There are people in the world who have no water, no food. There are people in violent countries that have watched their entire families killed in front of them. Some are missing limbs that make them have to rely on others. In America alone, within the past month, thousands of people were killed by natural disasters and watched everything they had taken away from them. I am not one of those people. I have a home that is basically intact. I have a secure job, I guess (my attitude about is is getting so bad it may not be secure for long). I dont have a husband or children, and I really am missing the husband thing, but I hear that's not what it is cracked up to be. At any rate, my mom and dad are still alive and they, my brother and sister all love me very much. I have a dog who thinks the world revolves around me and a cat that acts very independednt but would be lost without me. I am mad at myself basically because I don't appreciate shit. I have tried seeking mental health but I don't know what that is going to do because they just want to put me on drugs that are more lethal than the illegal ones I am trying to quit.
Today, once again, I decided I would quit smoking pot. I have been smoking pot daily since I was nineteen- started before that but that was when I was on my own and at liberty to toke evry day. I have been smoking pot because it is the only thing that makes me numb to my lonliness. As a matter of fact, as long as I am under the influence, not only do I not care that I have few friends, I don't even want to hang out with the ones I have, even if they just want to come and smoke weed with me. If it were legal to smoke weed, I would continue to smoke. But I am trying to evaluate why I dislike life so much and the only thing I can think that I am doing wrong that I can change is everything- weed included. Sure, it gets me through day to day without entertaining as many suicidal thoughts as I would without but here I am 15 years after embracing it as a daily habit and I am not even as happy as I was when I started. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I know one thing that has been consistent with me is my affinity to grass, maybe it is the one thing stopping me. I can think of concrete examples where it has altered the course of my life- for instance, I could not accept a few positions I was offered in the past because I did not want to take their silly drug test. This was more of a values call than anything, after all, I could have scrambled to the head shop and got some urine cleanse, but I chose to continue to smoke weed rather than take the job. One of those I was offered back in 1996 I feel could have lead to a completely different life. I ended up recommending it to my drug-free friend, she got it, met her husband, travels around the country with him, has a daughter and stays at home while he supports her. I have never heard her say, "I feel sad" since that fateful day when I said, "Hey, I just got offered a great job, but I can't take it because of the drug test so go try for it." I basically set her on the path to personal success as I continued to look through the classifieds for something that was not going to analyze my urine. I have never worked aanywhere since then that I have even remotely enjoyed. I don't blame the pot, I blame the arbitrary laws against it, but they are there and don't seem like they will go away in my lifetime. So I have decided once again to give this drug free thing a go. Maybe life will be different. I know it will be a slow process and I am not big on patience, so I anticipate failure and me making dealer calls within a week, but it does not hurt to try. Who knows? I just know I haven't smoked weed today and all of a sudden I have to find meaning and purpose instead of just settling for the way things are and appreciating the ability to at leas get stoned at the end of the day.
I cannot stand my job. I work in a school offering financial aid to college students. This sounds like a meaningful job, right? I am sure it is, but I am stuck on the negative part of it. That's all I can focus on. I cannot see things like I am enabling the next nurse who may help save my rotten life to get their education, or helping that single mother who wants to make a better life for her kids.....no, I take one thing home with me- the abusers of the system. And they are there. People getting full grants and other financial aid to go to college and finishing with terrible grades. They are paid to go to school, with what? My tax dollars- and believe me, I pay them- just finished paying the IRS for 2011. Had to sacrifice groceries and basic things to pay taxes for things like some of these students. They drop or fail all their classes after getting paid thousands to attend, and then they bitch and whine about being cut off. And I have to be tactful with them. I have been doing it for two years and I hate it. Cannot stand it. It exposed me to how stupid the social welfare system is. It pays people to be lazy and the system itself is so lazy it won't even bother to practice discretion to weed out all the deadbeats who latch on to it. I met with a woman who got 14K in disability a year for some disease she told me she had that kept her from working. She looked healthy as hell to me. Now she wanted to come and get her Pell Grant and subsidized student loan. Why? She's so disabled she cannot work at all but we needd to give her a Pell Grant to get an education for a better job? Why? She doesn't want to work. I decided to feign interest in how one becomes disabled and therefor never has to work again and she explained to me how to cheat the system and make as much as I make working two jobs between disability, school grants and other assistance programs. Very nice. Thanks bitch, I am living in a house with broken windows because I can't afford to get them replaced because I am so busy paying the IRS so you can sit on your ass all day. I see about 10 people a day in this type of predctament with no bones about it whatsoever- just want the extra money. And I give it to them.
Next problem, my boyfriend. Boy oh boy, how he is a piece of work. We have been togther for 6 years now. The first six months of that, he demonstrated some potential. The past 5 1/2 years is an attestement to my low self esteem as to why I am still with him. He has no drive, no ambition and no financial management skills. There is absolutely no future with him whatsoever. He still lives with his parents, it is that bad. He wanted to schmooze on over into my abode, but at least I had the good sense to tell him that he cannot until he starts showing more financial responsibility. He promised he would- 5 1/2 years ago. He has a DWI and has to drive around with an intoxalant on his car. His license was suspneded. He can get it back if he pays some fines, but he is much more interested in spending his money on things like $100 sunglasses. He will just drive around illegally. He makes more money than me, has very few bills, and yet has no savings at all. He drinks daily and because he has been in my life so long, I have started drinking daily. I was just a pothead before I dated him, not an alcoholic too. He sees me struggle with bills daily and has no gumption to think of how he could redirect his life and help me- and let me help him. I have witheld sex for two years and still nothing from him. I want to break up with him so bad but he is my last friend. But it sort of fits into how I am viwing weed now- something I have been doing for a long time that has not seemed to get me anywhere, just help me deal with the day to day. I am going to break up with him soon but I need a fall back cushion. I feel like I could find someone else but for my weight problem.
I am 20 pounds overweight. I wear a size 10 and am gliding into a size 12. I have always been 5-10 pounds overweight, but in my late 20s, and now my thirties I am just getting fatter and fatter. And it just gets harder and harder to lose. I get into these excercise kicks where I run 2-3 miles 4-5 times a week and eat less, but I lose weight so slowly it seems like more trouble than its worth. Because my salary just covers my basic needs and bills, I cannot affor that size 12 wardrobe I need. I got a whole closet of perfectly good clthes size 6-10. None of them fit anymore. I have very few things to wear and even if I could afford it, gong out an buying a whole new wardrobe to accomodate my growing body is too depressing. So I just quit trying to look good. I wear whatever I can to work. I have quit styling my hair and wearing makeup because I just don't think I can look good no matter how I try, so what is the point. When I run errands, reluctantly, I just wear pajamas and out I go. I feel like such a troll. I want so badly to meet a man who can help me and I can help him survive this life that seems designed for couples, as being single is too financially unrealistic, but I know I will be rejected by them all. So I stay with my boyfriend that does not seem phased by the fact that I am letting gray wirey hairs grow long and stringy and quit grooming aside from what it takes to not smell bad.
Anyway, these are the reasons I feel like life sucks. This is my pity-story. I used to dream of the day when_________, but now it just seesm hopeless. SOme people were not meant to have great lives and I should be grateful mine is at least tolerable. But honestly, I feel about life the same way people feel about going to the DMV- how soon can I get the hell out of here? I am not suicidal, but I honestly do not want to go on. I am thirty five now and I am assuming I will make it to at least 60 and it just seems like one 24 hour bore after another until then.