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sucidal; don't read this because it is so fucked up

Posted by anonymous at August 3, 2011
Tags: 2011 August  Family  Juvenile problems

here is my story:

I'm 18,a girl, well just turned 18 last month and life has always suked for me.

my parents might be seperaing, im not really bothered because its about time and they are always arguing about everything and my mum has already started seeing other men.

i love my dad and i love my mum even though she's isn't the best mum in the world, she is the best for me.

my mum told me out of anger that my dad wanted her to abort me when she was pregnant.
finding out aboit that just makes me hate her sometimes for telliing me that.
she still hasn't realised what that did to me.

when i look back at the past years of my life, i start to think i'm a mistake and absolutely shouldn't be alive, i should have been aborted.

ooh, the things i have done...
since when i was 6 i have been exposed to sex...i wish i HAVE AMENESIA
i wouldn't call it abuse or should i; they were older girls and from what i can remeber, they did not stick fingers up my vigina or anything but now i know its was i sexula act...i wish i HAVE AMNESIA
it probably started then but im not so sure.

then my big brother, it wasn't sex. i recall giving him a hand job, now i know what that's called... i wish HAVE AMNESIA
then my younger brother; there was a porn tape lying around we watched and decided to try what we saw. i was 8 and my brother was 4 ( if you are starting feel sick by reading this please stop because i feel sick writing it)...i wish i HAVE AMNESIA

anyways, i always blame my parents for not noticing or leaving sex tapes where your child could find it, especially my mum becuase she was always nearby and my dad wasn't; he always went to work.
but most of all i blame my slef for not thinking it was all wrong then.

from 9 i knew the feeling of sex and i liked it; did it with a girl, a cousin and another girl, to spare the details and me from recalling, it was sex alright. so im definatley not a vargin...i wish i HAVE AMENSIA

again i used to wet the bed; thank God i stopped when i was 16 almost 17 i think; it made me have a major self esteem problem.

but it all changed when i came to London; i was born in Nigeria by the way.
i came when i was 13 almost 14, stayed with familiy friends, i didn't give a shit then, i was loving, it was something i knew since i was 6 and started to enjoy.

the family friends i stayed with were really strict and this changed, sometimes i hated it there but i'm glad i went there or even came to London, because when i think about how my life would be like if i was still there, i hate what i see.

the family friend found out about my bedwetting; i think they contributed to me stopping without even knowing they did. i felt the shame very much more than when i was in Nigeria. i was used to pissing in bed and smelling like shit, but after i saw how good and clean the people i lived whit were i wanted to be like them. I was changing little by little, i began to think about me, how people saw me and how i wanted people to see me, who i wanted to be.

i gradually stopped pissing in bed, i even researched on how i could stop; 6 times in a month i would pee in bed, i was changing, i was becoming better than before. when i thought about my past life, i think about how revolted and disgusted these good people will feel when they find out about it, how would they see me?

i started falling into old habits maybe its normal or just what i was used to and liked; i started watching porn and masturbating to it. i still do; but im ok with it now; at aleast im not sleeping around.

so i started watching porn via the family friends laptop, they found out, told my dad and mum. they didn't really hassle me much, they talked about how wrong it was, but they never punished me for it; i think because the felt they were reponsible.

i still watched the porn and got caught three times; the family friend sent me packing probably because she couldn't handle me, she had a kid and husband and didn't want them getting corrupted and finally bacause my mum and the family friend never got along. sometimes i think my mum ruined my chances of getting a decent life but i think i already ruined it.

so now i live with my mum and my younger sister nad brother, we get along nicely and i really appreciate my brother acting like a normal brother who didn't have sex with her big sister, it helps sometimes.

i still watch porn and masturbate, the internet makes it possible, i just glad im not fucking around.

my dad works very hard to get money so we can keep living in london ( he works in Nigeria), my mum doesn't work as hard and sometimes i wish she could try harder,but she tries her best it just isn't enough. sometimes i think my dad works too hard.

i'm better than before but my past keeps creeping up on me,making me feel worthless and rubbish. you would have noticed me writin i wish i HAVE AMENESIA; when people read this they would say this many timesi hope it becomes tru like magic. i would love to start all over again.

sometimes i wish i could live very far away from my family and change my name and write to them once in a while or just kill my self. but im thinking killing myself would be very selfish ( after seeing the movie REMEMBER ME) so i've decided to get help and see the doctor about what i found out is DEPRESSION. i don't wan't my dad to have a heart attck because i died or my mum not being able to cope and my siblings just becoming worse or going down and everything collapsing because one thing i know for sure is that my family needs me and love me very much so id do my best by helping myself.

i'm starting to hate God for how my life has turned out but i heard about worse but why make it worse GOD? WHY?

BUT i still pray to him to help me.

i feel a bit better sharing this with everyone even though you don't know who i am. instead of it being all stuck in my heart i'm glad i let it out.

all this life experience has made me socially akward, what you call wierd, withdrawn, i am not very clever but i try my best at college, not as good as my friends who understnad what the teacher teaches, i still have to go back and read it on my own to undertsnd it, im very slow.

there many things wrong with me but im setting out to help myself anf make it right.

life isn't a happy ending but id make mine a happy ending :'(

hope you took something from this and thanks for reading the story of my life. i wish i HAVE AMNESIA


New Comment

By anonymous at 21,Sep,11 03:57

damn, you have been through a lot. But doesn't it at least feel good to get it all out? in some respects i know how you feel. I also think it would be great if i could forget my life and start over! But the truth is that the past doesnt matter. you can think about it and dwell on it (i do too) but the past really doesnt matter because it is in the PAST. the only thing that matters is the present, right NOW. By changing what is happening in the present, you can shape the future. I dont believe you will hurt yourself, ive had the same thoughts but it is a really selfish thing to do and it is not the answer to anything. you have so much to experience so take action in the present and do whatever you want to do!

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