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Posted by tina at April 21, 2011
Tags: 2011 April  Attitude  Meaninglessness  Society

I am 25 years old and still I don't know what's the point of living. I suffer from depression since I was a child. The reason is that there are many problems within my family and I could understand them from an early age. I always wanted to die or run away from my home. Even though I had though many times to commit suicide I gave up in the end because I was afraid what will happen if I survive... so I had to find a way to leave home. I never was a good student but I tried my best to enter a good university and few months before finishing my studies I had a job. But for my father I was a useless human being. I started thinking again about leaving home and one way to do this was to continue my studies abroad, so I tried my best to save as much money as possible because I didn't want to depend on my parents any more. Finally after two years I got accepted in a master program in another country and I was really happy for that (after that I was still useless). For the first time I had dreams for my new life. I would be able to live in a beautiful country and wanted to get a job there so as to never go back. Maybe the problem is that I am taking things too seriously. Since I came here I saw that everyone just wanted to go to parties, have sex etc. I like to have good time too but I think that I am too old for doing all the things that others do. So I ended up again depressed mainly because I there is no one to talk to. I never had many friends because of my shyness. All the friends I had at school were the freaks, weirdos, fat and ugly. Most of them had problems within their families like me and I liked to discuss with them and give advices. But after some time I realized that some of them copied something I did (in behavior, expressions etc). I don't find myself any special. I don't like people who follow the crowd and do not have their own opinion about something. So I started not to come too close to others and just say a hi every now and then with some of them. I never had boyfriend. two guys tried to come closer to me but I ran away. I don't know why but I am a bit afraid of having a boyfriend. Some people say that I am a lesbian without knowing me but I like men, only men! That happened again when I came here. One guy approached me but I ran away again. My flatmate stopped talking to me because I wasn't like her - a party animal - and I didn't have a boyfriend. I live two years in this country and I have met about 10 people but I ended up alone. Sometimes I talk with some friends from my country on the net but I am trying to avoid it because we always end up talking about the same things. I am bored with my life, it is very hard for me to concentrate on my studies, I get bad grades and I am afraid that I would not be able to get a job. I spend most of my time home thinking stupid things like how it would be like if I was a normal person, have friends, bf, good job etc. Lately I am drinking a lot, I know it is not good but it helps me dream my normal life.


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New Comment

By anonymous at 30,Apr,11 08:34

You're at a tough age. All you can do is be true to yourself and find like minded people. You did a great thing, being able to study in another country and get away from the toxic home element so now focus on taking advantage of it. If you're not ready to be in romantic relationships or sexual relationships with men, then you're not. It's no one else's business but yours. Just study hard, work to develop some close friendships with people, and focus on what your future career will be. And if you have not already, meet with a psychologist and talk with them about your depression. Chances are you can easily remedy some of those emotions by taking the birth control pill, which helps even out hormones. Or you can also start running and taking vitamins and making some changes to your diet, which can naturally help even out hormonal imbalances.

By at 30,Apr,11 09:12

Dear Tina,

I read your story. Life does suck at times...but not you, you don't suck. You have a beautiful soul inside you and believe it or not that makes you different from many many others and at times might even make you feel lonely as it sets you apart from the crowds.

I might not know much about you, but what the choices you made, the actions you took, and your pursuit to become independent and secure a better future and even travel abroad to achieve it does tell me a lot.

You mentioned that you don't feel special. You are very wrong. Very. You are special. You have a good heart, great ambition and the determination to achieve it. You might be running through a tough time now, but that's not the end of the story. It's just a small speed bump and you'll soon leave it behind and go on your way.

I'm not going to tell you don't be depressed, because I get depressed myself and I'm not even in my best as I'm writing to you now. Its ok to be depressed, everyone does. But I only tell you "Keep the hope". Things will change, believe me. Change is the only constant thing in life. Whether good or bad, things will surely change.

One small piece of advice,and I believe you'd agree with me, is to stay off the alcohol. A foggy mind won't help you much
And don't worry about the boyfriend either. You don't need someone to take advantage of you in a weak stage.

Now, you need to focus on Tina. Appreciate Tina. Love Tina.
Now is time to decide what YOU want and go get it. Make it happen. Now is "Tina's Time"



By anonymous at 02,May,11 17:59

Tina, I think you are a wonderful person. You are a genuine person, and sometimes people are shallow and do not know what to think of people that aren't. The phrase "turbulent twenties" isn't coined that way for no reason. This is a very tough time, as I know because I'm in my twenties as well. But try to take advantage of this new country you are living in, because while the people might be party animals and all, you will learn new things and have interesting experiences you probably would not have back in your home country. Just study hard to get good grades, and explore the new country for yourself. You deserve to enjoy yourself. Best of luck to you and your future! :)

By at 03,May,11 13:40

I'm curious, if you'd share, what is your home country and what is the country you studied in?

By anonymous at 15,May,11 11:58

Hey just focus on your studies, youve traveled to a different country and stuff so you're working on your career, dont let depression get in the way of that. Also you dont need to worry aobut guys right now it is not important at your age.. im assuming youve moved to a western country because only here people think about sex all the time and women want to party all the time, remember that you do not need to fit in, just be comfortable with yourself.. focus on your studies, and save yourself for some nice guy you'll meet in a few years when youre ready

By tina at 24,May,11 17:57

Thank you for your kind words and advices. I feel much better when I read them :)
I have talked to a psychologist two times in my life (both times my mother wanted me to). The first time I was around 14 and when my father found that out he shouted at me and my mother so I stopped that. The second time was 3 years ago, I had problems at home and in my job and I was desperate. I visited the psychologist few times but it was expensive and it didn't help me that much so I stopped that too.
I feel like I have achieved my goals (leaving home ...) and have nothing else to do. I am in a "now what?" phase. I am trying to set new goals but both my mind and body are unwilling to go on. I am crawling when I have to do something. Hope that it will be over soon...

@Leon: both countries are in Europe

By Murad at 10,Dec,15 17:36

oh my word servo is gorgeous! Im so happy he found a home. I have awayls wanted a Siberian Husky. If i could i would adopt all dogs from the shelter. Looking at him brings tears to my eyes.

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