LIFE SUCKS

life is... eh.

My life has always been a little miserable. Moments of happiness intermingled with this ever-present feeling of not being good enough, not being the one anyone wanted, the last one to be called, the first one to go home. I always felt like I never mattered as much as my sibling; anything the sib does is magical, and no matter what I do, I'm always second.

Never really had guys who were interested in me, I guess unless you count creeps who like kids, but that's another story altogether. Needless to say, that incident had its affect on how I related to people. I got over it and went on, sure, but I think I'm just tired of "getting over it." Is it really so much to ask for a year WITHOUT a catastrophe? People around me seem to die constantly. My family is very small now.

I finally met a guy who really did seem to care about me. We wanted to have kids together, get a house, all that -- finally, life started to seem like maybe it would all turn out okay. Then, he died, too.

So... I'm getting older, time is going by, and I don't see possibility anymore. My sibling has a great job, a great car, great friends, an active social life, and what do I have? I don't have anyone I could call and hang out with -- not really. There are plenty of people who say "If you want to hang out, call," but they're conveniently always otherwise occupied when I do, so I just sorta stopped bothering. I think people say things like that to feel better -- they can look in the mirror and say "Hey, I said a nice thing, and went out of my way, I'm a good person," but they don't really mean what they say.

I think I probably hit my peak years ago, and the rest of this is just filler until I get to the end of the line. I think a lot about taking a short cut and just getting out of here. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if maybe THAT'S the point. It seems like all roads are leading me there. No matter what I do, that seems to be the conclusion. Like any other American, though, I've grown up believing that suicide is wrong. I worry that if I try it and fail, I'll end up a vegetable, and that would be worse than where I am now. But I feel stuck; I wake up everyday wishing I hadn't, steps I take to try to improve my life end in nil, I always end up right back here.

A job would be really helpful right now, but I can't seem to find one. No matter how many times and places I apply, I'm never the right one. If I had a job, I could do so much; I'd have something at least partially worthwhile to do during the day, I'd have more financial freedom, more options. I could save up for the things I really want to do, instead of just dream about them.

Someone to talk to would be wonderful, too. Someone who genuinely cared and wanted to listen. Someone who could say something besides, "Don't worry, be happy" -- hey, sometimes in life, we AREN'T happy. Sometimes LIFE SUCKS.

There are so many people around me who are younger than me, who are successful, have spouses and growing families. I don't feel like I have anything to show for my time on this planet. The people I do have around me don't really care about my feelings. For some reason "[I] make [them] feel like" it's totally okay to yell at me, or be disrespectful to me. If I ask questions the wrong way, I get griping and a lecture. I can't seem to do anything right for anyone. Not even myself.

I do have my dog, and I think if my dog hadn't been around, I'd probably have worked up the courage to at least TRY getting out of here. I can't explain to my dog, though, why I'm gone, or going. He doesn't speak English, and he wouldn't understand or be able to read a note that said "You were my only friend, and I love you."

I've danced along this highway before, sure. I think about dying alot, and I just want to get out. I feel like a trapped animal about to resort to chewing off my foot. I've tried to plan methods, but honestly, my extreme rate of failure at everything I do in life terrifies me -- if I try to "catch the bus" (as they say) and fail at it, what then? I can't even count on myself to get myself out of here. That's pretty lame, really.

So... life sucks because it simply does. It's an exercise in futility.