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I fucked my life up.

Posted by anonymous at February 13, 2010
Tags: Addictions  Attitude  2010 February  Health

Well, let me preface this story by stating that up until recently I have been fairly lucky in life. I have a graduate degree, I was gainfully employed with an international job in clinical research, and I was happy. That was until I began to have anxiety attacks after I moved in with my girlfriend. It wasn't her; it was the stress from work, graduate school, and wanting everything to be perfect in my new life. After struggling with nearly crippling anxiety for a year I finally broke down and talked to my primary care doctor and was prescribed a anxiolytic. It worked great except for I felt like I was somewhat drunk all the time, but at least I was able to function and I didn't feel as if I was going to die every five minutes. This is where the problem began. The medication left me unable to see what was happening to my personal life and how my actions were impacting everyone else; my friends, work, and, most importantly, my girlfriend. My personality changed and I became irritable and gained about twenty pounds as I slept quite often (I normally only slept 4-6 hours at a time.) Now, after even having a beer or two with my friends I would be extremely inebriated because of the combined effects of the alcohol and medication and I emailed a girl on craigslist (I don't remember what I said.) My girlfriend found the email and between that and my personality changes she broke up with me. This was one week before I was going to propose to her. I was unable to cope with that and I eventually lost my job as well. After about 6 months I was able to come off the medication. Since then I have felt extremely hollow and very guilty because the woman I love left me. I keep thinking that if I had been myself it wouldn't have happened. She is now with someone else. I just turned 30 and spent my birthday by myself in my third floor apartment that is in the attack of some old woman's house. My life is a shell of what it was and the woman I loved waking up next to every morning and that was my best friend is now gone from me and it is my fault. I feel guilty and I want to die now that I don't have this medication haze clouding my mind.


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