I am a nobody. I feel like my life has come to an end. You can call me an idiot looking for attention, but I feel like writing this down. I need to tell someone how I feel.
I'm currently studying (third year) and I'm almost to be a policy licentiate (don't know if it's called that way - a guy who analyses and specializes in politics). My further plans are to do a university degree of any available faculty cause in Poland to be a translator all you need is to get a university degree. Of course I'm planning on being an English translator, cause this is the only language I know other than my own. When I'll become a translator then... then what? And here is where everything collapses and kills me mentally.
What am I going to do? My face sucks, my social life sucks - have two friends, no friends of the opposite sex, had gallstones which I had removed along with my gall bladder, that causes diarrhea almost everyday. My eyesight sucks, my spine is distorted, I have strange nipples (maybe because of lack of training) which are baggy-like even though I'm slim.
The main problem is the face, but if you want the details, type in Google 'life sucks big constant pain'.
Even though it's vacations I feel awful. Cause I don't feel like it's vacations. To me everyday day is the same. If it's something like Christmas or Saturday or Sunday or something national, I just simply don't feel the difference. Everyday is like a boring routine. I know it's because I'm not really doing anything (I'm currently on a one year break from studying cause of my mental illness and I don't work). I don't go out too often (see constant pain for "why"), most of my time I'm spending in front of the computer. I liked to play games. I really did. They were healthy for my mental state, cause they kept me occupied, didn't let me think about my ugliness. They let me get away from this grayish world. But my mental state was getting worse. From time to time I play them, but I don't feel like doing anything.
Before depression kicked in I liked to read books, draw, I liked writing stories or even mix music on the computer. Now all I do is smoke like a god damn chimney, I'm addicted to Solpadeine (which contains codeine), I'm using too much of my prescribed drug, I'm occasionally playing games, also occasionally going out with my friend etc. Depression kills everything in you, especially creativity.
When I'm writing this it's 6:54 am in Poland, so You can imagine how I sleep. I usually go to bed at 5-8 am, wake up at 3-5 pm. Sometimes I don't sleep for 48 hours.
For about 2 weeks now I feel empty as hell, like all this life is nothing, like everything what I'm doing, what I am living for is a sad joke.
You ever had f-up fantasies? 2 years ago I had fantasies about killing someone or raping a woman. I even had sudden thoughts about killing my father, mother, sister or brother. A sudden image of a knife in the head of one of the members of my family. Every time when those thoughts came I fought them off. I managed to actually do that, get rid of them. But I'm very ashamed of the two dreams I had - sex with my 13 year old sister and with my mother. At least those kind of dreams didn't came back as well.
I also cry very often. For no reason. Or for stupid reason, like a song (for example Two Steps From Hell - Protectors of the earth; Heart of Courage, Fired Earth Music - Waltz with Vampires) like my crab (died two weeks ago), like the fact that my dog will die in 10 years, when I see crying people in Tv I also start to cry, ending of Starcraft Broodwar with Degaulle's speech makes me cry.
This whole depression and BDD made me a retard. Sometimes I had thoughts that my father is paying my friends to hang out with me. I know it's stupid but it just pops out in that twisted head of mine.
What's the worst in all this is when a certain state of mind comes in, which lasts for 1-2 weeks then it goes back to normal. When in this state, everything seems surreal, unreal, artificial. Like all this world has no sense, no meaning, like if I'm in Matrix and everything is false. Like I'm in a sad movie that has no meaning. I'm indifferent to everything and (in my mind) everybody is indifferent to me. They don't care about me, I don't care about them or myself. I'm thinking something like - "where do all these people find their strength to go on if everything is senseless and has no meaning?". Literally. We could all just die. How do they get up, where do they get their vigor (or verve, please correct me) from? How are they happy with all those problems?
And it's just like that. Of course I thought about suicide multiple times but I never even attempted to do it. I'm too big of a coward to do it. Soon it will be my 8th anniversary of being mentally ill. Why the hell was I even born? Wish I never was. I heard from my mother that during my birth the umbilical cord was tightened around my neck and it was a miracle that I didn't suffocate. I regret I did not die that day.
If someone had this kind of problem which is described in the 'Constant pain' on this page and get rid of it, please, tell me how to treat my face. I'm doing it for eight years with no or small result.