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This Life Means F*ck to Me

Posted by jane at July 22, 2011
Tags: Attitude  2011 July  Loneliness

I am 38 and alone in this world. I have an ex who means everything in the world to me but just wants to be friends. I am in a constant state of misery chasing what will never again be mine. I have very few friends. I become more and more anti-social with each passing day. Lately, I think to myself on a daily basis that I would not care one bit if I died right now. It would be so much easier to just be done with this life. My childhood sucked. My father abandoned us when I was very young and it's now been 20+ years since I have even talked to him. I don't feel like I know how to love. I am the youngest of 3 and while I never went without food, clothes, and a safe home, I wasn't loved. And that's how I love now-- I take care of people I love by providing, not emotionally. Who the fuck wants a partner like that? I know there are millions who have it worse than me but when you have nothing to live for, it's pure misery. Yes I have a job and a house. But I just go through the motions. I enjoy nothing I have other than my dog. She may actually be the reason I don't just stick a gun in my mouth. I just watched a special on 20/20 about kids with schizophrenia and all I could see in the families was the love. They have each other. They are a family, no matter how dysfunctional. I envy every person I see with a ring on their finger because they have what I don't. I don't know how I can do this for another 50 years. I dream of the day that I die in a car accident and it's all over.


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New Comment

By anonymous at 11,Sep,11 15:33

Don't envy every person that you see with a ring on thier finger cause some cases that ring don't mean shit. Like you I just go through the motions the only difference is that I have a ring. My husband don't really love me most nights I lie awake in my bed crying cause of it. No he don't abuse me or anything like that he just shows that he don't love me in his words and actions according to him I am the one who is selfish when I gave up everything to be with him. yey me so don't think that the grass is always greener on the other side cause it really ain't
By anonymous at 11,Sep,11 22:36 that ring doesnt always mean crap...actions speak so much more than items or words..

grass aint greener... its only up to God

By anonymous at 11,Sep,11 16:52

'Love' is something that is personally defined
or felt by individuals and not the same for
everybody. Maybe more important is having feelings,
good ones especially - call them what you want. You expressed good feelings for your dog and I bet the
dog does not have a ring on its least yet. Dog
doesn't have expectations of you except you being you and
vice verse. We don't seem to limit our human expectations
like that so they get screwed up a lot, two way street.
You seem to have many failed expections of yourself and for others. Maybe it doensnt really mean you or they are failures. Could be that your real failure was not setting realistic expectations toward you, or them. Heck I
don't know, ask the dog. I do know that yesterday and tomorrow are or will not be 'judgement' days for me because
there would never be a 'final' judgement day. Last week I would rate me as being a total loser/failure for two of those days, totally insignificant or neutral on one, and a world beater for four of those days. Not bad... for last week. Next week, though, might be a train wreck but if
it is, oh well! Hopefully, I will have more weeks after that to get the caboose off me and improve. Don't be so hard on yourself, the the world will do enough of that
for you. Friends? I think a couple or three real and good
friends is a hell of a lot better than having a bunch
of controlling busy-bodies imposing upon your life like a bunch of fruit flys. Like some of those face book folks
who claim they have hundreds of "friends". Oh, really?
I'm glad they got em because I don't think I would want
most of them in my space. Quality is far better than Quantity. Be your own best friend first and foremost and
let the rest fall in line - even if it's a short line, it
will be a real one. Now, if you want monetary success,
invent a "paw ring" and I bet if you invent a good line
of them you will make your first million in sales
within a year of production. Think about it.
By anonymous at 12,Sep,11 07:00


In the year or so that i've been reading entries here. This is the first original and substantial retort to someone's plight that i've read. CONGRATS!!!!! or thank you for sharing your great sense of perspective.

Modern relationships are emotional and intellectual quagmires.
Corporations using the media to flash us images of marital bliss for the sake of a mortgage or a new car or a spot in the best school or whatever else they "push" on us. The governments or politicians condones and sponsor these activities creating laws to use against the very people they're "pushing" their merchandise to.

Relationships multiplied by a country's population represents an interesting market to exploit.

I stay away. The people i tend to meet are liars, hypocrites, prejudiced and ignorant.


By anonymous at 12,Sep,11 09:02

i m sorry but you are such a cry baby. search for nick vujinic on the google. life is always hard for every single person. it is upon you how you response. consider you are dead,forget everything in the past, take a new start. in my religion, it is said that we get human life once in a million years, so make most of it. your ex-what is he the last person on the planet. remember one thing the much you run behind the thing, it runs away from u , because it shows how vulnerable you are.
there is a chance that somebody better will come your not give like this. you are just 38. my grand ma is 70+ and she fell in love. remember, life is same for everybody,talent is same may be 9-10 but appp. same in every person. it is you who define what your life would be.

By anonymous at 12,Sep,11 11:04

Join the Army

By anonymous at 12,Sep,11 13:58

I agree you need to get over your ex and find someome else. There's no point in crying over someone who doesn't want you anymore. Its over, move on. Find things that make you happy, hobbies, actitivities. Learn to live for yourself, no other person. We're born alone and die alone. Life is mostly painful, so we should enjoy the simple pleasures. For me its a good lasagna and HBO on Sunday nights. Life is not about being happy; its about continuing to breathe one day at a time.

By anonymous at 13,Sep,11 04:25

hey hommie,
coming at ya from phx, I have been married 7 long years. always trying to please her and her always trying to please me. We were both depressed and sick of marriage. After the the 4th year we decided to only try to please our own selfs, me for me, her for her. Sence then things have been great,sometimes you just got to worry about yourself and fuck the rest the ones who really love you will stay by your side, who ever drifts away, prob. shouldnt of been there in the first place. death is never and option, death is temtation at its evilist, you got be strong and look the devil in his eyes and say fuck you, i will live and i will love life, nothing gonna kill you but the man above you.
god bless
phx az

By Maisyn at 24,May,16 19:52

Yes mate we don18#2&7;t hear in the UK ether. But I am yet to come across an airline that will listen to a complaint in any meaningful way without the threat of being taken to law. It’s a sad fact that airlines don’t deal with passengers? very well except in relation to matters covered by law. Where law is not applied airlines act in a very callus way. Remember they are not there to make your trip go well or to act in a socially responsible way. But to make profit.

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