I wish if only once someone would ask me what's wrong. Can't they all see that I'm not the ever confident and reliable leader I make myself out to be? Is it that hard to tell that I am a fake? I ask people what they think of me and the situation is exactly what I feared; they tell me I am great or successful and should be happy with my life. Worst of all they tell me they want to be like me one day. Do they not see that I am inches from ripping my hair out? Have they not discovered I am a horrible, evil, lonely person? If they would only just know me, maybe just one person. They would hate me but as long as they knew me it would save me from this dread.
I am 23 and I am currently completing pilot training on the T-38 for the United States Air Force. I am the only female in any of the fights. I am also currently first in my class with only one citation for an improper radio transmission. I spent my high school life studying and doing community service to get in to the Air Force Academy. I spent all my time at the Academy studying, playing sports, and doing military shit so I could get a pilots slot and graduate first in my class. Now I go in to work fly for an hour, go home study for six hours, run for a few hours and try to sleep. I have nothing else. Fly Study Run Sleep.
I have nothing. I have nothing and then all these people come up to me and tell me that they envy me? It just makes me feel so hallow. I am just a shadow. I am just so lonely.