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Posted by daring2defy at April 29, 2011
Tags: 2011 April  Drugs  Money  Sexuality

Stumbling across this site has led me to believe that I need to vent. Not just to post how I feel, but for myself to have some better understanding of whats going on inside my head.

Don't get me wrong, my childhood was fine. Sure my father wasn't there most of the time, but he needed to support the family, and I can't blame him for who I've become.

I'm a 22 year old guy who has just dropped out of college for the second time. I'm gay.....but i've never told anyone, and I have no honest plans to. I'm in financial trouble because I fear everything that involves stepping up to the plate and solving my problems.....and I just want to know why.

I'm a smart guy, gifted really....but what does that matter when your mind won't let you succeed. I was a single semester away from graduating my diploma program, and just stopped going. I never quit.....I just never went back. Time and time again they would call me, looking for answers, to know some idea of what was going on, and I just wouldn't answer the phone. Dealing with problems isn't really what I do best. Because I didn't do this, every day I continue to get billed for a private school in which i'm not attending......and to this day its still an issue I haven't settled.

I consistently lie about my life, I guess I can throw that one down to being gay. Even though i'm sure through time my parents and friends would accept me, i can't accept it myself. I've never loved a man before, and I don't believe I ever will.....but I can't love a woman. Trust me, i've tried. I had a serious girlfriend for the last 4 months, and very few guys can say this, but I kept faking it until it stopped working. Can't love a man, but can't have sex with a woman......alone forever?

I have dreams to be somebody someday. There hasn't been a night in the last 5 years when I haven't gone to bed thinking about my future, what I was going to become. I feel like I have something to live up to, and now at 22 a repeat college dropout living in my parents basement, thousands of dollars in debt from all directions, sexually confused, and no idea where my life is heading......for the first time in my life i'm beginning to wonder if its really worth it to keep going. It seems like such a dead end for me.

The time between quitting school and moving home, I worked at a fast food resturant, and started smoking pot every day. I know pot is far from a harmful drug, but it definitely causes you to lose sight of what is important in your life. I was stoned every minute for the last 3 months......and it made everything so much worse. I don't know how I'm going to learn to deal with these problems, but they're eating me up inside. I just want to feel normal again, like I have a purpose, a reason to live......and right now I don't, and its scary.


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Comments:
By at 06,May,11 00:04

Man, you've got to get back into school. Don't worry about the sexual part. I'm a 25 year old straight male, and I've yet to have sex or find someone worth being with. I think about being alone all the time, but that's not something you can do anything about now, but school is.

I went on a medical leave from school for about two and a half years, so it's taking me seven years to finish my four-year education. But if I don't fail my courses this semester, I'll be finished by the middle of May. It's been hard because I suffer from serious headaches and forms of depression, but I've set goals for myself so I can go elsewhere and travel. I am actually sure if you left where you are you might be able to find some men who might be better fits for you, abroad maybe.

The point is that you can't give up and you have to set goals for yourself. The college debt will always be there, and I have about 100k in it myself. But at least do something with your life instead of worrying that you can't. Take it one step at a time, give up the things you don't need in your world, and focus on all those things that are truly important to you.


By at 06,May,11 00:08

Of all the places I've been to, the best place in which to be openly gay is Stockholm, Sweden. I've actually been doing a lot of work with the university feminists, so there's a lot of people who support gay rights and work for them.


By anonymous at 06,May,11 05:16

Dude you are only 22. Fucking A. Yes it is very difficult and without acceptance of yourself you will continue to struggle but really in today's age being GAY is nothing to be so down about. Figure that is it OK to be you and you have 40-60 more years left to accept yourself, find people whom accept you and find love. 70% of the population never remains in the career they first go to school for so, although debt suck, stop being a lazy ass and avoid things, and just take a step forward, any step at all.
By anonymous at 06,May,11 12:30

I agree with this but can I add a comment as a woman? Please don't fuck up any other women's life or waste their time simply because you're too afraid to let the world know you are gay. It isn't fair to be with a girl and "fake it" just so you can keep living this lie. You are hurting these girls, and that's not right. So if you aren't ready to come out of the closet just do us ladies a favor and just be alone, OK!


By anonymous at 07,May,11 00:33

stupid as this may seem but i am an older person with kids you age and realluy need to let you know you need to go with the feelings you have now. I married the man I thought would be the person that would make me happy and I felt I could make him happy he was 24 when we had our first child and 26 when we had our 2nd and got married I thought we had a great life together and we did but he was never happy even after 4 kids and a 25 year marriage. He wanted some one else so you can never say life will be great and gay or not gay if you are not honest with yourself you hurt everyone arouhnd you that is what is happening in our life. He is 50 and feel he has never loved me and has a whole in his life he need to fill I know I am the best thing for him but he cant see that because he feels trapped in what he thinks is a life timne of lies.l Dont let that hapen to you It can hurt so much and you deserve more and so do your parents. Be honest with yourself and it willl set you free


By anonymous at 07,May,11 19:02

You're a young 22 year old man who I can tell is gifted like you said. There's nothing wrong with being gay or being with a woman while your gay asthat is quite common. All you should do is focus on yourself andfollow your heart. I know it sounds cliche but you are bright so use that to your advantage. Hope this helps and do what is right for you, no one else.


By anonymous at 07,May,11 23:44

I HATE LIFE


By anonymous at 08,May,11 19:20

The fuck is wrong with you faggot!? It's not ok to be gay It's an abomination to God and you will surely go to hell along with the people who think it is ok to be gay. How can you not like a beautiful woman with a nice rack and body. You seriously smokin crack. Cracked out queer.
By at 08,May,11 22:46

okkkkkk.. i think we can all agree that was maximnum rage right there and umm just soo you no hes not the queer here.....your are LOL! not he guy who wrote the story but the guy who wrote the comment.
By anonymous at 08,May,11 22:47 Fold Up

shut up you anoying butt fuckand read my words ITS OK TO BE GAY and dont be so jugementle.
By anonymous at 05,Jun,11 05:27 Fold Up

The god of which religion????
no matter what religion you follow, you are essentially placing your religion on a roulette wheel and hoping you are right.
There have been religions since the beginning of time because people are too retarded to take responsibility for there own lives.

You obviously can't see things from the female perspective, what makes women attracted to men and not women if everyone should be turned on by a chick with a nice rack???

So you can keep following your life by a book that says you should only have sex after marriage for procreation purposes only, and I'll keep doing my thing.
By anonymous at 16,Jun,11 22:58 Fold Up

Yeah, I know your gay and being mad at homosexuals it's not going to male you straight. Embrace your sexuality and come out of the closet. Or perhaps you just can't get it up, maybe it's up but it's so small that you can't even see it


By anonymous at 08,May,11 22:38

ok dude.. your only what 22 dont care what any one ells thinks just go and do what you want to do, do somthing that involves your favorite things to do in life, and theres sombody for everybody ok it dont matter if your gay strait or what eva.


By anonymous at 09,May,11 00:17

Hey just learn to stand up okay darling? Dun be sad or beaten down. Everyone has got a will to learn to stand up. I can, and i believe u can do it too. GOOD LUCK AND MAY GOD BLESS U!


By anonymous at 07,Jul,11 15:45

I know just what you are gong through, I have been there until I accepted that I'm gay. Still don't have a boy friend but I hope I will someday....barrybdlinc@yahoo.com


By Lissa at 20,May,16 10:04

At last, sonoeme who comes to the heart of it all


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