LIFE SUCKS

Relationships Suck

I am 50 and i feel i am never going to be happy. I have been in several long term relationships. The longest one lasted 9 years and she was an angry control freak who blew up at least twice a week and caused a fight. It took me 5 years to finally get my soul free of her although we are still FRIENDS we cannot be together for more then a few hours, we are like chalk and cheese anymore.

Last year i got into a relationship with the most fabulous woman. She gave me all the sex i had wanted, was very affectionate and not critical of me hardly at all. For several months it was sheer bliss - no red flags at all. She had 3 kids and we decided to move in together for financial reasons - why not? Everything had gone as smooth as a relationship could have gone up til then. Then we moved in. The kids were good kids but they drove me crazy (she admitted they did the same thing to her too). There was no privacy and all three kids always needed something (17, 15, and 11, girl boy girl.). I felt trapped and smothered, nothing in my life had prepared me for this. I have a stressful job with long hours and i was mentally unable to deal with both situations without starting drinking again or running away or something.

There was NO discipline, the house was a pig-sty most of the time and getting these kids to do chores was like pulling teeth. So i wound up doing A LOT of things i did not want to do. She never had a steady job for long, i didn't make nearly enough, and there were always money issues that i could do almost nothing to help.

Finally i told her i had to get out. She cried but there was nothing either of us could do - smothered is smothered after all. Problem, we had signed a year lease and it was 3 months into it. Finally she told me to leave (i don't know how she made the rent) and i moved out in like 3 days. I regret because she was the sweetest, kindest, most giving woman i ever met and i have spent the last year trying to replace her.

So now here's the problem. dating at 50 really sucks. Especially Internet dating at 50 really sucks. I feel empty because i don't have an S.O. so i send out maybe 50 emails to women on these sites and get 1 reply. Of those replys 1 out of 10 leads to an actual date. Of those actual dates all the women were either too boring, or i could not relate to them, or too busy and only thought they wanted to date but in reality their actions showed they really didn't and were just in denial.

So i'm starting to think i'm going to just die alone. I am 50 frikken' years old, like i said, which means i have maybe 20-30 years left at the very most before i croak, because i have diabetes and hypertension which takes a 5 years or a decade off your life anyway.

And i am becoming convinced that i will never meet Ms right after all this time. Dating is so frustrating i have been at the point of giving up several times because i am bored shitless with it. I take periodic breaks and then come back but soon become bored again. Internet dating is almost as bad as looking for a job, if i didn't have my job i'd have to do myself in because i would have NOTHING.

Some days i get really depressed and i am an irritable, downbeat, angry/sad person. My mood is bad 80% of the time and i take enough prescription drugs to get full. If it wasn't for those i'd feel even worse. The idea of dying is really starting to appeal to me. BUT i just quit smoking because i was getting chest pains and cough - i didn't quit to save my life - i quit smoking because i DO NOT WANT to DIE SLOW!

A lot of times i think having a good solid heart attack would be absolutely fine by me. Anytime would be fine, tonight, tomorow, next week, even right this minute. To be done with it all. I concluded a long time ago life's probably not worth living.