I am a 26 year old that had everything I could want and threw it away with one stupid choice. I married the man of my dreams four years ago and we had a great relationship. I had a great career as a nurse in the operating room. We travelled, went out frequently, had disposable income, great sex, etc. I also was active and worked out by running, dancing, doing pilates, and yoga which kept me in great physical shape. I never really had a desire to have children because there were many things that I thought I could do instead. I became a tad bit bored with life as it had become routine, and had been under intense pressure for years by family, friends, and co-workers to have a child. I began to doubt myself and think that maybe I wanted a child and that this final "missing piece" would fill in life completely and it would be a great addition to my family with my husband.
I had the baby and everything came crumbling down. First, when I gave birth to my baby I found out that I have crappy pelvic connective tissue. What does this mean? It means that my uterus, small intestine, and large intestine prolapsed down and tried to fall out of my vagina. It was horrible, my insides felt like they were constantly going to fall out (like beind slowly eviscerated everytime I stood up or did anything but lay down). I constantly felt discomfort and pressure like I was falling apart. Due to this condition I couldn't be active and work-out, poop, have sex without pain, and work as a nurse due to lifting restrictions and standing restrictions. I had to wait five months to have the surgery, and I had it three months ago. I can poop now, but I still feel like my insides want to fall out and I can't be active because of this discomfort. The doctors basically told me I am as fixed as they can get me, and maybe someday the feelings of falling out will go away (depending). How can I spend the rest of my life feeling like my guts are falling out of my vagina?!! Oh yeah, and sex still hurts too. I am also on lifelong restrictions from the surgery and I cannot lift more than 30lbs, run, work in the operating room anymore, and do many of the work outs I used to love. I am out of shape now.
Secondly, turns out I was right when I thought I didn't want to have a child, and the pressure to have one from society in general was a load of crap. I HATE being a mom, it does not fit me. I respect my baby, but don't want to raise him. I cannot stand the boredom. I feel like a caged animal. I want to give my 8 month old up for adoption, but I feel trapped because my family and husband would hate me for this. I want him to have a family that actually wants him. It would be fairer to both of us. My marraige took a major hit because now we don't have the free time and money we did before. We also have huge medical bills from my surgery, physical therapy, therapist, etc related to my recent health problem.
I wish I was dead, but every time I go about attempting suicide my husband stops me. I listen to him because I love and want to be with him too, but I don't think he will accept that things will just never be the same again unfortunately. I cannot believe that I screwed up my great life, beautiful body, and youth to have some child that I don't even want because I was pressured into it. I had no idea that having a baby could be so devastating and horrible. When will this nightmare end?!