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Story of my life..

Posted by anonymous at August 2, 2011
Tags: 2011 August  Life Story

I don't really know how to start this I guess. I'm 22 years old, and ever since I can remember life has always been tragedy and hardship.. I was born into an alcoholic family, both parents.. They split up and that was one of my earliest memories I can remember. Got forced to do sexual favors for someone when I was 4 years old, not really much to talk about there. I did very well in grade school academically, but I had serious problems at that time, and they never were really able to put a finger on it. I have ADHD and some sort of mood disorder (to this day I don't know for sure still, but i got an idea possibly) so I used to act out in class because of my hyperactivity. Then I'd be praised for how well I was doing that school day until the night came and my dad was drunk, then it was how bad of a person I am because I always act out in school, even if it had been months since I last got into trouble. I ended up moving in with my grandparents when I was about 12, because they took custody. My problems continued, and got worse once I was 16.. I've attempted suicide way more times I can count.. I've drank bleach, draino, cut my wrists, overdosed, etc. Well you see obviously how that worked out. I wasn't taught how to do things either like a normal person, my grandfather had some problems of his own, and he would refuse to let me help with anything around the house or even teach me about anything. Ever since then it's pretty much been me. I went to jail when I had freshly turned 18 because I had some Marijuana. I was facing up to 20 years in prison for the charges I incurred because of that. That fucked up my psyche for quite some time, and it the residual after effects leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I come to find out that there are CHILD MOLESTERS get off with a lighter sentence than what I ended up having to do. What kind of fucked up world decides that its more okay to rape a person who does not have any idea what life even is about yet, than to possess a plant? That I can bite my tongue on though I guess. My dad also died a year ago, and my life literally shattered then.. He was the only person I could ever talk to and confide in.. He was the only person who fucking understood me and could actually give me advice that would help when things got rough. Then I got hospitalized due to stress, depression, and lack of ability to maintain myself. At that point in time all my friends were all very open to comment how they want to be supportive.. I guess their idea of support was completely ignoring me for 2 months, and not returning a single call. (That wasn't the first time this has happened where people who apparently care about me have done this) So of course once I reached the epiphany that I have no real friends in this city, on top of having no life at that time, I quickly became disgruntled, and set out to go try and better myself and meet people of similar interests and goals.. First stop I went to was the military because I wanted to be whipped into shape and disciplined. Well after going through all the processes, they finally wouldn't take me due to the fact I've attempted suicide, though I haven't now for years. After that I applied for school for the only other thing I could think. Well I made it to school just fine. My biggest problem now is after moving away from my hometown to go to college for audio engineering and production, I've been here for about 5 months or so, and I still literally don't know a single person here. I have no human contact, and the nearest one that I know is over 200 miles away. I try to make friends, but I have probably THE worst social skills one could ever hope to have.. Everywhere I go, I seem to get ostracized and so I just dwell here in my apartment all day.. It hurts so much when I'm trying to just start conversation with people and they sneer at me and walk away. I've gotten that sort of a response a lot, and to be honest I don't get it.. The only reason I'm existing right now is for some false hope that theres actually something in this world for me. My life revolves around music now, as that's the only thing I have in life. Music has never turned its back on me, and its always been there when I needed help and comfort where people haven't. Most of all, music has never given me a false hope. It wouldn't bother me that people aren't there for me, if they didn't tell me they wanted to support me in the first place. I must really suck if I can't find someone that will do something as simple as socialize with me. That and with my experience with trying to meet people, pretty much all of them have some sort of egocentric attitude and deem it necessary to put them on a pedestal, and then express how much better they are than you. That kinda makes me second guess why I even bother trying anymore, or why the fuck I'm even still on this earth. I've had my share of wonderful times of course, but I can honestly say, that with all that's happened. I would trade it all away to not remember anything, because right now I seem to be put down just for trying to be apart of society.


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Similar Entries:
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Comments:
By anonymous at 18,Sep,11 12:08

Music truly is wonderful, I swear to God. One of the best investments you could EVER make in life is getting an instrument you connect with, for me its keyboard, for some it's guitar, but whatever the hell it is, just stick with it.


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