LIFE SUCKS

when will i be free of the past?

i know that there are so many people who can relate to our stories.. and i want to thank people in advance for reading this, and for making me feel less alone. there's turmoil in everybody's life.. this is just one of those times for me where you feel like a tornado ran through and you're just so empty inside that there's nothing but pain...

i'm twenty five years old now. my parents almost divorced when i was little. a lot of the time i wish they had. unlike other families, my sibling and i weren't protected from their battles. as an eleven year old child, i had no idea how to deal with anything, and emotionally, i was a wreck. i felt that no one loved me, that the fighting was all my fault. its where all my insecurities started, and where they stem from today. i had no friends in school or high school. i went to the library because i had nobody to sit with during lunch. i had nothing and nobody, either at home or at school. i struggled with atypical depression: i put on tons of weight, my grades started to drop, and i was suicidal. somehow, i was able to pull things together, at least on the outside. i believed in a brigher tomorrow. my family came back together, and i applied for and was accepted into some very competitive colleges because of the changes i made.

but i never really got over anything. i felt unworthy in college, and without a support system, i felt myself sink down into depression again. my grades fell, and i flunked out of the program i was in. my sibling was abused, and raped. i was diagnosed with cancer. i'm still overweight, and while random guys do hit on me, no guy's ever even asked me out. thanks to my parents and the things that happened to my sibling, i'm too terrified of a relationship to let myself try. i'm terrified of letting someone love me, or of loving myself. i'm in love with my best friend. he has no idea, but i can't see a future where things would work out for us, because of all the mistakes and things that have happened in my life.

today, like i did back in high school, i tried to make changes again, to really move on academically and emotionally. why does my past haunt me? all i'm asking for is a second chance.

i want the humiliation of living to end. please, somebody, tell me that things will get better?