Okay... this is the 2nd time that I've decided to tell my story and its a little hard especially since i keep my life in a bottle and ignore it and I'm also only 14. so its a little hard to express myself to other people so if your reading this i thank you for taking your time to listen/read this. I will NEVER forget any of this... and this is only a small part of it all.
When I had just turned 7 my mom had started cheating on my dad with a guy named Jason and then when my dad did something that she didn't like she used that as an excuse and left him for Jason. Jason had been fresh out of Prison and she knew but she thought he had changed. She was sooo wrong.... One day he was taking a shower and I had to go to the bathroom really bad he let me in and when I was about to leave the bathroom, he had stepped out behind me and tried to make me have sex with him (Sodomy), then I ran out of the bathroom but I never told my mom cause I was to scared and then he didn't do anything for awhile. But then we moved into a bigger house and then he put my mother on drugs, abused us, lied about everything, raped me everyday, took our stuff and sold it, wrote hot checks in my mom's name, ( he wrote enough of them that if she returns to Montana then she will get arrested for felony) and he even had people watching us wherever we went. He was on probation so he wasn't supposed to leave Montana, so he tried to make us move to Florida... We never made it very far... we never even got to the border of Montana. The Place where they caught us was in Billings in a motel.
I won't ever forget what happened that year and sadly that's only part of it. It still effects me till this day. I have anger issues really bad and I get mad everyday and I always have a lot of anger in me and I'm very violent ( very violent thoughts all the time and want to beat people up) and I have so much stress that I get these tension headaches really bad and my head hurts all the time, I always have to have the 1800 mill. Ibuprofen with me. I also have turrets, and bad back problems in the spine at the base. I have tried to kill myself many times and every once in a while I still think about it. If it wasn't for some certain people I would have been dead right now. But how my life is going right now, I cant quit thinking about it now and its making me go crazy!! My mother thinks I need a therapist but I cant explain myself very well and its all so confusing along with family, friends, high school, drama, boys, haters, teachers, economy, money and all of this kind of stuff.
I'm just so confused and I don't know what to do anymore and I just want to curl up and break down crying. But I hate crying and when I do it makes me mad.
But it also doesn't help that when I get mad enough I start crying...
The most important person who I had cared and loved the most, and even taken care of every chance I got all my life has also died not to long ago and It's really hard to actually know that I'm never going to see her again. I really wish she was here with me to make things a little bit better. My boyfriend had also broken up with me today for my best friend who was just like a sister to me. Now they both hate me and wont talk to me anymore. I also live in a really crappy house and it smells all the time with really nosy neighbors and really mean landlords who really hate me but really like my mother. They even yell at me as soon as I get home!!! and alot of bad things happen where i live now... people are really really messed up in the head these days now. I just wish they would get their own life and leave mine alone.
MY LIFE SUCKS!!!! AND I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT AND EVERYDAY I WAKE UP!!! Everyday when I wake up and I think why am I still alive? Or anything like that.
I just wish It was over with already.