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Broken

Posted by Tea at June 5, 2011
Tags: Childhood  Family  2011 June  Relationship  Sexuality

My life sucks, because I am incredibly alone. Its hard to go into everything painful that happened in my life. The main traumas were, my brother had anal sex with me when I was a kid, because our babysitter abused him while she locked me in my room. My mother was never all there. She was very cold and abrasive. She didn't cook or clean or read to us or do any touches to the house to make it a home. My father was an alcoholic. They had really bad fights that got loud and physical everyday. Once my father almost killed my mother. When I was 10 and 11 my mother had two more kids. She was cheating on my dad and my dad was at his worse violence and alcoholism too. They divorced and then, my father left. My mother worked nights so everyday after school, I would try to take care of my baby brother and sister. But we lived in a bad neighborhood. We were terrorized, because kids and parents alike knew we had no-one to defend us, They beat the crap out of my baby brother and sister for no reason, other than the fact we were the only white people or maybe it was just the fact we were, like I said, defenseless. I would try to chase after them but they ran away, so I tried to keep my brother and sister inside, but it was too chaotic and hard on me, because I was 13 when I started caring for them full time. The sexual abuse was already eating away at me (and the fact as a child we moved every year, so I didn't have any foundation, or friends.) On top of that we dressed poor. My mother never treated me better. She always put me down, and told me I was going to hell. It was an exceedingly difficult childhood. I met a kid that used me for sex. He got me into drugs which was somewhat of an escape but mind you I only tried a few things, most of the time I spent wishing I had drugs and smoking some pot. He was all I had, all he wanted to do was fuck me and it was terrible, he had hanging fat and stretchmarks and huge nipples, it was repulsive and he was terrible and insensitive when it came to sex. It made me cry. He always tried to have sex with me, even when I had troubles that all he wanted me for and expected it, so he would rent hotels so I would be sorta forced to. I tried to break up so many times, but he would prey upon how destitute I was and remind me of it. I did break it off eventually, but he never spoke to me again after a while, in fact he ditched me in a far off city and I had to hitchhike home. He didn't want to sit in the car and talk to me, while we were waiting for my appointment. He wanted to stand outside the car. I just wanted him to talk to me. It fucked me up for many years, because I had believed that he truly loved me, but it was all a terrible lie. His family didn't like me because I wasn't social. I got far less presents than his brothers gf every Christmas, it was very embarrassing. I didn't know or learn how to be social. Laughing and small talk didn't come easy for me. Some people would say that I ought to look people in the eyes, but if I did that, they would be the ones that felt uncomfortable. I would make people uncomfortable when they talked to me, so I never got hired anywhere. I was pressed to go to college, my mother threatened to throw me out on the street. I was always pressured to do things. I never got to live my own life. I was never free from stress. Eventually I needed to leave because my mother was abusing me psychologically and threatening to kick me out, I knew I wasn't welcome and I was afraid to be on the streets. You have to understand my mother never said anything nice to me, except once, when she thought the virgin mary told her to. She always put me down and sometimes it cut deep. I hooked up with a guy I wasn't into at all, so he could take care of me, because I have so much anxiety that I suffer from self sabotage, where .. well I will refrain from going further, its very painful to go in depth . I almost felt possessed. I didn't want to go on disability. I can't sell my abuse for money. Its not something I'm going to discuss for a check. Since I moved to another country, my little bro doesn't talk to me anymore because my mother has brainwashed him that I'm terrible cuz I "suck dick for money" and my sister hardly responds. I have no friends, Ive never had love or good sex and I feel terribly alone. The weather where I live is always rainy and cold. I feel insanely depressed and out of shape. My heart is so broke that I can't sleep at night.


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Similar Entries:
Broken! December 3, 2011
WTF May 19, 2011
I pray I won't wake up February 14, 2013
choices October 22, 2009
untitled story March 29, 2012



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Comments:
By anonymous at 02,Jul,11 16:38

Call 1-800-656-Hope. I was raped as a child. I am now an adult. I didnt realize how much that affects my life. You are not alone, I know what you are going through. Call or contact the YWCA rape crisis center.They can help for free.
By anonymous at 06,Jul,11 17:48

I don't want to get involved with the law. hes a prison guard now so he lives in prison that way.


By at 03,Jul,11 18:18

Other may find your story to be sad but all I see is your weakness. Don't you understand that you are letting your feelings determine your life instead of relying on logic. You also need to learn what pride is because you clearly poses none because if you did you would have never done the disgusting things you have.


I know its harsh but no one else is going to say it.
By anonymous at 06,Jul,11 17:32

Yes I know things would have worked out better if I was a robot. People don't understand getting fucked by your brother and have to live with him and your dysfunctional parents and keep it inside because you-- (what a joke) dont want to destroy your family is not an easy punch to roll with, neither is losing your entire childhood and teenagehood for nothing. I never got to hang out after school- ever because I had two adult's responsibility. Raising a child is hard enough for 2 parents, raising two kids when you are a kid yourself in a slum is absolute hell and it doesnt help I didnt even get money to buy clothes or get a trip to the salvation army or fuck! treated better. My mother verbally abused me everyday. After I left I had a nighmare every night of her for months and months. She was a religious freak.

Trust me if I didn't have pride I'd have wound up getting beaten and cheated on, least I found a guy who doesnt hit me or cheat.

I never prostituted myself -- or stripped for money either.

I had some pride and self respect, its hard when you have noone to talk to, its hard to decide what to do. And the guy who offered me drugs, it was an escape from alot of my past... and a very tempting snare for someone hwo has a hard time getting over the past. Im clean I dont drink take drugs or smoke. I have my bachelors degree, but I have extreem anxiety. On a scale of 1-10 I'd say it was a 10 whenever a stranger comes within a few feet or me. It makes it impossible to work and no amount of pills has made that better.
By anonymous at 06,Jul,11 17:39

and btw my big brother was my hero and my best friend till that BEAST molested him and injected her evil into him. He changed into a deplorable bastard after that. So my big brother basically DIED.
By anonymous at 06,Jul,11 17:41

And what DISGUSTING thing did I do praytell? you miserable cocksucker. Be with a dude I hated to fuck and who had a sex addiction?? My fault really that I believed he loved me and was all I had?


By at 04,Jul,11 02:19

What Asanda said was partially right. You've had it really bad and i sympathize with you, but now it's time to rise up from that cesspool. If your mom was a bitch and you want any type of revenge for the shit that has happened, then become something better than what she ever was. This can be done in a variety of ways, my preferred method would be to go to school and make something of yourself. But the important thing is that your still holding on, and i applaud you for that. Not many people could shoulder through that, and now that you have made it that far why not take it even further?
By anonymous at 06,Jul,11 17:43

I dont live for revenge, "Vengence is mine says the Lord." I have better things to do than think about my mother I don't have to try to be better than her. I have a BA, all the jobs are outsourced to China and its hard to speak the language I need to speak to get a good job where I live now because of my lousy and ugly American accent, not to mention severe anxiety.


By anonymous at 04,Jul,11 03:04

None of this is your fault. Things happen to us all the time, especially when we are young, defenseless, and unable to make wise decisions. I am sorry for everything that has happened to you. Try to find someone to talk to; church if you are religious, professional help if you have insurance or money/ or a friend that is not selfish like (what sounds like) the rest of your family. You are good. You deserve a good life. And try to remember... the past is over. It happened, but at least it's over. Take care of yourself... :)
By anonymous at 06,Jul,11 17:46

Church-no that doesn't work
Professional help-no such thing here
Friend-please. I don't identify or have anything in common with anyone, esp not in a rich European country, which is where I live now.

Thanks for the rest, though. Its just there are no solutions, I just needed to vent but it took weeks for this to post.


By Ericka at 04,Jul,11 18:47

I was rped as a child myself by my father and he was also an alcholicHim and two of his freinds raped me on my 16 birthrday. they were arrested and chrged with child molestation and rape of a minor. I pryed about and I eventually got oever it. I am now in medical school I want become a doctor. Go get theraoy or got some support group. No one judges you there. Those helped to get over the memory of wha thappened to me My aunt and uncle took me in after my father got arrested my mother was dead when this hapened but my father did not kill her. She died in car accident fro a drunk driver and that when My father changed and raped me.
By anonymous at 06,Jul,11 17:47

I cant get over my brother fucking me up the ass for years and having to act like nothing happened.


By anonymous at 07,Jul,11 15:34

Are you gay? Can you not find a gay lover that you want to be with? I would like to talk with you...barrybdlinc@yahoo.com
By at 02,Sep,11 00:18

creepy much


By anonymous at 14,Jul,11 16:20

well, if you looked up depression in the dictionary, my picture would be there. i dont want to go into details because i might run out of room


By at 13,Aug,11 04:25

Bbe I feel ur pain,u went to hell n bk.I admire that u r strong,for that I salute u.if u need to tawl am here


By at 13,Aug,11 04:25

Bbe I feel ur pain,u went to hell n bk.I admire that u r strong,for that I salute u.if u need to tawl am here


By anonymous at 14,Aug,11 22:11

God damn that's a rough story, i'm really sorry. I hope someday you find somebody that can just care about you without wanting something from you.


By anonymous at 28,Oct,11 06:03

Up the ass sounds good. I would be just like him


By at 08,Mar,12 17:12

Hi. I would just like to tell you that I think you're a amazing person, no matter what you think yourself. I may not know you personally, but the fact that you've survived what you're experienced is amazing. Take care. Love, SWC


By Air?Jordan?Fusion?4 at 26,Aug,14 22:40

In a sense . they were all invisible In today's documentary Anna Maria Tremonti brings us Helaina Hovitz's story She was a 12-year-old schoolgirl at the time of 9/11 She suffered post traumatic stress disorder throughout her teens as a result of what she saw that day Anna Maria's documentary is called The Invisible Girl It was produced by Heather Barrett It to mark ten years since the 9/11 terrorist attacks Robert Semrau Promo Next week the regular season of The Current returns and Anna Maria Tremonti will be back in the host chair She'll speak to He's the first Canadian soldier to be accused of homicide in battle - for the 2008 shooting of a wounded Taliban insurgent in Afghanistan As part of The Current's project the former captain speaks out for the first time about the day that sparked a national debate on the line between martial law and morality That's coming up Tuesday on The Current We aired a clip of Semrau considering the events that brought him to trial Last Word - Money Money Money We've been talking today about the connection between market speculation food prices -- and hunger Money and starvation aren't typical subjects for songwriters but it made for a catchy little tune in the musical Cabaret We ended today's program with . oh you can probably figure out the name of the songOther segment from today's show: and the ongoing fights between the Democrats and Republicans. as analysts and foreign governments pay close attention to what items appear on the service, tortured really, They founded the national organization


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