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why even bother

Posted by anonymous at June 15, 2011
Tags: Attitude  2011 June  Loneliness  Meaninglessness

I wish if only once someone would ask me what's wrong. Can't they all see that I'm not the ever confident and reliable leader I make myself out to be? Is it that hard to tell that I am a fake? I ask people what they think of me and the situation is exactly what I feared; they tell me I am great or successful and should be happy with my life. Worst of all they tell me they want to be like me one day. Do they not see that I am inches from ripping my hair out? Have they not discovered I am a horrible, evil, lonely person? If they would only just know me, maybe just one person. They would hate me but as long as they knew me it would save me from this dread.

I am 23 and I am currently completing pilot training on the T-38 for the United States Air Force. I am the only female in any of the fights. I am also currently first in my class with only one citation for an improper radio transmission. I spent my high school life studying and doing community service to get in to the Air Force Academy. I spent all my time at the Academy studying, playing sports, and doing military shit so I could get a pilots slot and graduate first in my class. Now I go in to work fly for an hour, go home study for six hours, run for a few hours and try to sleep. I have nothing else. Fly Study Run Sleep.

I have nothing. I have nothing and then all these people come up to me and tell me that they envy me? It just makes me feel so hallow. I am just a shadow. I am just so lonely.


Similar Entries:
No one sees it... April 18, 2012
I want to die May 27, 2011
By the time people will help it'll be too late. June 10, 2012
Feel invisable to everyone. February 23, 2012
:( March 23, 2009

New Comment

By anonymous at 15,Jul,11 01:01

"...horrible, evil, lonely person..." ...Wow, that's me in a nutshell...especially the "evil" part...Isn't it something how misfortune can make you into a bitter and angry person? Angry at the world? Angry at others for the way they act and think? I'll tell ya...I find myself in a frustrated and cranky mood all the time anymore...

That aside, if you're looking for any uplifting comments, I can say this, keep at it...You obviously have a fighting spirit, and you seem to handle things as I do: You see every obstacle, task, "goal" ...whether it be college or work or exercise or means to an end, an xyz that needs to be handled to get to the end and the result...Each task is something to be accomplished...So far, you've done just that...

*Up until now, you've actually accomplished a LOT to be proud of...but only from a professional standpoint...You need to attack something a bit more complicated than the xyz...the heart...the soul...Sit and write down what you want..make a it for a few nights...when no one else is up or around...what would make you happy? Anything, whatever it is...then do it...figure it out...accomplish it...and handle it ...If it doesn't work the first time, try it again...Even a slab of concrete will break if you hammer it keep hitting those problems with all you've got!

By anonymous at 15,Jul,11 09:36

so from this point on, take some time from every day to do something that makes you feel more like the person you want to be. take some time to be yourself rather than to chase your career. people will always tell you your career is the most important thing, but the truth is that if you follow that advice, you will end up like you have. your purpose/ meaning in life is not to be someone's employee. someone else's machine. it's great that you have found a career path you enjoy, not trying to take away from that. just remember to also take time to be a person. (and don't expect someone to come along to help you to do that. it would be nice, but no one is going to. do it for yourself.)

By PAM at 18,Jul,11 00:27

Everyone is somewhat evil in this fallen world...even the best person on earth is flawed...take it from a former uber chic who beat everybody at everything intellectually and physically...start taking a little time out in your day and crack the New Testament...check it out...the red words are the best...from Jesus himself...don't trust any hokey religious feel good stuff. Pray to God and be patient...if your heart is in the right place and you seek truth you may find a whole new world like I did...don't let any pseudo Christians tell you that you have to chuck your scientific beliefs either...I still believe the earth is 4+ billion years old...a lot of those people misunderstand the very scriptures they quote, unfortunately...some of the greatest minds on earth, past and present, relied on the words of Jesus Christ to help them through their darkest hours and through their greatest successes... I hope this helps... God bless.

By anonymous at 31,Jul,11 21:04

You sound like you are suffering from, possibly depression...I urge you to get help. life can improve ,you can feel happy and find meaning. good luck.

By anonymous at 04,Aug,11 07:42

I guess this is how every other pilot feels like in their school years. your humbleness shows dedication not depression.I think it's just a phase caused by chronic fatigue. I have similar experience but you're doing way better than me.

By anonymous at 10,Aug,11 10:21

nice story....troll

By Discount OEM Software at 09,Mar,12 01:51

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