i'm an 18 year old girl. i have a crappy minimum wage job, and i live with my asshole father. i'm currently in a program that helps me attain a high school diploma through computer courses, but it takes a very, very long time. i feel so lonely.
i've never had a boyfriend. i've never even been kissed. though guys do find me desirable, they're only ones i don't feel the same way about. i take antidepressants and they help, but when i miss a dose (sometimes i miss weeks worth due to lack of the ability to refill my prescription) i experience terrible withdrawal symptoms and feel as if i could die. but what i hate the most is the fact that i have to rely on taking pills every day just to feel happy. i hate the idea of relying on drugs to feel what normal people should be able to feel.
i just wish i didn't always feel so alone and hopeless. my friends claim to miss me and love me, but they always blow me off. i'm always taken advantage of. because i'm such a good friend, my friends think "oh, she knows i care about her". and only talk to me when things go bad for them and they need a shoulder to cry on.
even as i type this, i'm ashamed of how utterly pathetic and full of self-pity and despicable i sound. i hate being just a worthless sad-sack crybaby all the time, but i can't help it.
i just wish i had someone to talk to when i'm alone in my room, lying in bed or sleeping. i wish someone would show up to my house and tell me everything will be okay, and spend time with me, not because they feel obligated or sorry for me, but because they want to. i wish i had someone to make me feel important and special and pretty and loved. at least a distraction. something to divert my attention away from my sad, sorry, pathetic attitude and make me forget about it for a while. i don't want to be alone. because i sit and think and ponder all of the things that make me sad and i can't bear it. | |
That said, the guys who want to date u but u dont want, do u feel like u have high expectations, a good bf(even if not physically appealing) or even a good homosexual friend would help you to cope with emotions.
staying around the house is only going to make you feel worse about the situation. You don't even need to know anyone or have friends at first. Just start looking for activities that force you to be around other people.
I spent two years after high school doing absolutely nothing and becoming a social pariah. My situation was actually a lot like yours (and most people that write stories on these sites). I became depressed and slept all day. I would wake up at 2 in the afternoon and stay up till 5 a.m. for over a year. At this point I felt like I would never overcome this, and it felt nearly impossible to even get out of bed. But eventually I felt like I'd fucked off enough and finally started forcing myself to get my shit together. Honestly Sadie, you gotta start taking small steps. One thing at a time and make goals based off of them (Write them down and track your progress!). If my anti-social ass could climb out of that rut and force myself to change my life I guarantee you can too. You just gotta stick with it and keep taking small steps.
You sound like you're a great girl Sadie and I know you have got some serious obstacles in your path but I know you can overcome all of that because I did too. That guy you want is out there and so is that life and it's not as far away as you think. Just start taking those steps.
Good luck and please don't give up.
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