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Emptyness

Posted by Roman at August 10, 2011
Tags: Addictions  Anxiety  2011 August  Health  Meaninglessness

Hello

I am a nobody. I feel like my life has come to an end. You can call me an idiot looking for attention, but I feel like writing this down. I need to tell someone how I feel.
I'm currently studying (third year) and I'm almost to be a policy licentiate (don't know if it's called that way - a guy who analyses and specializes in politics). My further plans are to do a university degree of any available faculty cause in Poland to be a translator all you need is to get a university degree. Of course I'm planning on being an English translator, cause this is the only language I know other than my own. When I'll become a translator then... then what? And here is where everything collapses and kills me mentally.
What am I going to do? My face sucks, my social life sucks - have two friends, no friends of the opposite sex, had gallstones which I had removed along with my gall bladder, that causes diarrhea almost everyday. My eyesight sucks, my spine is distorted, I have strange nipples (maybe because of lack of training) which are baggy-like even though I'm slim.
The main problem is the face, but if you want the details, type in Google 'life sucks big constant pain'.
Even though it's vacations I feel awful. Cause I don't feel like it's vacations. To me everyday day is the same. If it's something like Christmas or Saturday or Sunday or something national, I just simply don't feel the difference. Everyday is like a boring routine. I know it's because I'm not really doing anything (I'm currently on a one year break from studying cause of my mental illness and I don't work). I don't go out too often (see constant pain for "why"), most of my time I'm spending in front of the computer. I liked to play games. I really did. They were healthy for my mental state, cause they kept me occupied, didn't let me think about my ugliness. They let me get away from this grayish world. But my mental state was getting worse. From time to time I play them, but I don't feel like doing anything.
Before depression kicked in I liked to read books, draw, I liked writing stories or even mix music on the computer. Now all I do is smoke like a god damn chimney, I'm addicted to Solpadeine (which contains codeine), I'm using too much of my prescribed drug, I'm occasionally playing games, also occasionally going out with my friend etc. Depression kills everything in you, especially creativity.
When I'm writing this it's 6:54 am in Poland, so You can imagine how I sleep. I usually go to bed at 5-8 am, wake up at 3-5 pm. Sometimes I don't sleep for 48 hours.
For about 2 weeks now I feel empty as hell, like all this life is nothing, like everything what I'm doing, what I am living for is a sad joke.
You ever had f-up fantasies? 2 years ago I had fantasies about killing someone or raping a woman. I even had sudden thoughts about killing my father, mother, sister or brother. A sudden image of a knife in the head of one of the members of my family. Every time when those thoughts came I fought them off. I managed to actually do that, get rid of them. But I'm very ashamed of the two dreams I had - sex with my 13 year old sister and with my mother. At least those kind of dreams didn't came back as well.
I also cry very often. For no reason. Or for stupid reason, like a song (for example Two Steps From Hell - Protectors of the earth; Heart of Courage, Fired Earth Music - Waltz with Vampires) like my crab (died two weeks ago), like the fact that my dog will die in 10 years, when I see crying people in Tv I also start to cry, ending of Starcraft Broodwar with Degaulle's speech makes me cry.
This whole depression and BDD made me a retard. Sometimes I had thoughts that my father is paying my friends to hang out with me. I know it's stupid but it just pops out in that twisted head of mine.
What's the worst in all this is when a certain state of mind comes in, which lasts for 1-2 weeks then it goes back to normal. When in this state, everything seems surreal, unreal, artificial. Like all this world has no sense, no meaning, like if I'm in Matrix and everything is false. Like I'm in a sad movie that has no meaning. I'm indifferent to everything and (in my mind) everybody is indifferent to me. They don't care about me, I don't care about them or myself. I'm thinking something like - "where do all these people find their strength to go on if everything is senseless and has no meaning?". Literally. We could all just die. How do they get up, where do they get their vigor (or verve, please correct me) from? How are they happy with all those problems?
And it's just like that. Of course I thought about suicide multiple times but I never even attempted to do it. I'm too big of a coward to do it. Soon it will be my 8th anniversary of being mentally ill. Why the hell was I even born? Wish I never was. I heard from my mother that during my birth the umbilical cord was tightened around my neck and it was a miracle that I didn't suffocate. I regret I did not die that day.
If someone had this kind of problem which is described in the 'Constant pain' on this page and get rid of it, please, tell me how to treat my face. I'm doing it for eight years with no or small result.


Votes:


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Comments:
By anonymous at 25,Sep,11 19:55

your one sick twisted motherfucker bitch fuck you asshole. You say you fantasize about killing and raping? someone needs to kill and rape you you fucking sick piece of shit motherfucker come kill me shitface so i can put a bullet in your head! sick fuck
By anonymous at 26,Sep,11 18:25

Thanks for being so helpful to someone who has already identified himself as having a mental illness and is being honest here. Way to go. [/sarcasm]


By anonymous at 25,Sep,11 19:57

fuck you


By anonymous at 25,Sep,11 23:32

WHat kind of help is that ppl?? Wtf is wrong with u??? He came here looking for help not insults from a bunch of imature idiots. I dont know what to say about ur problem, maybe u need a spycologist (how ever u write it) i kinda feel the same as u, only to a lesser extend, like if it was the begining of it all. Who knows, good luck my friend look for help and dont kill ur self nor anyone for that matter


By anonymous at 26,Sep,11 07:31

kill yourself immidiatly
By anonymous at 26,Sep,11 18:26

You need help, buddy. I hope you get it.
By anonymous at 26,Sep,11 18:32

FYI - That last comment "You need help, buddy" was directed to the anonymous poster who commented at 26,Sep,11 07:31


By at 26,Sep,11 09:27

God has given us this precious body to remind god and to help others.. if you will help others you will feel happy... Do your every deed for others...

Take true method of meditation from a true saint your every problem will get away when you will repeat METHOD OF MEDITATION... its not fake.. its true..
Dera Sacha Sauda is one of the such kind of spiritual organization run by "Saint Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Ji "with 40 million(still growing) follower following it to make their life... heaven.. It is just a miracle on this earth..
where a even a youngest child remain ready to help others.. its miracle.. daily thousands of miracle happen daily with everyone... and people get soothing spiritual upliftment in their life..
http://derasachasauda.org/


By at 26,Sep,11 09:29

God has given us this precious body to remind god and to help others.. if you will help others you will feel happy... Do your every deed for others...

Even if you want to kill yourself.. die for yourself and live for others.. then see how much beautiful is this world...

Take true method of meditation from a true saint your every problem will get away when you will repeat METHOD OF MEDITATION... its not fake.. its true..
Dera Sacha Sauda is one of the such kind of spiritual organization run by "Saint Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Ji "with 40 million(still growing) follower following it to make their life... heaven.. It is just a miracle on this earth..
where a even a youngest child remain ready to help others.. its miracle.. daily thousands of miracle happen daily with everyone... and people get soothing spiritual upliftment in their life..
Here is the website:http://derasachasauda.org/


By anonymous at 26,Sep,11 18:51

Roman,

I am very sorry that you have so many difficulties and suffering in life. It isn't fair that some people have such a heavy burden, but that's how it is.

When you referred to having BDD, did you mean body dysmorphic disorder? Is that why you think your face is so ugly?

Because of what you've written, I assume that you have been seeing a mental health professional and hope that you are still under the care of one. The violent fantasies and dreams you've had are a concern. I would be sure to keep your doctor informed of these type of thoughts that you are having, as I'm sure that you do not want to hurt anyone in reality.

From what you've written, it seems that you lead a sedentary life, even before when you weren't sick. If your body can handle exercise and your doctor thinks it would be okay and helpful, I recommend it. Our bodies have natural painkillers called endorphins that are released during physical exercise. That might help your depression.

Also, try to gradually wean yourself off the cigarettes. They reduce the amount of oxygen to your body, which does no good for anything going on within it, not to mention the toxins that you are feeding it. Easier said than done, I know. It's a terribly addictive habit.

See if you can go back to the schedule of taking medications as they were prescribed. If after that, you are still having difficulty, perhaps there is a different, better medication that could be described for your depression.

As for having only two friends, you're lucky to have them. For a lot of people who post on this board, that's two friends more than they have. A person only needs one good, trusted friend or someone to talk with to get by.

Your parents and sister love you and would miss you if you took your own life. Roman, I hope that you will be able to find ways to improve your existence and find comfort and enjoyment in life some day.
By anonymous at 26,Sep,11 22:41

Of course I don't want to hurt anyone or rape anyone in reality. Believe me, this is probably the result of boredom combined with fucked up images from various sites. And Yes, I was referring to body dysmorphic disorder. Of course I told them psychiatrists about it but they prescribed more and more various drugs. As I said, I don't have those kind of thoughts no more (except for my enemies from my neighbourhood who laugh at me from time to time, I wish them death).
Yeah, cigarettes are a paradox here. They calm me down at time to time, but sometimes they add stress. You know, currently I'm not expecting to much from my life, so if I get a lung cancer I'll die even though I'll be afraid of it - but I'll die and it will be the end of my misery. And I don't know if they (my family) love me. I mean, would you expect to hear from your brother that you're such a burden? Or to be reminded by your father that You won't live at their house forever? I know that, but they should give me a different approach, since I'm seriously ill. And to be honest, I really do have some strange shit growing on my face, of course no one close to me sees it, other people somehow see and laugh. Why is that?
In the end writing here is pointless cause I thought I'll get some help, but all I can see is typical:
a) go see a doctor
b) go kill yourself you twisted sob
c) God is your answer
Fuck that.


By anonymous at 26,Sep,11 22:03

i thoroughly enjoyed ur post fyi. don't get me wrong i am miserable too. truly. it's just a matter of time....but U R FUNNY! I have a.d.d and read thru all ur rambling. The funniest_u think ur dad pays ur friends to hang out with you??LMFAO dude don't take it too serious. sure it sucks but ur really not alone.i say fuck ur father if he could even b suspect of that shit, fuck ur 'friends' fuck em all.peace
By anonymous at 26,Sep,11 22:58

Man, the things I could tell You about, guessing from your response, You'd shit your pants from laughing. And what does it change?
I'm honest about my feelings in 100% and 99% percent people on this site are too ashamed to write down about everything cause they ain't got guts even under the nickname anonymous.
Glad at least I entertained you.
By anonymous at 02,Oct,11 22:38

Dude I one hundred percent understand how ur feeling. I too suffer from BDD. It did get much better with age and anti depressants. When ur young, we seem to focus on our looks and being accepted. With age comes acceptance of ourselves and less interest of what others think. I've had all the major depression, fuck life, nobody loves me thoughts my whole life. Bottom line is that ur suffering from major depression dude. It will get better. When I was ur age I thought I would never get better either. But guess what? U can and u will. U have to try and help yourself though no matter how hard it is to even take a step. Exercise bro. It helps. Burn off the anxiety. Get those endorphins going. It will kill the depression. I guarantee ur face is way blown out of proportion by u. I know cuz I was there. I used to spend 8 hours a day looking into the mirror trying to fix it, staring at it, and couldn't leave the house until I thought my defect looked ok. Everyone told me I looked fine yet some kids would make fun of me. After growing up I realized maybe I wasn't perfect, but I was totally blowing it out of proportion. No one is perfect bro. Those kids fuckin with u aren't either. They make fun of u cuz they want to be accepted by their friends. Its all a vicious cycle. Ur addicted to codeine?? I was addicted to oxycontin, cocaine and alcohol and I'm in recovery for it. If ur this sick, go the fuck home, go to ur psychiatrist and get help because u can get better. But u have to help urself. This site aint ur answer bro. U need what I needed and still need. Get to ur doc and tell him how u feel. If he isn't helping u then go to another doctor. and again go do something productive. Workout. Take a walk. Our worst enemy is sitting there thinking. Thinking is our worst enemy, stay busy. It won't be like this forever. One day u will look back and say shit, wow I'm so glad I feel so much better. I know u feel like this is impossible but its not. Go home, fuck poland, and get urself well. Get to a dox that can help u. U need to find the right ssri. Remember I was in ur shoes, plus addicted to blow and oxy. So u can imagine how I felt coming off all that with a shell of depression and anxiety left. But I did it. With hard work, and a will to get better, and the first step is to get off the pity pot and get help. Ur not the only one in the world dealing with this shit. If u want to chat write back
By anonymous at 02,Oct,11 22:38 Fold Up

Dude I one hundred percent understand how ur feeling. I too suffer from BDD. It did get much better with age and anti depressants. When ur young, we seem to focus on our looks and being accepted. With age comes acceptance of ourselves and less interest of what others think. I've had all the major depression, fuck life, nobody loves me thoughts my whole life. Bottom line is that ur suffering from major depression dude. It will get better. When I was ur age I thought I would never get better either. But guess what? U can and u will. U have to try and help yourself though no matter how hard it is to even take a step. Exercise bro. It helps. Burn off the anxiety. Get those endorphins going. It will kill the depression. I guarantee ur face is way blown out of proportion by u. I know cuz I was there. I used to spend 8 hours a day looking into the mirror trying to fix it, staring at it, and couldn't leave the house until I thought my defect looked ok. Everyone told me I looked fine yet some kids would make fun of me. After growing up I realized maybe I wasn't perfect, but I was totally blowing it out of proportion. No one is perfect bro. Those kids fuckin with u aren't either. They make fun of u cuz they want to be accepted by their friends. Its all a vicious cycle. Ur addicted to codeine?? I was addicted to oxycontin, cocaine and alcohol and I'm in recovery for it. If ur this sick, go the fuck home, go to ur psychiatrist and get help because u can get better. But u have to help urself. This site aint ur answer bro. U need what I needed and still need. Get to ur doc and tell him how u feel. If he isn't helping u then go to another doctor. and again go do something productive. Workout. Take a walk. Our worst enemy is sitting there thinking. Thinking is our worst enemy, stay busy. It won't be like this forever. One day u will look back and say shit, wow I'm so glad I feel so much better. I know u feel like this is impossible but its not. Go home, fuck poland, and get urself well. Get to a dox that can help u. U need to find the right ssri. Remember I was in ur shoes, plus addicted to blow and oxy. So u can imagine how I felt coming off all that with a shell of depression and anxiety left. But I did it. With hard work, and a will to get better, and the first step is to get off the pity pot and get help. Ur not the only one in the world dealing with this shit. If u want to chat write back


By anonymous at 05,Oct,11 22:44

very slowly but surely change your diet. find this book or go to web site www.phmiracleliving.com this will help you detox and will clear your head. "sick and tired" is the name of the book.

Other thing is just remember mind can think things, it passes every body's mind, just dont feed the thought and tell yourself not to talk yourself.. do some meditation.. www.friendofdolano.org there is a guide for meditation with music.. that will help you.. you definitely need to detox and take some 3-6-9 vegetarian omega oil, helps for depression.

You gonna be fine, just stop it and forget about your body and how you look... As enlightenment goes "we are not the body and we are not the mind" stop feeding it.. :))
By anonymous at 06,Oct,11 15:16

Just to respond to the advice of forgetting about how u look. I too am a person who suffers from bdd as I wrote above and there is no way to forget how u look when ur suffering from this. That's the whole point. It is a ocd disorder. Its an obsessive disease and one cannot just stop obsessing. It is a chemical imbalance. The same way a woman suffers from anorexia, we suffer from imagined body defects as well. Or we might have a tiny defect and we blow it way out of proportion. I think the diet advice is awesome. Eat organic, take all b vitamins and definitely get urself to a doc and get on a anti depressant that works 4 u. Don't be ashamed of it. People suffer from many illnesses like cancer and they get medicine and help too. Not all meds work. Its an individual thing. It took me a few before I found the right one. And it saved my life. U seem way to depressed to not be under the close care of a medical doc
By anonymous at 06,Oct,11 15:16 Fold Up

Just to respond to the advice of forgetting about how u look. I too am a person who suffers from bdd as I wrote above and there is no way to forget how u look when ur suffering from this. That's the whole point. It is a ocd disorder. Its an obsessive disease and one cannot just stop obsessing. It is a chemical imbalance. The same way a woman suffers from anorexia, we suffer from imagined body defects as well. Or we might have a tiny defect and we blow it way out of proportion. I think the diet advice is awesome. Eat organic, take all b vitamins and definitely get urself to a doc and get on a anti depressant that works 4 u. Don't be ashamed of it. People suffer from many illnesses like cancer and they get medicine and help too. Not all meds work. Its an individual thing. It took me a few before I found the right one. And it saved my life. U seem way to depressed to not be under the close care of a medical doc


By anonymous at 14,Dec,11 14:34

Roman (original poster) I think its admirable you were so open and honest about how you feel. I hope you read the last few comments and perhaps consider the advice from people who also suffer from this illness.

I can empathize with you not wanting to seek treatment and just have pills shoved at you and consider it a cure. However, the RIGHT treatment (usually a combination of pharmacology, cognitive behavioral therapy, and psychotherapy, although I'm not personally familiar with BDD)

Cognitive behavioral therapy can be helpful a huge number of issues, even for those that may not be diagnosed with anything. Essentially you'll learn the tools to proactively recognize the thought and behavioral patterns that are a symptom of the disease, and once you recognize when these thing are happening you'll reach into your toolbox to counteract them. For many people treatment is about living with a condition and learning how to control it instead of the other way around.

There's a huge caveat though - in order to get to CBT you've got to get the chemical disorder under wraps first. (If there is indeed a chemical origin to the problem, which there usually is) it should NOT be about stuffing pills down your gullet and calling it a day, which is unfortunately what many of us experience. You may benefit most by just seeing a psychiatrist for the medication management side who works in conjunction with a psychologist. If you don't have access to care you may find help thtough your school, or there may be other programs out there for the under served.

I wish you luck - and one last comment regarding your dreams and fantasies - dreaming and fsntasizing about rape and violence is quite common from both the aggressor or victim side. Usually it has less to do with sex and more to do with control and power. (Or a lack of it, in your case) of course everyone is different, as is our motivations. Whatever the reason I hope you get the help you need in whatever form would work for you.

The only time rape fantasies become that concerning is if the person has a hard time separating reality from fantasy. If this applies to you then I URGE you to seek immediate help. Oftentimes just being honest and admitting how we feel is the first step of recovery. Good luck to you.


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