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Failure

Posted by anonymous at July 20, 2011
Tags: Attitude  2011 July  Meaninglessness

I am 24, white cocasian male, I live in a shitty eastern European country, although myself am originally from another country. I hate my life, I hate my family, I am ashamed of my heritage, I hate my body, my mind, I never had any friends, I had hobbies but lost interest in everything completely throughout the years.

My family never gave a damn about me, I grew up in my elder brother's shadow and was constantly bullied by him. I still live with my family, I have no job, I dropped out of college because I lost interest and eventually failed to pass the exams.

It is my personal belief that my brother sucked all the confidence and self-esteem out of me during childhood, that's why I feel like garbage right now and he is such an arrogant and overconfident prick. I blame my parents because they never noticed any of that and never intervened. (They invested all their love in him and left me pick up the pieces on my own. Ironically for them my brother turned out too spoiled to make them proud in any way.)

I rarely talk to anyone about anything important. I grew up watching TV and movies and listening to music in English. Maybe it's because of that, that it is my dream to move to an English speaking country and start a new life and forget everything and everyone I've known up to this point. Maybe find a life partner whom I could trust and who will see me and accept me for who I am, with all my faults and insecurities. I feel like I have lots of love to give, if only I could fully trust someone.

Because of my stupid selfless nature I have been unable to do that or anything to help me achieve my dream. My parents are divorced and even though I hate them I care too much about them to just get up and try to get the F out of here. Does that make sense?

My biggest problem at this point is that I'm starting to lose interest in everything. I didn't feel so lonely before, but now I do for some reason. I wish I had at least one friend I could to talk to about all this, but I don't. I can't help but feel like I've wasted my youth. I grew up thinking everyone else was better than me and I think it prevented me from going out in the public and doing something useful with my life.

Naturally I have no girlfriend or boyfriend (I feel like I can be sexually attracted to both genders). So obviously am a virgin. Never asked anybody out, never been asked out by anyone either. Never kissed anybody. Physical contact is very alien to me. I feel ugly, I feel fat (although I weigh only 70 kg), I feel unattractive, I feel like nobody will like me if they got to know me, although that has never been the case. Am an atheist, have been one as long as I can remember.

I feel like crap. I feel useless and worthless, especially to myself. I have no job, no career, no profession. I spend my days helping others with their computer problems. I feel nobody respects me or values me. I feel everybody is looking down on me. I used to be interested in music, art, and computer programming, I was even once published in an international book (some 6 years ago), but over time I lost confidence and therefore interest. I have no money to support myself. I feel like a burden for my parents. I'm thinking of suicide more with each passing day.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
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Total Failure March 2, 2012
untitled story July 14, 2011
loneliness sucks March 24, 2012
Pessimistic introvert June 8, 2012



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Comments:
By anonymous at 30,Aug,11 01:12

u sound like a con artist
By anonymous at 06,Sep,11 02:48

Why? Because my grammar isn't complete crap?
By anonymous at 08,Sep,11 21:45

yah he sounds like a con artist, i can sense on the way he writes. coz you know what some people fabricate stories and use other people's loneliness and take advantage of them. so beware guys!


By anonymous at 01,Sep,11 17:50

Find God.
By anonymous at 02,Sep,11 01:02

There'so such thing. Stop telling your self lies.
By anonymous at 10,Sep,11 11:58

well put.......there is no god so get over it and look for the truth in life, and the only truth is death, you will die that is the only truth, it is up to you how you live your life befor that happens.
By anonymous at 15,Sep,11 01:27 Fold Up

There is no God, get over yourself...


By anonymous at 03,Sep,11 14:27

Life is not easy, but I know that when you lose hope...there is hope- in God. He sent His son to die in our place and Jesus said the life He gives us is an abundant life. Life is not about us, it's about God and glorifying Him- when we get our focus right, we prosper and have a purpose.
By anonymous at 08,Sep,11 09:55

Is he not supposed to love his son? why would he send him to die. If you are considering religion, Islam is it my dear.
By anonymous at 08,Sep,11 10:17

Or not...
By at 08,Sep,11 14:04

Your post is a lack of knowledge considering the question you imposed. You clearly have not seeked God nor read the bible. If you have tried you need to try harder. You need to push it. God is not an atm machine. He doesn't give out freebies every time you ask for it. Grow in Christ persistently and faithfully. Never give up because He never gave up on you.


By anonymous at 03,Sep,11 14:34

The bible says "as a man thinks in his heart, so is he". I feel for the people who feel worthless as I know what that feels like- I left my husband who was abusive, when I was 6 months pregnant, and feel like a failure for doing so....but I have God in my life and He is the only reason I have managed to survive through it all-it has been the hardest time of my life (my daughter is now 9 months old). My husband is in the army and in Afghanistan currently, and still I wonder did I do the right thing. I know feelings of worthlessness and failure, but I also know that God does not see me the way I sometimes see myself- it's not about what I am, it's about what He is and I know that in Him, I am valued and loved and cherished and as I start to believe the truth, I am set free from the lie that tells me I am no good....start to think better of yourself and you will be better...for as a man thinks in his heart about himself-he will be that


By at 03,Sep,11 21:18

You don't need god. Especially if ur atheist. I understand a little of what u are going through. I too grew up in the shadow of an older brother that was abusive. Now he lives next door to my parents and they give him everything and refuse to help me at all financially. I have no interests in hobbies and I also feel no one likes me. Just so u know you are not alone. I feel that one day you will change someones life for the better because u seem to have a caring nature. Hang in there and I'm sure life will get better.


By anonymous at 04,Sep,11 14:18

[Read this whenever your depressed. It might cheer you up - it works for me.]

My mum is an idiot and my family are narrow minded ambitionless wormholes that suck the life out of everyone who wants to enjoy it and not become a fucked up piece of shit traditionalist bastard who should be shot.

Also majority of them are bigoted racist cunts and most of them see themselves as something greater than what they are - failed humans who have no regard for other people and as a result have not integrated into modern society. These people need to be trampled upon or gassed. Ideally both - is what they deserve. Too bad humans have adapted against natural selection. I tell you , if darwinism is true, my family would be the first to bite the dust.

They, especially the idiot, have paved the way for my insanity and the only release I get is to oppose them. But they never change and remain deluded. So I have no other means of protest other than doing nothing and throwing my life away down the shit-hole. It wouldn't matter, I could just take a leaf from one of their books and instead of trying to get a life, why not just live on benefits for the sake of it! [laughs to self].

Anyway thanks to them, my life is hell. Thank god I never let myself be programmed to their dirt crap way of life - i would rather be a slob. They wanted me to be another doll that would carry on their hypocrisy once they are dead and rotting away. But I protested and these envious pigs make me suffer, knowing I cant really do anything about it.

My life is hell and It can not be refunded to me. If I could choose to be reborn, I wouldn't even think twice. Adiós and a middle finger is all id give them before I leave. But they deserve repeated hammer shots to their face, not just a middle finger. Animals are better creatures and show more love/empathy than these monsters. Animals care for their young. But the other pieces of trash who i have to live with just do everything for themselves. They bought their ideals to a country that does not want them and they unsurprisingly failed to make anything of themselves.

One of the narrow-minded idiots tried to run for a council membership, having more racist and narrow-minded apes as allies in the community. THANK GOD he failed. Thank god our country is run on a system that prevents worthless foul sons of bitches like these to ever gain a position of power. They should be treated as they are - like vermin and eradicated.

Even writing this essay was a stress relief exercise in response to one of the knobs shedding their hate on top of me. It is a window into mental cognition of a person who has had his ambition, hope and integrity strangled and demolished by people who do not even deserve the oxygen they breathe.


By anonymous at 04,Sep,11 16:35

You only get 1 life..What you do with it is up to you...You cant live your life for your family...I understand how important family is but do yourself a favour get out make a life that makes you happy and that will be enough to make any parent proud...you cant waste your life and blame it on those around you...get out and get busy living...good luck!!


By at 05,Sep,11 02:12

So, I've found this post while I couldn't sleep cause of fucking too much thinking about life, a girl I love while she's so far away from me, and the friends who doesn't care anymore and the family that I feel I'm a burden on them and would help them anyway possible, I just want to tell you I live in the middle east, and no way any country even your country can be worse than this country, everything is just corrupted, even we had a revolution that was meant to fix all that, it even fuck it way more than the ex corrupted regime, I can't find a words to help me explain my pain or to ease abit of yours, but I want to say something...but it just won't come out of my mind, maybe we can chat abit, I know you're in europe me in other half of the world, but we could have many in commons, music or tv shows what ever, maybe we can support each other, life is really great when you are talking to the right people....I hope you don't give up and fight till the last moment, find that thing that provides you with strength and hold it close to you and trust me don't make a bubble around you and accept things for what they are and try to cope as much as you can....if you want we can exchange emails I'd me happy to help you and be friend of you.


By anonymous at 05,Sep,11 12:25

I have three suggestions for you. One--find a good therapist who can listen to you and help you work through the psychological damage from your childhood and help you find a path to healing from it. You may need a doctor to prescribe an antidepressant if you are clinically depressed. Two--develop and pursue an interest in something that will excite and inspire you--to give you more purpose in your days. Three--there are plenty of people suffering and in need of help. One sure-fire way to feel better is to reach out your hand and offer a smile to someone else having a tough time--volunteer your help with a local group and make a difference. Showing love and compassion to someone else is its own reward. Your life can get better. Good luck.


By anonymous at 05,Sep,11 16:18

if i say i love u, will u believe me? :)
i love u, and don't feel lonely.. always remember there's an ignorant person alive in the furthest corner of this world, who is concerned about you, and who loves u :) if u want, u can share ur mail id with me, i'll be mailing u :)
By anonymous at 05,Sep,11 18:34

Go on.


By anonymous at 05,Sep,11 18:42

if you need someone to speak with you can email me at JTCorlett@gmail.com


By anonymous at 06,Sep,11 13:19

I command you to do buy Insanity Workout. Search it up and buy it and do it. It's better than moping around about your life right now. You'll be occupied and get stronger and perhaps at least have something to boast about. Otherwise find something to do and do it, with all your heart. You have know goals, no purpose, which is why you feel like that. So get up and make life interesting.


By anonymous at 06,Sep,11 14:01

Why would you hate your mind?You're an atheist!
I too never had friends...
Your life doesn't suck,your attitude does.

I know you probably won't, but you can email me anytime.
Im bored and you sound like an interesting person,we can chat.
(159.rtshjkd.159@gmail.com)


By at 07,Sep,11 10:27

cool*


By anonymous at 07,Sep,11 10:28

“The life of man [is] solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short”


By anonymous at 07,Sep,11 10:28

by Thomas Hobbes


By at 08,Sep,11 02:56

hey, are you still alive? hope you didn't commit suicide, life is still precious even though you think that yours isn't.
your story caught my attention coz we have the same situation as you are now and i feel for you, but you know what despite of the hardships i'm in right now, i never consider commiting suicide.

i know deep inside your heart you want to find your own happiness so why don't you change your thinking that nobody cares for you? that's the reason you're not happy right now.
instead of self pity why don't you focus on what you are passionate about? you said you like programming art and music why don't you just focus on that and do it anyway despite what you think others think of you. you'll never know what will life offer to you after that.
learn to open up your heart to others even though they'll end up hurting you coz it will make you stronger. that's part of growing up. learn to forgive and forget.

you and only you have the power to change your life, if you want to be a victim by your self pitying and negative thinking then so be it.

good luck!:)


By anonymous at 08,Sep,11 14:01

Hey man, I don't know how you feel or what you go through. I'm just a normal kid living in America, 19 years old with a girlfriend who is probably 2 months pregnant. All I have to say bro is open up the bible. Regardless of what anyone says, open it up and give it a shot. Read Romans or 1 Corinthians, or Ephesians. Also watch this church online on Wednesdays. generatelife.com. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart,check it out. Let me know your email if you need anything. I'm here for you. Jesus loves you more than you know. Don't let anyone or even your thoughts destroy Him because He's far higher than we can fathom. Let him reveal himself to you.


By anonymous at 09,Sep,11 15:08

First I wanna say thanks for the comments. I waited for a month to see my post published and it's nice to see so many people leaving comments.

Having said that, since both my original post and this comment are 'by anonymous', there is no way you can tell for sure that it is in fact me writing this. Should you even care? I don't know, you decide.

Not much has changed since my original post, but I just want to say that I don't always feel as bad as I did when I was writing it. My mood changes frequently and to be honest sometimes I come here and read what I've written and think "what the hell was I thinking writing this". Truth is I felt really bad back then. I try not to think about it.

I have come to accept some things about myself, maybe that's why I feel much more relaxed now. I have failed big time in life and there's nothing I can do about it. You may think that my whole life is ahead of me, but I don't feel that way. I feel like I have completely wasted myself. Not wasted as in drunk, but wasted as in worn out. Yes, that's the word - worn out. I feel worn out and expired. It's too late for me, because my development has completed and it has completed the wrong way. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have a fucked up mind and nothing can fix it.

Don't worry I'm not going to kill myself, yet. I haven't felt very suicidal since my OP. I've tried to find Phenobarbital in pharmacies a few times but that thing doesn't exist anymore. And most pain killers are with prescription only. So I've given up on that, until the next time I feel too crappy.

To the religious preachers here: I appreaciate what you are trying to do, but I also can't help but feel offended. I stated in my post clearly that I am an atheist. Have you ever wondered why I did that? I did that avoid "find Jesus and you'll be happy" crap coming my way and that's exactly what you gave me. Like I said, I understand what you're trying to do and I appreaciate your good intentions, but understand that once you realize it's bullshit nothing can make you believe again. Let me make my point with a question: can you believe in Santa again? I didn't think so.

So, I am a con artist eh? Because of my grammar? I thought I'd made my love for the English language clear. I love English, I love it far more than my native tongue, which I think is a complete joke, don't get me started on that. It's yet another personal tragedy of mine, because no one here speaks English.

Some of you want to communicate with me, I find that pleasantly surprising. Don't ask why. If you've read my post, then you know why. I would like to remain somewhat anonymous, so I created a new e-mail account which only people who can read this will know about. Anyone who wants to talk to me, this is it: win2fail at hotmail.com. Don't forget to replace the 'at' with the actual at sign.

And finally, to the person who said she/he loves me. Again, I am pleasantly surprised to see something like that coming my way, but I must ask: how can you tell that to someone you don't know enough about. If you're still here, I am looking forward to 'hearing' from you.
By at 09,Sep,11 18:55

"Not wasted as in drunk, but wasted as in worn out."

HAHA that was funny.
By anonymous at 10,Sep,11 15:37 Fold Up

this dude is a con artist people, it has nothing to do with grammar, don't fuck with him


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