Well, I guess I just want to tell my sad story though perhaps some may not see it that way. So, my mom was always crazy, and not the typical crazy. She was depressed, paranoid and I believe that she is deeply and profoundly broken. Growing up she abused me mentally and physically. From the time I was 2 till about 10, I was always covered on bruises and sometimes couldn't even move because of excruciating pain. She would also psychologically abuse me by calling me fat, stupid, a slob, etc until i would break down and cry but that didnt seem to male her want to stop. My dad adored me in his own way but was always gone and never seemed to notice how abusive my mom was. I was molested when I was 4 by a neighbor and raped when I was almost 9. The sad part is thar no one even knew until I told my mom when I was 16 and of course she blamed me, but now she is just refusing to even acknowledge that it even happened. Well, when I was 17 I decided to leave home and move in with my God mother, who didn't have any children and always seemed to like me. I had a great 7 month. Finally I had someone who cared for me, who got up in the morning to make me breakfast and take me to school. I finally had someone who I can talk to, someone I can laugh with, someone who found me smart, charming and funny. But of course my life sucks so This didn't last for long. My parents wanted me back and they made it very clear that they would stop at nothing. Finally I caved in and moved back in the he'll hole and it wasn't long before my mom started accusing me of having an affair with my dad, accusing me of being a heroin addict and a prostitute. Of course I was none of those things but het accusations destroyed my relationship with my dad and even to this day I feel embarrassed to look him in the eyes.
Well, when I was 18 I met a boy. He was funny, drove a fast car, and seemed to love me very much. It didn't take long for me to fall for him and move in with him. Yes, we did get married shortly after and even had a child. I was beyond happy. This was my chance to have a family the way I wanted it to be. I cooked, I cleaned, took care of our son and would sometimes stare at him thinking that i could never do the things my mom did to me. I loved being a mom and a wife. Buy I realized that I needed to go to college and have a career. So I did. I went to college, majored in psychology and graduated top of my class. Unfortunately, my parents were never far and would always pop into my life unexpected to make things impossible. On top of that my marriage quickly went south. My wonderful husband became addicted to porn and would spend hours in front of the computer. I begged him to stop but it was no use. About a yr into his addiction, he came to me and told me that he wanted us to be swingers. Of course I did not agree to such thing, though I'm sure the lifestyle would be great for others. After about 3 month he gave me 2 choices, to have an open marriage or to get a divorce, so I went for the divorce. Meanwhile I pursued my doctorate in psychology and tried to be the best mother that I can be. Unfortunately I began suffering from depression and anxiety. It became very hard for me to be happy and it killed me to know that my son didn't have the mom hr deserved. I tried every antidepressant in the world with little success. Psychotherapy helped but not enough.
Now I'm a single mother, with no one to really turn to. I do have a bright career ahead of me but my depression is not allowing me to fully appreciate an enjoy life. I feel I'm being dragged through life, a place which I was brought into by default. The only joy in my life is my son but it pains me that I can't be the happy mom that he deserves. At times I believe that I don't deserve him and that he deserves 2 parents who are happy and whole. His father was great with him for about 2 yrs after our divorce but recently he fell in love and now the visits and phone calls are lessening. I don't want anyone's pitty but I do want to let others know that I too am suffering. It seems like so many people are hating life and I don't understand until when we r all going to allow this to keep on going. We should stand up and say enough is enough and really really try to change things. I believe that we all deserve to be happy and fulfilled. We all have one life and I feel like I'm letting mine slip though my fingers.