Stumbling across this site has led me to believe that I need to vent. Not just to post how I feel, but for myself to have some better understanding of whats going on inside my head.
Don't get me wrong, my childhood was fine. Sure my father wasn't there most of the time, but he needed to support the family, and I can't blame him for who I've become.
I'm a 22 year old guy who has just dropped out of college for the second time. I'm gay.....but i've never told anyone, and I have no honest plans to. I'm in financial trouble because I fear everything that involves stepping up to the plate and solving my problems.....and I just want to know why.
I'm a smart guy, gifted really....but what does that matter when your mind won't let you succeed. I was a single semester away from graduating my diploma program, and just stopped going. I never quit.....I just never went back. Time and time again they would call me, looking for answers, to know some idea of what was going on, and I just wouldn't answer the phone. Dealing with problems isn't really what I do best. Because I didn't do this, every day I continue to get billed for a private school in which i'm not attending......and to this day its still an issue I haven't settled.
I consistently lie about my life, I guess I can throw that one down to being gay. Even though i'm sure through time my parents and friends would accept me, i can't accept it myself. I've never loved a man before, and I don't believe I ever will.....but I can't love a woman. Trust me, i've tried. I had a serious girlfriend for the last 4 months, and very few guys can say this, but I kept faking it until it stopped working. Can't love a man, but can't have sex with a woman......alone forever?
I have dreams to be somebody someday. There hasn't been a night in the last 5 years when I haven't gone to bed thinking about my future, what I was going to become. I feel like I have something to live up to, and now at 22 a repeat college dropout living in my parents basement, thousands of dollars in debt from all directions, sexually confused, and no idea where my life is heading......for the first time in my life i'm beginning to wonder if its really worth it to keep going. It seems like such a dead end for me.
The time between quitting school and moving home, I worked at a fast food resturant, and started smoking pot every day. I know pot is far from a harmful drug, but it definitely causes you to lose sight of what is important in your life. I was stoned every minute for the last 3 months......and it made everything so much worse. I don't know how I'm going to learn to deal with these problems, but they're eating me up inside. I just want to feel normal again, like I have a purpose, a reason to live......and right now I don't, and its scary.