I am 38 and alone in this world. I have an ex who means everything in the world to me but just wants to be friends. I am in a constant state of misery chasing what will never again be mine. I have very few friends. I become more and more anti-social with each passing day. Lately, I think to myself on a daily basis that I would not care one bit if I died right now. It would be so much easier to just be done with this life. My childhood sucked. My father abandoned us when I was very young and it's now been 20+ years since I have even talked to him. I don't feel like I know how to love. I am the youngest of 3 and while I never went without food, clothes, and a safe home, I wasn't loved. And that's how I love now-- I take care of people I love by providing, not emotionally. Who the fuck wants a partner like that? I know there are millions who have it worse than me but when you have nothing to live for, it's pure misery. Yes I have a job and a house. But I just go through the motions. I enjoy nothing I have other than my dog. She may actually be the reason I don't just stick a gun in my mouth. I just watched a special on 20/20 about kids with schizophrenia and all I could see in the families was the love. They have each other. They are a family, no matter how dysfunctional. I envy every person I see with a ring on their finger because they have what I don't. I don't know how I can do this for another 50 years. I dream of the day that I die in a car accident and it's all over.