When i was a younger, i was dad's little girl and my brother and cousins who are 6-9 yrs older, never liked to hang out with me and i was left alone most of the times, with no friends during holidays. I made friends like everyone as i grow up but never had good ones i can trust. When i was 11 my brother went abroad for further studies and my cousins were all busy with their own lives. At high schools, there were only girls and it was difficult to live with them. The only things they were good at were to judge everything and everyone and talk behind everyone's back. I was disgusted and felt lonelier because my thoughts couldn't meet theirs. I couldn't even share what i had to my mother since her priority was to find money to send to my brother. When i was 14, we went for family camping for celebrating birthdays and every relative was present. It was an afternoon, 3 of my cousins joined me in a room and we started talking and teasing one another when two of them moved out. I was alone with my cousin, Nick, playing cards, singing, punching each other when my father came in the room, and he saw me embracing Nick. We didn't expect dad would come in because it was youngster's area and we were surprised because my cousin left his cigarettes on the bed and no elder knew he was a smoker. He grabbed them and moved out of the room. My dad looked at me with a different stare and didn't say anything. It was the last day for camping and we packed and on the way home, he told mum what happened. I was not even listening because it was not important to me, then he started yelling, saying that i was a whore, that he saw me with my hands on his pants and his on mine and i was not expecting those descriptions he used. I admitted that i was trying to snatch cards from his hands but never to have those views because he was considered as a brother to me. I cried for hours and for the following days, dad kept groaning and i kept on defending myself..the person i loved most treated me of being a bitch and i could not understand what happened. My mother said nothing and she thought i was lying too. I was more than being alone...I was torn apart completely and i stopped thinking. A week later, I called a guy home, a guy i knew him only by texts and whose name i still can't remember...and I lost my virginity. I didn't care about anything that time, i was tired..and a year later, my brother was back to homeland and he was always out with his friends. I met with my first boyfriend at 16, we became friends for a year and we dated for another year and a half. The only person i could trust...The only person i could share my feelings and though he was a lier at the beginning I forgave him. I was in a fairytale. At that time, My brother was dating a girl, a girl who hated my family, who hated my boyfriend and who wanted to marry my brother when my mother was not agreeing for this wedding. So she told my family that i was not with the right guy and they all came to me, i became the black sheep, the primary 'issue'. They called at my boy friend's place and threatened him and he became aggressive towards everyone and everyone hated him. My brother finally got married and i was transparent for all of them. Weeks later, I learnt i was pregnant and my boy friend and I were really happy and we decided to keep it for us. We were never sure if its true, it remained unbelievable and 3months later, I had a dispute with him and i was bleeding. So i told mum. The following day, my parents took me to a gynecologist and she said that the baby was fine. It was already so cute when he appeared on the screen. He was 14 and a half week old but my parents could not accept that fact. I was awaiting for my entry at the university and I was not working and my parents said they'll marry me.But i didn't want to get married and i had no rights for other arguments. My parents said they will not help me and my kid financially for his upbringing and their reputation was at risk. I'll be thrown out of the house and here, u cannot get a job unless u have a degree and my boyfriend too didn't have enough money. i kept calling my boy friend and left him messages and i needed him but he never replied. On that day itself, they took my phone away, all my stuffs home and left me at a hospital alone for a night. I could not cry. I was again alone in a room and there was nothing I could do. Again, I stopped thinking. It was a Saturday and the following morning, they couldn't do a general anesthesia but a peridural because i asked for a small sandwich during the night. I saw every moment of the operation, I felt everything. After a few hours, i woke up, and...it was empty..i was empty...a complete void inside me...i was more than broken..for the following week i stayed in bed because i could not move and i could not cry. My neck and head were paining hard and my whole body was weak. 2 weeks later i joined university and never again i contacted my boy friend. He once came home and when i saw him through the window, i slipped under my bed and i was trembling. I didn't know what to tell him..i was guilty...and i hated myself and still does. I am finally graduated and unemployed for almost a year now. I had many boy friends during my university life but none was the right one..I was thinking of meeting with my ex and tell him everything but our friend in common told me it was a bad idea to contact him again and to let him with his troubles. He was always in trouble. Every night during the four years that followed, there're tears and I can't find happiness anymore even i tried and I am scared.