up alone. Sometimes I talk with some friends from my country on the net but I am trying to avoid it because we always end up talking about the same things. I am bored with my life, it is very hard for me to concentrate on my studies, I get bad grades and I am afraid that I would not be able to get a job. I spend most of my time home thinking stupid things like how it would be like if I was a normal person, have friends, bf, good job etc. Lately I am drinking a lot, I know it is not good but it helps me dream my normal life.