LIFE SUCKS

i never want to be that pathetic helpless child ever again

How many people actually have it bad in life? It seems that when I look around me, everyone else in school seems to have it good. They all seem to have a good upbringing, supportive family, a social life and the absence of any mental conditions whatsoever. What about me?

Where do I start? Well, Its my birthday tomorrow. Apparently, my friends told me that they had something planned out for me tomorrow. But today, the plans were cancelled. Why? I'm not sure. But there's this other girl, your typical nicey-nicey social butterfly who's hosting her birthday party tomorrow even though her birthday's on Monday. Maybe they think its a bit of a rush to be hanging around with me in the afternoon and then rushing home to doll up for that party at night. Either way, I'm not so much affected by that. Its not like my "friends" really know me anyway. We're not close to the point whereby they would care that I'll be spending my birthday alone, once again. Eleven years ago, when I was six, everything went to hell. I used to smile in my pictures, until I turned six. Unfortunately, I remember this quite clear enough. I was in the car with my mom,dad and my brother who is 6 years older than me. It was my birthday. My mother was driving the car when suddenly, my parents started arguing. Screaming. Hitting each other. Then my mother broke down in tears saying that my father had ruined my birthday.
They knew this. Yet they never stopped fighting. The blame game ensued. I don't think she was sad that her 6 year old child was in shock and in tears. Rather, she was sad about her own predicament, her failed marriage and poor self esteem. When we got home, I just went to my room and shut the door.


That year, I became conscious about a lot of things in the world. My grandfather was a fucking prick. He would always laugh while they fought and belittle me for being their child. Somedays I wished that he died.
I don't think they've ever loved each other. Apparently, I was told by my grandparents (both sides)that they always hated each other. That two months after they got married, they started fighting every single day. About what? Money, jealousy, past relationships, unfaithfulness, abusing each other? They were immature, unresponsible, unreliable and careless people, my mom and dad.
I'm pretty sure my mother has afew neurotic conditions, probably depression, lots of anxiety issues and just a terrible personality.

At that same year,
I got ostracized in school for standing up for a girl who wasn't liked by most kids in school. Most of the time, I kept to myself for I was a very introverted child even then. I was also very sensitive, insecure and shy. At home, my parents would always be verbally and emotionally abusing me. Because my mom had a low self esteem, she puts a lot of pressure on me to be the best. When I didn't live up to her unrealistic expectations (usually), she would physically and emotionally abuse me. To do well academically, she would sign me up to many classes without asking if I had any interest to join these classes. That year, I was sexually abused by my older brother. We shared a room. They found out, yelled at him once but never put us in separate rooms. After this, they would start blaming each other again. Then they would put me down just to relieve their feelings of bitterness and anguish.

My father. What father? I don't even feel that I have a father. I feel like a dog that's been kicked a little too much. I've been told by my grandparents that dear old dad had been an abusive little prick. Oh, also he was a big pervert. But when his father died and I turned six, fuck it... everything really went to hell when I turned six, didn't it? Where was I, oh yes, he turned into a religious extremist. Somehow, I feel that he uses his religion to excuse himself from all responsibility in the world. He was either preaching about the bible to me, yet he was a fucking hypocrite or he would be idling around somewhere. They were both sick people. Dependant on one another in their sick ways. My dad was also a creepy stalker like my mom, they would never let me out to play with the other kids. So naturally, I was scared that they would embarass me if I had any friends to begin with. So, I didn't have any friends. I kept to myself.

They never loved me. I don't even want to have kids when I grow up. I don't want to be like them. If I can't even fix myself first of all, I'm not up for caring for another life.

I'm getting fucking emotional now just by typing all these shit. And that's something, because I'm known as an ice queen in school. Emo. Loner. Weird bitch. Arrogant? Just because I'm not your blonde bimbo or bubbly cheerleader stereotype? Just because I value my education? Not that I like the educational system (I could rant for hours on this) but rather, its the only way to my freedom. Its my only way to be independent, to one day, move far far away from the people that have hurt me. I fucking hate every single one of them.

I'm not at all snobbish. I like to believe that everyone deserves respect regardless of in-born circumstances but the cyncism in me rises when people let me down once again by doing something incredibly stupid and senseless.

Me? I'm a fucking wreck. I struggle with an inferior-superiority complex, low self esteem and insecurity because there is no fucking responsible adult in my life who isn't a manipulative little thwart who wants to suck me dry. I have OCD as well, a perfectionist because I fear being nothing. Just like my dad, my mom would always say.

Also, even though I don't look the part, I'm a cynical geekish girl. I hate society, conforming to social norms and their stupid culture. I hate pop music and self-absorbed bitches. Its even worse when guys try to get close to you. It sucks that you know that at the end of the day, this supposedly budding friendship will NOT work out. The thing is, people idealize one another. Its necessary, but not healthy to some extent. When they peel off the wrapper and find that I'm not what they thought I was? Oh, its alright, you can ignore me.
WTF?!?!?1 YOU LIKE BOOKS?!?! OOOOH. NEVER THOUGHT YOU WERE A NERD. YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A NERD, STOP TRYING TO PLAY HARD TO GET!
Well yes, fuck you too.

Yep, that's the real me. Not this pretense of shy quiet nice girl. Its just so that people will leave me alone. Because it hurts when they get close to me only to turn away in disgust. They leave me wondering what is wrong with me. But recently, one of the few friends I have (back home, countries away from me) told me that the world does not revolve around me in the sense that, not everything bad that happens is my fault. Low fucking esteem indeed.

In my old school, I was picked on constantly. In my new school, its a religious school and everyone's a goody two shoes. Either that or you have your typical fat sally who thinks she's so fucking hot and above everyone else. Either way, I'm so lonely. I'm so fucking lonely I want to die.

"Why are you so sad? Smile!" Well, I just can't. Its not easy when your childhood's been a fucking mess. Besides, my future is so uncertain it leaves me hanging on edge everyday.

I really just want to die. I see a meaningless wasteland ahead of me. No matter how much I try to swim against the current, I'm not able to get anywhere without returning to square one. I try my best in school but my guardians (not living with the divorced folks) put me down every time. One of them's a fucking phD so she thinks she can be all fucking patronizing. The other guardian has issues with momsie, apparently. So even though she doesn't say it, I know she fucking hates my guts as well. Its like whenever she speaks to me, she thinks that one day I'll turn out like my mom so she has to prevent that from happening? How? By telling me her ways are always right and my ways are always fucking wrong. I am always fucking wrong. I am always the fucking loser.

Also, I used to be an obese child. But then I lost alot of weight by healthy eating and exercise. Why the fuck was I obese in the first place? Because dear mom is so fucking anxious all the time and don't forget POSSESSIVE. "DON'T GO OUT, IT'S DANGEROUS! YOU STEP OUTSIDE AND I'LL SLAP YOU SO HARD."
I've attempted suicide a lot of times. The first was when I was 9. It was after that bitch abused me, mentally, emotionally and physically. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to be gone. I hated that house. I hated that father who never cared or ran away whenever bad situations arised. I hated myself because I wasn't good enough, wasn't special enough. I hated the way I felt everyday. I would cry myself to sleep. Stupid child. Stupid pathetic child. I never want to be so weak again. That's what I told myself when I was 14. Anyway, I ran out of the house but she caught me and dragged me back while screaming in anguish sabout how much of an ungrateful little bitch I was. She would smack me across the face and the head. And then there was guilt manipulation. I was a premature baby apparently and so the hospital bills were quite a sum. I should be thankful that I'm a little abused dog? I should be thankful that she loves me so much in a sick twisted way? I think not.

I used to fail in school because after the third grade, I just gave up altogether because nothing was ever good enough for that bitch of a mother. But when I turned 14, like I said, I never want to be that weak again ever. So my school work is pretty good at the moment. But I feel so dead inside. Still dead as ever inside. And I'm getting sick of this feeling.
When I look in the mirror, I like the way I look now. But inside, I still feel like the ten year old ugly child I was.

I'll be seventeen years old tomorrow, and I want to die at seventeen.