Dating advice
for women over 30

Stop Anxiety
and panic attacks

How to overcome
your loneliness

Save Your Relationship
No Matter How Bad
Your Situation Appears

LIFE SUCKS

Stories submitted by real people.

[Tell Your Story]

Bookmark and Share

Categories:

Abuse  Addictions  Alcohol  Anger  Anxiety  Appearance  Attitude  Bad Luck  Childhood  Crime  Death  Disappointment  Drinking  Drugs  Environment  Failure  Family  Friendship  General  Health  Independent circumstances  Job  Justice  Juvenile problems  Life Story  Loneliness  Meaninglessness  Mistakes  Money  Philosophical  Poverty  Prank  Racial  Relationship  Religion  Reputation  School  Sexuality  Society  Sociopathy  Stepdad  Stepmom  Stress  Tragic Events  Unemployment  Violence  


Archive by Month:
July 2012
2012 June
2012 May
2012 April
2012 March
2012 February
2012 January
2011 December
2011 November
2011 October
2011 September
2011 August
2011 July
2011 June
2011 May
2011 April
2011 March
2011 February
2011 January
2010 December
2010 November
2010 October
2010 September
2010 August
2010 July
2010 June
2010 May
2010 April
2010 March
2010 February
January 2010
December 2009
November 2009
October 2009
September 2009
August 2009
July 2009
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
March 2009
February 2009
January 2009
November 2008
October 2008
September 2008
May 2008
February 2008
January 2008


Ads:

I don't know how i can go on

Posted by CynusMom at August 11, 2011
Tags: 2011 August  Death  Tragic Events

My son was my life...I was never a helicopter parent, but I nurtured him and loved him as best as I could and according to his cues as he grew into young adulthood and seemed to be sensible, capable and trustworthy. This spring my heart was ripped out of my chest...my barely 20 yr old son took his own life. I am in shock. I am now questioning everything that I thought was true and that had value in my life. For example...I've always had a job, but never got too immersed in my career..I thought I was a good mother...that was the only thing that I really thought I was good at actually...now i'm left wondering: was my whole life, who I thought my son was, what I thought I was, all an illusion, a lie that I told myself?? On top of that I'm filled with sorry every day and guilt too..i wonder, and in retrospect see signs..they aren't obvious but they ARE there. and i think why the fuck didn't i be a nosy mom, why the fuck didn't i save him!? I used to talk and joke with younger parents..now I feel that I am horrible, inept and don't have any right to give advice or guidance..my child killed himself. i feel like others are judging me..what the hell did she do to fuck him up that badly?? it hurts too that i was always so proud and happy to talk about my kid but i feel his legacy is a sad and even somewhat shameful one (on me more than him). I can't hurt my husband or my childs friends, but my god...i very often go to work and want to just jump off of the building...i don't think that my life will ever have real happiness again...i don't think that i can like myself anymore...if there is something after this i'd like to be with my child


Votes:


New Comment

Comments:
By david at 28,Sep,11 08:36

hey, please don't blame yourself. you did the best you could with your son and just remember that it was his choice to end his life. we can't always predict what life will throw our way but just take it one step at a time and healing will come.
things will look up. don't give up!!!

david


By anonymous at 29,Sep,11 02:59

I agree with what David has said. You must stop blaming yourself. The reasons can only be speculated. You come across as a good mother, with the stress levels and economy people have been going through a lot. I am sure your son would want you to be happy, he is in a better place


By anonymous at 29,Sep,11 03:12

The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is the thought of how distraught my family would be. Especially my mother. But every day I feel myself caring less and less, and wonder when the day will come.


By anonymous at 29,Sep,11 16:50

I envy your son. Every second I'm awake I wish I were dead. Recently these thoughts have been crawling into my dreams as well. So it would be valid to put it this way: every second I'm awake or asleep I think about killing myself. How did he do it? Maybe I can try the same and succeed. I'm 25. Your son did the right thing doing it early. There's no point to wait. Life never gets better.


By CynusMom at 29,Sep,11 19:42

To the anonymous that wants to die: I'm sorry you feel so sad and want to die. Please get help - go to a therapist or at least talk to a trusted friend, clergy, etc. Even in the wake of the tragedy, I know that I can help other ppl- my son's ex g.f. and his friends that are feeling the pain and guilt that my son has caused us can be lessened when we talk to each other. I know that you are in pain, but honestly that was really cruel and insensitive of you to tell me that "my son did the right thing". Would you want someone to say that to a friends mom, that was devastated by the loss of her child? not helpful. hurtful. But you sound like you are in a lot of pain. I hope that you get help. Depression is treatable and I know that others, even those that you may not realize, would be truly saddened if you were to leave them.
By CynusMom at 29,Sep,11 20:26

Thanks David and Anonymous that agreed with him. Your comments were very kind and helpful and I appreciate that you took the time to share them with me:-)


By Missy at 05,Oct,11 23:58

Not your fualt something must have gttten to point in his that he could not handle. Don't it there and fell sorry for yourself. things will get better it just takes time. I felt bad that I could nit save a freind from her house when it was on fire. I try as I ight could not do it becuase the het flamesand smoke were too m uch but I blame myself for not trting hard enogh to save her. I almost kiled yself but I stopped myself becuase I knew in my hert that would bring her back. Eding your life is nothe answer. Just and move on and get some help if you need it.
By anonymous at 07,Oct,11 23:31

thank you, Missy:-) this does help. you made me cry, but in a good way.


By at 13,Oct,11 19:05

Aloha! bdu


By anonymous at 10,Nov,11 16:08

I am sorry about this, suicide is so painful for all those left behind.

With that being said, I feel the same way about my parents and the pain I would leave behind for them. But each day I feel less and less motivation to keep going. I wonder how much time I have left as well ?
By CynusMom at 12,Nov,11 18:32

Thanks for your kind words. I'm sorry that you are so down. How old are you? What's going on in your life? From most of what I have read and experienced first hand, it seems like being depressed is a biological thing that can be helped with medication and talk therapy. Have you tried these yet? Often it may take trying more than one medication and/or therapist, e.g. some therapists are better than others, and if Zoloft doesn't help, Paxil might. I hope that you try to get help. I hope that you find happiness.


By Nike Free 5.0 V3 at 20,Jan,15 14:42

Nuovi muri nella Padova di Flavio Zanonato Sedici le formazioni ai blocchi di partenza. GUARDA IL


New Comment