I am 24, white cocasian male, I live in a shitty eastern European country, although myself am originally from another country. I hate my life, I hate my family, I am ashamed of my heritage, I hate my body, my mind, I never had any friends, I had hobbies but lost interest in everything completely throughout the years.
My family never gave a damn about me, I grew up in my elder brother's shadow and was constantly bullied by him. I still live with my family, I have no job, I dropped out of college because I lost interest and eventually failed to pass the exams.
It is my personal belief that my brother sucked all the confidence and self-esteem out of me during childhood, that's why I feel like garbage right now and he is such an arrogant and overconfident prick. I blame my parents because they never noticed any of that and never intervened. (They invested all their love in him and left me pick up the pieces on my own. Ironically for them my brother turned out too spoiled to make them proud in any way.)
I rarely talk to anyone about anything important. I grew up watching TV and movies and listening to music in English. Maybe it's because of that, that it is my dream to move to an English speaking country and start a new life and forget everything and everyone I've known up to this point. Maybe find a life partner whom I could trust and who will see me and accept me for who I am, with all my faults and insecurities. I feel like I have lots of love to give, if only I could fully trust someone.
Because of my stupid selfless nature I have been unable to do that or anything to help me achieve my dream. My parents are divorced and even though I hate them I care too much about them to just get up and try to get the F out of here. Does that make sense?
My biggest problem at this point is that I'm starting to lose interest in everything. I didn't feel so lonely before, but now I do for some reason. I wish I had at least one friend I could to talk to about all this, but I don't. I can't help but feel like I've wasted my youth. I grew up thinking everyone else was better than me and I think it prevented me from going out in the public and doing something useful with my life.
Naturally I have no girlfriend or boyfriend (I feel like I can be sexually attracted to both genders). So obviously am a virgin. Never asked anybody out, never been asked out by anyone either. Never kissed anybody. Physical contact is very alien to me. I feel ugly, I feel fat (although I weigh only 70 kg), I feel unattractive, I feel like nobody will like me if they got to know me, although that has never been the case. Am an atheist, have been one as long as I can remember.
I feel like crap. I feel useless and worthless, especially to myself. I have no job, no career, no profession. I spend my days helping others with their computer problems. I feel nobody respects me or values me. I feel everybody is looking down on me. I used to be interested in music, art, and computer programming, I was even once published in an international book (some 6 years ago), but over time I lost confidence and therefore interest. I have no money to support myself. I feel like a burden for my parents. I'm thinking of suicide more with each passing day.