LIFE SUCKS

It can always get worse

Oh, look, I'm a 22 yo male in my "best years" and the greatest achievement of the day is that I complained anonymously on the internet about how my life sucks. Yay...

I am isolated from people. I don't find joy in anything at all most of the time. The few times I find some peace or joy, it quickly fades away and then I feel cheated as it must not have been true at all, if it faded so quickly.
I thought I have found life in Christ Jesus (I wasn't raised religious), and honestly wanted to grow in an intimate relationship with God, and it just seems to be an utter failure. I am still not deluded of Him, but of everything else. I look around an see so many lies about Cristianity all around in the World, and possibly 80% of people reading this will think of a completely different Christ. I am talking about the one in the Bible (maybe read some Spurgeon or listen to Paul Washer to know what the difference is). So everyone is professing Christ and say the love God and bla bla bla, but when you look closely they are just as miserable, evil and helpless as you are. They can't really think of others and most of the time it just seems that no one is behaving as if God was actually real. Everyone is just doing their lives and goes on with their everyday things. You would think that a supposed meeting with their saviour would have some impact on their lives, but no.
And here I am. I can't relate to people. Some years ago, I think I had some empathy in me, but is just slowly dying out. I don't really care. I was alone for 22 years now, and why would it change now? I can't open up to people, yet I still long to. I just hate this. If I have to be alone, why do I have to feel the longing for others. If I have a need for company, then why am I unable to make bonds? This just seems cruel.
No one knows me and I know no one really. Can even trust my own parents with my problems. The only time I couldn't hold the pain of my loneliness in any longer and burst into tears and my mum was around, so I had to give some proper explanation to the question "What's the problem?"other then "Nothing." It had very little use. First it seemed as if it helped, but later it just turned out as I expected it and why I didn't talk about it. Feels/Seems like no one really cares. They just want me "checked" on their list so their conscience won't tell them they should care about me. "How are you?" they ask and they tell me they mean it. Oh, they don't! They don't want to hear, that I hate my life, that I spend most of my time thinking "I want to die, I want to die... I don't want to live." They don't want to hear that I have no joy that I find nothing loveable in myself that I am attracted to the same sex and that it just cracks me up.
And no, I am not intending on "be who I am". Homosexuality is just as a cruel lie as most of today's culture.
And here is the other thing. Nothing makes sense. Nothing has value. In this society everything is built on lies. Politics, media, communications, relationships. Even your breakfast cereal is a bunch of boastful lies. Truth has no real value anymore. Kind of like in Harry Potter. Luna Lovegood has the tendency to speak out uncomfortable truths and everyone thinks she is stupid and weird. No one wants to hear the Truth anymore. Well, I'd like to, but then who the F* would tell me, and could I believe them?

Is there any real happiness at all? Is there true friendship, do meaningful human relationships exist? Is there a goal or a purpose in life? Or is that all too just a lie? Why should I not kill myself then? If there is no God? If there is no Truth? If there is no meaning behind my existence, then why live? Honestly?! Does anyone even care to even think about those questions!?

I'm not going to kill myself, don't worry. I want to see the end of this, maybe it would make some sense after all...

If only I was able to ever tell all this to someone. If only that someone really cared...