LIFE SUCKS

Life just hit like a ton of bricks.

Have you ever lived a life that's already miserable, but then something big happens and you open your eyes and see how much your life truly sucks? I just did today. My husband got a letter from the federal courts today saying he has been indicted on counterfeit movie charges. he has to answer the indictment next Wednesday and he may not be coming home. he could get up to 5 years in federal prison, far from home. We have 2 small children, he's already on probation 5 years, once he's convicted, he could serve his original 5 years in prison on that when they revoke his probation. I'm in school full time at a for-profit college and i will be in over $20,000 debt for a degree no job will ever accept. my glasses are broke and i'm wearing contacts that are over a year old. gotta love risking an eye infection or even blindness. but what choice do i have? I need to see and i can't afford new glasses or contacts. my kids are just mean, disobedient brats, but i love them to death, so maybe I'm too soft on them. my house is in horrible condition with a blown out sewer pipe under the house, holes in the walls and windows, no ceiling at all in one room, no inside doors, leaky pipes, and the worst fucking cockroach, fly, and flea infestation, you could ever imagine. just one big, filthy, stinking, unsanitary shitpile. local charities won't help fix it because it's a mobile home. fuck the fact that we have 2 kids living in this hellhole. what can i do? I get an SSI check every month for $674 per month and that's our only income. that just covers the bills. i cant fix anything, that's why my husband sold bootleg movies. he's a severely dyslexic, 7 time convicted felon who graduated special ed, who the fuck would ever hire someone like that. even the vocational assistance programs won't touch him until he has no pending charges. we're out of food-stamps, out of cash and going out of our minds. my son's teacher is doing a home visit next month, and undoubtedly, my son will be starting kindergarten from foster care. my poor little girl fell asleep with a shitty diaper on because a whole bag of diapers just vanished. I don't know if anyone will ever read this, actually, I hope they won't. why tell me how fucked up of a person i am if i already know? I want to slit my wrists or take every pill in the house just to kill the pain. don't want to die, just want to hurt. i can't let the kids see that,though. So fuck all this shit and fuck everyone who says money doesn't buy love. Nope, it doesn't buy love, but it sure as fuck buys happiness. I don't even have a space-bar on my keyboard, so I have to go ALL the way back through and insert spaces with the on screen keyboard. Fuck everyone who thinks I'm a bad mother, if I could change things, I would, but how do I change it? leave my husband? I can't leave the father of my kids who I love dearly just because he can never provide. If I get a job, I'll lose the check and that's our only lifeline right now.I'm going to lose my husband and my babies. When I do,I will kill myself, because there will be nothing left to live for. have a nice day, glad I didn't post this shit on Facebook, only the darker corners of the internet (which I'm stealing)