I was diagnosed with bipolar and depression/anxiety/panic disorder at 19 before that post traumtic stress syndrome from seeing a child killed before my eyes. I was molested as a child and raped at 14. I thought life was supposed to get better. I can't work cause Ive had two major back surgeries was 115 in 1999 when i got married. Three years into the marriage and he says he doesn't want sex anymore. wth? Guys always hit on me. Tell me to leave him. I love him but he can be an ass. Love isn't just sex but god i miss it. Ive always LOVED sex and its hard not having it. been married twelve years and never cheated. but now im thinking about it. don't know if I could go through with it cause i love him. but why doesn't he want me? when I was sick with thyroid, back surgeries, cancer(before him)I was 24 when I had cervical cancer and had to have a partial hysterectomy and now i have a large mass on my left ovary and a small one on my right cant do anything about it cause he got fired from his job of 12 years and its been a year and no insurance still. He doesn't even seem to care. I NEED the insurance. I was homeless at one point. pregnant at 19. thank god or I would have never known the joys of being a mother. My daughter and I were like two peas in a pod but now her bf tells her our relationship isn't normal cause ive always been very open and honest about my life with her and not to just give herself to anyone she had feelings for to fill that daddy void cause her dad sucks. my husband is a great dad thank god again. cause her stepmom and her hate one another. SO my daughter moved out with the ass of a bf 2 hours away from me, I have masses on my ovaries I have to get surgery for and surgery for a collapsed bladder, no money for a dr or insurance for a dr, no money for pain meds, my husband seems like he'd rather smoke pot than get a real job. Its payday and we have NO MONEY! All of it gone! its been like this since he lost his job. the past two months have been the worst. no money for bills, things are being shut off, don't have anything left to sell, no money for food, been living off dollar store pasta. So sick of it but its something. I gained lots of weight when i was immobile due to surgeries and was 450 has gastric bypass and was down to 180 i was so happy now they tell me the weight gain ive been having the past six months is due to the masses on my ovaries. Im just so disappointed in life. In my daughter for leaving college, for my husband who just doesnt seem to care anymore. The only ray of sunshine is my dogs. if it weren't for them I would have killed myself long time ago. I tried once after the rape but unsuccessful. Didn't know what I was doing. I think I do now. I get so upset my depression gets so bad that I need to be hospitalized but i cant cause I don't have insurance. and the only fun i get is grocery day i get to go out of the house. my husband decided instead of another car he wanted a motorcycle when our second car died. now he fucking drives MY car all the frakking time. And Im stuck in this house with nothing to do all day. Life SUCKS big time. Wasnt it supposed to get better??? I wish i wasnt broken so I could have a good life and work. I miss working. Interacting with other people cause my husband doesn't like anyone in his CASTLE. nor does he like if i talk on the phone when he is trying to watch TV. Luckily before his insurance ended I was able to get the much needed hearing aides apparantly Im going deaf but supposed to take and genetics test to see when it will fully be gone. so I have to learn sign language(this my husband is supportive of) Im sorry I laid this all out but I have no one to vent too. I have no friends when before him i had lots. Im stuck in a going no where marriage and never see my daughter anymore. I just needed to vent oh and did i mention my teeth are all rotted out and in need of a dentist. I had work started on them before the ins. was gone but now they are getting bad cause I can't afford a dentist and the treatments now. just shoot me now.