To all those who said my life isn't THAT bad, try being an orphan at 9 (mom died of a brain tumor when i was 2 and dad of lung cancer when i was 9) with a sexually abusive cousin (among others, but he was the prominent one), a step mom who beat me, in and out of the system til I was 18. Not to mention that one of my brothers "accidentally" shot himself in the head (I was 8, he was in his 20's), another died in a fire (I was 12, he was 32) and the third of pancreatic cancer (in 2005, he was 45). My sister died of an overdose last august, 8 1/2 months pregnant and took the kid with her (she was 44 and left behind 6 children). Oh and NOW, i no longer have my dead end job, I was fired from it and can't find another one, i can't collect unemplyment because i was fired and can't get welfare because I'm "able" to work. The doctors wont give me a note to get diability (ibs/anxiety disorder). I have psychotic raging tantrums when I can't find stuff. So bad that last week, i ended up in the hospital after threatening to take a bottle of pills because i lost my bag of pot, I was escorted out by police to be strapped into an ambulance and the WHOLE neighbouhood saw me being towed away.
At 30 years old, I'm left with serious intimacy issues, so that leaves me with no friends, no hope of being in a normal relationship and the fact that I'm gonna die alone. Ever since I was born, i was cursed to be miserable. Don't get me wrong, I know that misery is apparently a "choice" ppl make, but trust me, I've tried to be happy. Seen shrinks, took the fucking stupid useless pills they gave me without success. I talked to hundreds of poeple but noone can help me. I've tried dealing with all of this by myself and every time i start to feel better and see the light at the end, it gets ripped out from under me, someone else dies, i lose yet another job, lose another friend, all things out of my control. i have no control of my life and can't be happy until i do (but never will cause u can't control when ppl die - and death is innevitable)
Basically I'm afraid of getting close to anyone for fear that they will abuse me, use me, die on me or just plain old hurt me. I'm fuckin lonely and the worst part is that noone cares, i'm sitting here rotting from the inside out alone and it just makes everything that much worse. Whenever I think I'm getting over my past, something happens and i not only have to deal with the issue/tragedy at hand, but every other tragedy that happened before, i go through it all over again. It constantly gets brought up, why can't I get over it???? Can anyone help?