I really shouldnt be writing on this website. Compared to others' stories Ive read, mine isnt nearly as bad. But still problems are abound and everyone has theirs. A lot of this is just drunk rambleing so just read the last two paragraphs to get the idea.
My family is fine, I have 2 brothers and my parents are still together. Finacially speaking, my family is well off. We're not rich by any means, but we get by and have some to spare.
I havent really had any problems up until high school. I was never really bullied but I was somewhat of a cast-out. I had 'friends' I paled around during school, but that was it. I was the guy who was just there. Didnt really bring anything to the table, just the guy who hung around and chimed in every once in a while. I was rarely invited to go hang out with anyone.
Im a quiet guy around new people and people I don't know very well. Im not the first one to say 'hello' nor am I the one to strike up a conversation. But if someone else starts talking, I put my two cents in and go along with the topic -often not saying much.
Im 21 now and attend a fairly decent liberal arts college. I can say I have the closest thing to 'friends' now than Ive ever had (they're my fraternity brothers). Im never the life of parties. People usually just talk to me for a minute or two then walk off with others. I dont think Im repulsive. On a scale of 1 to 10, I call myself a 4 (5 at best). My face is a little asymetrical from being hit in the head by a baseball bat when I was 10. Im not disfigured in anyway, something is a little off about my face. Ive had some grey hairs since i was in 9th grade and now Im starting to lose my hair. Like I said, Im 21...
I dont have much luck with women either. Ive had only one relationship worth calling a relationship. It lasted a year before I went and fucked it up. I was a virgin at the time and she wouldnt put out for some reason (she never told me why even when I asked). I 'cheated' on her one night and we broke up the next day. I am still a virgin...
Its summer now inbetween semesters of college and am as lonely and depressed as ever. My high school 'friends' have forgotten I exsist, my college 'friends' dont care that I exsist, and I have zero motivation in life. Im a pre-med student but I know Im not going to med-school. My Grades are fine but my personaliy is shit. The shy, quiet guy who sits in the back and only speaks when spoke to. Im a nice guy though. Too nice for my own good. Im a 21 year old virgin and I honestly can not see that changing anytime soon. Im not gay, I know Im not. I had a serious girlfriend who didnt put out and didnt tell me why. This has caused me a lot of suffering, forcing me to think that there is something wrong with me. Im not the best looking guy around, in fact im below average at best. I dont open up to people. I tend to keep things to myself. Actually this is all weird to me because I havent talked about my life like this ever. I find myself over thinking a lot of things and situations which tends to backfire on me. Since coming to college, Ive picked up drinking and drinking hard. It helps me cope with shit and makes me a little more socialbe. But in all honesty, my attempts at being happy have been one failure after another. The thing is I blame myself. Ive tried to change and put on an act to make living somewhat enjoyable, but it felt uncomfortable and phony.
I guess what it all boils down to is loneliness and seclusion. Sometimes I wish someone would just come up and talk to me or give me a call asking about how I am doing, Hows my life. I wish there was someone who cared. Someone out there, besides my family, who actually gave a damn that I exsisted and that I am a person. Ive attempted to take my own life and it was the stupidest thing ive done. I dont want to die. Atleast not alone.